To be a Fairy Princess

Feb 7, Weigh In

2012-02-07T16:46:00.000-05:00

Previous weigh in: 201.2
Today's weigh in: 204.8
Which means: gain of 3.6lbs
Body fat %: 40% (up 3.1%)
BMI: 37.7 (severely obese) (up .9)

I was so close to being 200 or under! Ah well. I screw it up on my own, to be completely frank. Eating out, not watching my portions, no activity, nothing.

I started tracking my food in SparkPeople yesterday...and almost did well! I ended up having a different dinner and not updating it. Because that's me.

Today, though, I've been very spot on. I hope to keep doing this and to actually start losing again. When I lost the most weight, way back when, I used SparkPeople's tracking journal for food and activity. So, hopefully I can have that repeat and end up losing heaps and heaps of weight. Well, er, until I hit goal, anyhow.

Weigh-in Jan 25, 2012

2012-01-25T10:22:00.000-05:00

Previous weigh in: 202.5
Today's weigh in: 201.2
Which means: loss of 1.3lbs
Body fat %: 38.7 (down .2% from last time)
BMI: 36.8 (severely obese) (down .1% from last time)

Another 1.3lbs loss. Creepy! I've been busy. Running here, running there. Short recap of my time:
Working, per usual. This week's actually very light, but that means other things have been done.
Had a doc's appointment (at a low income clinic)
Got on birth control pills, so I've been absolutely miiiiseraaaableee lately.
Been spending a LOT of time with Prince T.
Chores.
Painting.

Now. I've ate at least 3 times a day all month so far! That's a good thing.

I started January at 203.8lbs. That makes a 2.6lbs loss for the month so far. I'm behind on my 5lbs goal per month. That's okay, honestly. It's secondary to the healthier habits I'm trying to make right now.

Saving for a car. Found my dream car. (A VW Jetta. Used. Green. Lovely. Want it.) It's going to be about $3k after taxes and such. I will have this car.

These pills made me extremely nauseous yesterday. I'm going to have just toast for breakfast today, just in case. If I feel well enough by lunch time, I'll have a light but more substantial lunch. If I still feel alright by dinner time, I'll have a real dinner. And not just a repeat of lunch or breakfast. I have a bottle of extra stength Tums and a bottle of extra strength Excedrine. I'll be good.

Weigh in, January 9

2012-01-09T08:25:00.000-05:00

Previous weigh in: 203.8
Today's weigh in: 202.5
Which means: loss of 1.3lbs

Bodyfat %: 38.9
BMI: 36.9 (severely obese)

Hey! Finally! I've lost something more significant than a mere .something of a pound. Funny how eating more often is making my weight go down. I haven't even been eating better, per se. I had some fast food (twice, McDonald's and Taco Bell), went out to dinner at TGI Friday's, have had ice cream a lot, just plain overate on Wednesday, and haven't really been watching portions or anything. Granted, because I have no appetite, it's a little hard to really eat all THAT much. Plus, I naturally like to eat things like salmon with some sort of veggie.

Also, I've ate at least three times a day since the 1st of January, when I started doing this. I'm really proud of myself. This really hasn't been easy, but it also hasn't been nearly as hard as I thought it was going to be.

Weigh in, January 2

2012-01-02T11:30:00.000-05:00

Previous weigh in: 204.2
Today's weigh in: 203.8
Which means: loss of .4lb

This has definitely been slow going. It's no one's fault but my own, so I'm not going to whine about it, nor does it really upset me. I know I can do better, because I have before, but at least it's not a gain. I mean to do better this year.

2011 has come and passed. It brought a lot of tears, a lot of joy, and a lot of hard work. While I can't say I can complain too much about 2011, it could have been better. I intend to make 2012 better.

I've been overworked lately. I clocked out yesterday with 42 hours (hello, OT). I can't really ask to have my hours reduced right now, because I need the money for one and for another, we're kind of short cooks. There's not much Big E (yes, we really do call my KM 'Big E') can really do here. Once things quiet down, and once I get a good lump of money saved (see below), I'll ask him to reduce my hours to about 25-30. (I'm currently working 35-40, which is way too much for me physically and mentally. Thanks, health problems.)

I've never done new year's resolutions before (yes, really). I never promised myself I would lose weight, or do much of another. The new year didn't ever bring a sense of newness for me or a sense of a new chance at things. I always saw it as just another day on the calender. I still kind of do, but I do see the merit in rejoicing that a year has passed and new one has been brought in. There was a huge sense of relief for me that 2011 was finally over once midnight hit. I think that's what really inspired me to think hard about doing something this year.

Most of my resolutions have nothing to do with my weight, really. I didn't make too many, either, because that would frankly just be too overwhelming.

Here they are:
-Save $10k
-Pay at least half of credit card off (better to pay off in full)
-Establish healthy habits
-Lose a minimum of 20lbs in 2012

The saving money is for a very simple reason. I have a lot of mental problems (bipolar and anxiety disorder are the biggest issues I have) and a lot of health problems (chronic migraines, chronic pain, joint problems) that pretty much leave me without function some days. Because I also happen to have a paranoia disorder, I'm terrified that my GM is going to get too frustrated to deal with me and fire me for not being as healthy as the other workers. This is just a paranoia mostly because in the year and a half that I've worked at this place, I've not called out once. I've been sent home a few times (vomiting, migraine, panic attack), but I've never called out. Especially not if I was just "too sad" that day. I get up, get dressed, and go to work whether I feel like I'm going to die inside and out or not. I try my hardest, and while somedays my productivity may not be the best, I get my work done with little complaining. That's the logic of it. The paranoia of it is that "oh god no one gets sent home this much my job is easily done I could be replaced no problem oh god oh god oh god". I know none of that is true. We just fired a prep cook after a week and half. We might fire another one after the same amount of time. I am not easily replaced. I do my job, I do it well, and I try to smile through the pain I'm always in. I'm a trooper, a little soldier, just trying to work through it. D had to force me to sit down once because I was getting ice pick headaches so badly, I was clutching my head with both hands and just exclaiming "AGH" every few minutes. It was making me dizzy and really disoriented. But what did I do? Keep working. Until he steered me over to the break table and made me sit. G ended up making me take a full half hour break (after pumping me full of Excedrin) and then sent me home after I attempted to work for another hour.

Now. The 10k thing. That's a lot of money. Especially in a year. Why $10,000? That'll pay my bills for almost two years. I'd be set for almost two years to find another job. Yes, two years is a VERY long time to be looking for a job, but the economy is terrible, especially in my area. I don't want to chance it that I'll find a job in six months, or less than a year, and then run out of money. My bills won't go away because I'm unemployed. I mean, I'm sure I could work things out with the companies, but I don't want to have to. I want to have things taken care of.

My credit card. Granted, I've got a high-ish balance on it. (Almost $2k) I don't think that's a lot of money, frankly, mostly because my parents have about $15k of credit card debt. That, however, is what is encouraging me to pay off my card in full before I decide to start using it again. I mainly use it for clothing (loliiitaaa) and electronics (bought my PSP, paid it off, still paying my computer off). I'm going to buy a new tablet once I pay it off in full, and not a second before. I'd like to get the balance down to $0 this year, but if I can at least get it under $1,000, I'd be a happy little camper.

It takes about a month to establish a habit in full. There are 12 months in a year. This means I can establish 12 habits this year without overloading myself with stress. I get easily stressed out and intimidated, which is why I think I have to keep redoing this whole weight loss thing. I've already thought of the twelve habits and which months they belong to. I have a little planner I'm going to be using to help me keep track. Each month will have the goal written down at the bottom for my habits. Each day I manage to accomplish the goal, the day on the calender will get a check mark. Each day I don't, it'll get an X. If I can do a week of full checks, I'll treat myself with something small (I'm thinking a candle or wax tart, I love those things). If I can manage a full month of checks, I'll get myself something kind of big (a new outfit, a new book, etc).

They are as follows:

January - Eat at least three times a day. : This is difficult for me because I don't really ever feel hungry. But I'm determined to do this. I did this yesterday, so my first check of the year!
February- Eat 3 servings of vegetables or fruits every day. : I barely eat these anymore. It's upsetting. I know the daily amount is actually five, and my ideal would be MORE than that. But I need to start small here.
March - Eat 5 servings of vegetables or fruits every day. : Here we go!
April - Eat red meat no more than once a week.: This one will work a bit differently. On the days I don't eat red meat, I'll get a check. I'll put an X for the days I do. If I have more than one X a week, then I don't get my treat. If I have one X or no Xs a week, I get my treat. Simple.
May- Exercise at least three times a week. : Again, a bit different. I will 'x' out days where I don't exercise and check days I do. If I have more than four X's, I get no treat.
June- Exercise at least four times a week. : Same as before.
July- Exercise at least five times a week.: Same as before. This will be my max for times I 'have' to do some sort of exercise.
August- Drink soda no more than three times a week. Every day I drink soda, I'll 'x'. If I manage to get through a day with no soda at all, I'll check. More than three x's, then no treat.
September- Eat fast food no more than twice a week.: This will save me money and agony. This is going to work much like the others.
October- Take my vitamins every day.: Yes, I realize this should probably be closer to the top of the list, but as far as health priorities go, this is pretty low for me. I still want to do this, though, so I still think it deserves it's own month.
November- Don't eat prepackaged meals more than twice a week.: I eat a lot of TV dinners right now because they're cheap, easy, and they're not too abysmal. Too abysmal. However, they're abysmal enough. I want to limit the amount I eat to the days where I really am just that exhausted/in pain.
December- Drink more tea, less juice.: I'm going to be replacing that soda intake mostly with juice. I hope to replace the juice mostly with tea. I'm thinking maybe one juice per day, the rest water and tea.

So, those are the habits. Which brings me to wanting to lose at least 20lbs this year. If I follow those, I'm pretty sure I should be able to lose 20lbs, or more, by December. I would REALLY like to lose all that before July, honestly, so I could be the lightest I've ever been in my adult life on my 22nd birthday. But I don't want to freak myself out.

I've written in my planner a loose goal of wanting to lose 5lbs a month. (which does equal out to more than 20lbs in a year, yes)

Have a happy, awesome 2012. I hope your hopes, dreams, and wishes all come true!

Weigh in, December 11

2011-12-11T07:41:00.000-05:00

Well. Uh. It's been over a week. Dammit. I really should get better at this again.

Anyhoo.

Previous weigh in: 204.8
Today's weigh in: 204.2
Which means: loss of .6lbs

Okay, that's not a lot. And considering I skipped a week, it's likely that I gained weight at some point and probably lost some again.

My scale said I was 39.9% bodyfat this morning.

I'm going to a breakfast with Prince T this morning at my workplace. It's a Christmas thing and I'm not big on Christmas, but there'll be free food and also he's wanted to meet some of my co-workers for a while. He's not entirely convinced they all exist to the ridiculous extent that they do. I know the food will be tasty, and real, since it's being cooked by my boss this morning. I have no doubts in his abilities to make eggs, bacon, sausage, pancakes, and hashbrowns. I'll try not to go overboard, and considering how little I normally eat in the morning, this shouldn't be too difficult.

I need to quit eating out (fast food). I always end up getting more food than I actually need and then eating it all at once anyway. Even if the individual items aren't really that bad, what difference does it make if they end up totaling over 1,000 calories for one meal? Granted, I've only been eating one meal a day lately, but that has to be rectified as well. I'm going to continue my weekly ritual of eating out to a sit down restaurant once a week, finances willing. I just have to start making better choices there (like, not everything fried. my poor stomach).

Prince T is trying to convince me to get a gym membership with him and I keep just giggling at him every time. I know he means well and I know gyms are good things, but we don't do even remotely the same things at the gym. I do mostly cardio with a little bit of weights. He does all weights. It's not like we'd be keeping each other company at the gym at that rate. And I wanted to get a small, inexpensive home elliptical machine. So that would cover my cardio. I can get a small set of weights, as well, and that'll cover strength training. I don't really need the gym. He does, since he's doing some major strength training and bulking up, but not me.

Hopefully I'll have next Sunday off and can do my weigh in then. Or I'll just start keeping a note pad in the bathroom so I can write down the numbers before I go to work. That would be infinitely more reliable and logical, wouldn't it? I'll see if Prince T can stop by a small store or something at some point today so I can get one.

Weigh in, November 29

2011-11-29T21:20:00.000-05:00

Previous weigh in: 206.6lbs
This morning: 204.8lbs
Which means: loss of 1.8lbs

I have no idea when to actually do my weigh-ins. I don't have a regular work schedule and I don't like to do it before work, because I usually forget what the scale said that morning and I don't have time to update my blog or write it down before work.

Also, my scale says I'm about 40% body fat (40.3? 40.8? Something like that.) That's a LOT. Gosh. I think that's less than last week, though? I can't entirely remember, since I didn't write it down. I'll try to from now on.

Met

2011-11-21T15:54:00.000-05:00

Met my goal of 300 minutes of exercise this month. Unfortunately, it was all just walking and nothing extra. However, it's something. Next month's goal will be 400 minutes. Now that I have a working scale, it's taking everything in my power not to weigh myself more than once a week. It's a kind of fancy scale, too, that gives body fat percentages and all that, which is really neat.

I have a LOT of housework to do, so I'm very unlikely to be doing any exercise aside from that and walking for the next month or two. I need to completely clean out the storage room, clean the kitchen top to bottom, the living room top to bottom, the second floor bathroom top to the bottom, the third floor bathroom the same. The game room needs to be cleaned out, too, and my own room and the third floor hallway. It's kind of like spring cleaning, but way before spring. My sister's coming to visit and I haven't seen her in about three or four years, so I'm pretty excited to have everything super awesome and special for her when she shows up. I'll try and remember to wear my heart rate monitor while cleaning to see what that does for me, since I'll be running up and down three flights of stairs that whole time. I have until about March or so, but I don't want to leave this all for last second. We're turning the storage room into the guest room, so that's the first big thing to tackle.

One of my hopes with her visiting is that it'll be incentive to really lose some weight. I don't want to be this weight, or anywhere near it, when she shows up. I don't know why, but I really want her to see that I've lost weight. Probably because I know she's the only one in my family aside from my father, really, who wanted me to lose weight for all the right reasons and was never a jerk about it. She never once called me fat or anything growing up and she always was really gentle in her encouragement. She's also pretty much the only person in my family who's encouraged me to just be me. She means a lot to me, so I can't wait to see her again. It'll also be the first time I'll be meeting my niece, and the second time I'll be meeting my nephew. I have six nieces and nephews total, but those two are the ones I never see.

I really want to rework my goals for weightloss and my rewards system. I want to take this slowly, and take it one step at a time. I really think I was too stuck on the big picture last time. It was one thing for me to have lost 11 pounds or so, but I STILL had 70 or so left and that was just disheartening. I know a lot of people out there started with way more than I did, or still have way more than I do to lose, but I'm not them. I'm me. I appreciate the weight I've lost so far and the amount I've managed to keep off, but I'm not healthy this way. I'm perfectly happy, aside from the health issues. So, the health issues need to be addressed. I want to take this more on the strain of five pounds at a time. I'll lose five, see how I feel, and decide if another five need to go. Chances are I will decide that yes, another five need to be lost a few times, seeing as I'm at over 200lbs. I'm pretty sure some of that is gained weight from this summer and such, but I'm not sure how much of it is because of my scale situation.

I'm likely going to be going to a psychiatrist at some point within the next few months. Prince T is really encouraging it so I can get some updated diagnoses and maybe see if I can get some health insurance based on this. This would also make it easier to get benefits set up for myself if I end up unable to work thanks to my mental problems. These are things I've always worried about, but I didn't think just getting a diagnosis would do anything. Prince T is pretty insistent on it, and he's sure it will do a world of good for me to just have that on my medical record. To be honest, I'm terrified of going. He's going to have to drag me kicking and screaming into that office when the time comes and I know it. But I also know it's in my best interest to go, at least once.

Finally

2011-11-20T08:12:00.001-05:00

Finally got a new scale last night. I only weighed in this morning,though. Because I don't know how long, exactly, my scale was bonkers, I'm changing my starting weight to the one the new scale said. I don't really think it's fair to compare the weights from two different scales. Here's hoping that maybe knowing the numbers will help keep me in check? Will be updating measurements as soon as I find the darned tape measure, too.

As for the weight, I came in at 206.6lbs today.

It's hard

2011-11-08T19:10:00.000-05:00

To stay motivated, anyhow.

I want to just do what I want to do. I don't want to give myself any rules and I don't want to worry about numbers or grams or pounds or anything. I don't want to worry about fat or protein or sodium. I don't want to watch my caffeine intake. I don't want to take vitamins.

I also don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to have such a difficult time finding clothing. I don't want to do the seesaw yo yo game. I don't want to be tired or sick or sluggish anymore. I don't want to have to worry about whether I'm too heavy or too big. I don't want to have to worry about my health any more than a woman of 21 years should.

As I type this, I've got a fairly horrific pain in my right arm. It started in my hand and traveled its way up to my upper arm. It's still kind of in my hand and through my forearm, but it's mostly in my upper arm now. This is normal for me. This is normal for my legs, as well. This isn't normal. I don't know what it is, to a certain extent I have an idea of what it could be, but I don't want to self-diagnose.

Basically, I'm just sick of worrying. And I'm sick of making myself sick.

When I get a new scale, I'll weigh myself again. I'll start taking measurements again soon as well. I still stand firm on that I won't be counting calories. I will be watching fat, sodium, protein, fibre, sugars, etc, though. I'm still walking a lot, so that isn't really going to change in and of itself. Once I get the gaming room clean again, I can start playing my various dancing games again. Also need to make room for the elliptical I want to buy. Hopefully that will be happening within the next week as well.

We'll see. I'll be checking in.

Happy Halloween!

2011-10-31T11:20:00.000-04:00

It's Halloween today! I hope you all have a wonderful, fun, and safe Halloween in whatever way you decide to celebrate it. And for those who don't, happy Monday!

Tonight I'm going to UMASS to watch a performance of the Rocky Horror Picture Show. It's one of my favorite movies, but I've never seen it performed live before. I'm fairly excited and I can't wait to go see it tonight.

Breakfast was half of a honey and peanut butter sandwich and a fruit and nut granola bar. Lunch was a hot turkey and cheese sandwich and a cracker and cheese snack.

Not entirely sure what dinner's going to look like, considering I'll be out and about for Halloween. Hopefully something tasty.

Salem, Rocky Horror, Halloween, oh my!

2011-10-30T11:42:00.000-04:00

A good portion of yesterday was spent in Salem, MA. We left early in the morning (M, Prince T, and I) and had an early breakfast. I had a peppermint hotchocolate and a mcgriddle. They tried to poison me with a mocha (CAFFEIIIINE) but I refused to take it. I wanted my hot chocolate, dammit. It was cold and it was early and I knew it would wake me up and perk me up. Prince T demolished a cup of coffee. Poor guy isn't used to waking up so early on non-class days.

We did a lot of walking. A lot of it. We drove to Salem without any stops and some...minor...issues. (Oh, Boston) We then proceeded to get lost in Salem before we even got to Derby Street or the historic district. So, we walked back to the car and then managed to walk in the RIGHT direction this time. We went to the pirate museum, which we loved (especially Prince T), walked around the old burial ground, and then did some shopping.

I managed to score myself an Isis ring, an eye of Horus necklace, and a really beautiful ankh. Along with a box for my tarot deck with an eye of Horus on it. I passed up a lot of stuff, I yearned for much more, and I vowed to come back for it all. Prince T was a good sport about all the religious stuff shopping. He even sat down in the corner of one store with a great big copy of the Lesser Keys and proceeded to read it while I wandered around trying to find things that weren't too ostentatious for me. And relevant at the same time. I teased him that I'd get him a wax working seal from the Goetia if he promised never, ever to use it and he kind of grinned at me. The idea amused him, I think, especially after reading that book for so long. He was sad to leave it behind (it was $50).

We wandered around a lot more. Went to the witch history museum and then it started to rain. While we still wanted to go to the witch dungeon museum, the witch house, the Witches' Cottage, Count Orlok's, some haunted houses, Gallows Hill, and the pit...well. It was raining. And Prince T was worried about freezing rain on the way back. So we went back to the car. M and I stopped by a Starbucks on the way back. I got a green tea and a red velvet mini whoopie pie.

In the car, I devoured a turkey and cheese sandwich we'd brought and a nut and fruit granola bar. Along with my hot green tea and an iced one I'd brought from home.

Tonight, I'm going to make Prince T watch Rocky Horror Picture Show and teach him the Time Warp for when we go see it on Halloween night done by the UMASS theatre company.

I have no idea how much I walked yesterday, but it felt like a lot. And my bag was heavy, which made it feel even longer.

Here's hoping when we go again this summer, that the weather doesn't turn on us again!

Ugh

2011-10-21T10:54:00.000-04:00

I am ridiculously down today. Between a panic attack early last week and the freak out I had yesterday, I just have no idea where I am emotionally anymore.

The panic attack happened at work. It was mostly just my anxiety disorder rearing its ugly head. I got over it enough to go back to work that day, Prince T whisked me off to take my mind off things after work, and then I was down for a few days. I figured I had gotten over it, I was mostly back to normal.

Yesterday was an eventful day. It was my day off and I got dragged off to Dartmouth to go help move an arcade machine. Yes, you heard that right. M bought an arcade machine. We get there and he looks at the back of it and peeks around the machine at me and says, "Hey, Princess, how many pounds is 233 kg?"

My jaw dropped. "233 kilograms?! Are you SERIOUS?" He nodded, expecting an answer! So, I said, "I think that's around 500, maybe 510 POUNDS." (I checked when I got home, 233kg is 512lbs, just about)

And we stared at each other.We had been guessing this thing would cap out at 300, maybe 350lbs. We were not expecting this machine to actually weigh that much. It wasn't a very big machine! (Fighting Mania, for all those familiar. And if you are, you're shaking your fist is sheer envy and rage that M got his hands on a working machine.)

We had a van, a way too small dolly, no ramp, no jack of any sort. And we had M's friend, Al, who was about our size and maybe as strong. I'm not very strong, neither is M. (M and Al can comfortably lift up to 100lbs without hurting themselves, I can do about 50lbs.)

But! We figured the joint effort would do it! (even though we had a combined lifting power of 250lbs, but nevermind!) The machine was on wheels, so getting it TO the van wouldn't be an issue. We were mostly worried about getting it INTO the van. So, fast forward about an hour. We have not managed to get this hell machine into the van. It's 10am, I know Prince T is sleeping, but I know he doesn't have class. I make a desperate call to him, beg beg begging him to come help us. He's got a foot on all of us and is stronger than any one single person we had. SURELY with his help, we could get this blasted thing into the van, right?

Much pulling, pushing, screaming, kicking, swearing, and cursing later, that dreadful machine was in the back of the van. M was crushed between it and the back door, I was in the bitchseat between the driver and passenger seat (don't tell me how illegal this setup was, we were all aware). The other two boys got their own seats. We get to the storage locker M rented and we manage with MUCH LESS EFFORT to get this behemoth out of the van, into the building, and into the locker.

Much rejoicing. Prince T kicked a random stick and screamed at it. We all swore we would never look at that goddamn machine again...or at least for another two or three years. We piled into the van, M in the passenger seat, Prince T and I hiding in the back, Al driving. Eventually, we refilled the tank, got the demon van back to the rental place, and then Prince T and I went off to have a magical adventure at his place.

By magical adventure, I mean we proceeded to pass out in his room from the monumental effort of moving a 512lb arcade machine from the mall to a storage locker in another town. We slept. I'm not sure for how long, really, because I don't even know when we fell asleep. But I'd guess around 5pm.

During this nap, I had a nightmare. A fairly awful one, actually. I react really physically to my dreams most of the time. It's not uncommon for me to cry or scream in my sleep. This time, I was twitching around and convulsing a bit. I remember Prince T waking me up, just barely hearing him say, "Are you alright? Are you okay? You're twitching. What's wrong?"

And then I crashed. The twitching turned into full on convulsing. I couldn't control it and I was just clinging onto him and having full body spasms every few seconds. I could barely talk, not doing much other than whimpering and whining. I kept trying to curl up and hide, but that wasn't really possible with him holding onto me, so I just kept twitching and shaking. He kept talking to me the whole time, trying to calm me down (reassuring me I was safe, that it hadn't been real, etc). Eventually, I calmed down, just twitching a little bit, breathing mostly normally. I was talking a bit at the point, a bit strained and really quiet and mumbling, but I was talking. He eventually got me to leave the dorm room for a little walk, something to eat, and then we went back to his room where he proceeded to distract me with Nosferatu and Dr. Strangelove.

He cheered me up, quite a bit, but I'm still not 100%. I didn't sleep well last night. I kept waking up every hour or two. No dreams that I can remember, but always this feel of a slight swell of panic.

So right now, I'm depressed, exhausted, and a little shaky. I have work in an hour and I don't really want to go, but I'm going anyhow. It might be a good distraction for me. I'll pull out of this, I always do. I'm just hoping I don't pull out of this using food.

I had a heavy breakfast. An egg and bacon and cheese sandwich with some juice. A lighter lunch, just a hotdog with some tea. This should hold me through my five hours of work today. I'll likely have a lighter snack once I get out and then some chili for dinner.

Recollection

2011-10-08T16:19:00.000-04:00

"And I remember screaming at her, 'I don't deserve to be treated like this,' before I ran off up the stairs because I knew she wouldn't be able to follow me."

"You DON'T deserve to be treated like that. Don't ever believe her. She's just projecting onto you."

My last post touched a lot on how my mother was the biggest reason I had self esteem issues. Last night, on an unrelated topic, my mother came up in conversation with Prince T. We were talking about the last time we had cried, it had stemmed from a fairly silly conversational topic, but ended up getting a bit serious.

A bit of backstory. I used to have really awful anger problems as a kid, all the way through middle school. I'd break things, throw things, generally scream and be a nasty, awful person. It didn't take much to get me to fly off the handle. I found out later this was mostly from my bi-polar disorder, but at the time this was all happening, no one knew. And I just seemed crazy and over sensitive. I learned to control my anger (and my temper, oh Prince T is wincing at that word right now) and not to resort to really destructive means to deal with it. When I get overwhelmed by it, though, my reaction is to just start crying. Because this is the most healthy, effective, least destructive form of my expressing my anger. I don't hurt anyone this way, verbally or physically. I don't break anything this way. It's much better for me. I usually don't get to that point anymore, but it does happen.

Also, I cry when I have panic attacks. So, this conversation was excluding when I cry out of anger or a panic attack or just being emotionally overwhelmed (because of my bi-polar).

Last summer, I was unemployed, as you know from my blog posts. I was living with my parents and having to rely on them, which felt absolutely awful. Mik had a job and he was supporting me a bit, as well, which also made me feel awful. I only had Mik and N at the time in the area, no other friends that I had contact with. I was lonely and depressed most of the time and just generally really miserable.

One day I made my way downstairs to go talk to my mother. I don't even make it to the last step before she starts screaming at me over a phone that had been left overnight out of its charger. A phone I hadn't even used. But clearly, it was my fault and no one else's. Clearly it was my fault even though I haven't touched a land line since I got a cellphone. I just stood there, staring at her, not really sure how this was happening or why. She switched her topic of 'lecture' to now be about how useless I was, how I wasn't accomplishing anything and how I was just sitting around and doing nothing with my life. Me, who had been walking miles and miles whenever dad was at work so I could put in applications for jobs. Me, who searched online for applications. Me, who managed to scrape together a few extra bucks by doing odd online jobs (writing articles, short stories, taking surveys, etc). I wasn't doing anything. I wasn't trying. I was useless.

Useless.

That's a recurring theme in my life. I felt useless for a long time before I moved back in with my parents. Long before I left home. I felt useless and awful and stupid, ugly, fat, all those negative things.

I never stood up for myself as a child against my mother. I know my mother loves me, I know she wants what's best for me. But the culture she's from isn't a kind one all the time. The part of Portugal we're from is very harsh. Failure isn't taken well. You're hard on your children to teach them the world. Tough love is a standard. But I've never reacted well to any of that. I'm sure that doesn't hurt some people, but I'm also sure most people can't handle 21 years of that and not come out emotionally damaged.

I stood up for myself last year that day. I screamed at her that I didn't deserve to be treated that way. That I didn't deserve to be treated like crap for things that weren't my fault. That I was trying my best and it wasn't my fault jobs are hard to come by in this city (one of the poorest in Massachusetts), that I had been trying hard to make extra money, that I had been cleaning all the time just to stop thinking about how miserable I was. I told her it wasn't fair she was making me feel so awful because SHE'S miserable. I told her I was done taking it. I was done just letting her rail into me like that.

I don't deserve to be treated that way.

And so I went upstairs and cried. Cried for all the years I just took that. Cried for the way she's always made me feel. Cried for how miserable I was. Cried and cried and cried until I was sick. I called N and had him take me away, whisk me off somewhere. I touched on this briefly last year, actually. Right here, for a refresher. I was down for days afterwards, but managed to pull out of it.

My mother DID apologize when I got home. She told me she was sorry for flying off the handle the way she had, told me she was sorry for what she'd said and that she hadn't intended on making me feel so bad. She hasn't done anything that bad since then, even though she does still call attention to my weight every chance she gets.

Prince T hates these stories, these things that come up and I don't realize how awful they are until I think back on them.

I love my mother, despite everything she's made me feel. She's a wonderful woman who does care very deeply for me. She'd give anything to make me happy and she tries her hardest to give me everything I could possibly ever want or need. through some talks, we've been able to mend this relationship a bit. She's being more gentle, I'm being less sensitive. I know I haven't always been the perfect daughter, and I'm still not. But she's not been the perfect mother, either. But we're both trying and this is getting better.

Maybe one day, these stories will be just that; stories of things that happened to me in the past, not a day or two ago.

I'll think back and remember how I used to feel, how I got past it, and how I didn't just eat my problems away like my father would have suggested I do. I hope next year, I'll have much fewer stories to tell about my mother that are negative and many more positive ones.

This blog is shifting away from weight loss, it seems, and more to my personal life and such. If that's an issue, I'm sorry. But I do think these things are important to look at, especially since I'm a very emotionally driven person. Prince T is very logical, he's all numbers and facts. I'm very emotional, all colors and feelings. I suppose together we equal out to a more rational and sane person. (Okay, maybe sane wasn't the best choice of word there, all considered anyone who knows us very well)

I still am going to talk a lot about my health, size, weight, and healthy eating. I still want to talk about food and how to not become a miserable person hiding in their room stuffing down every negative feeling with cookies.

AAAGH, body image, self-esteem, and a big dallop of MISC, all for 50 calories or less!

2011-10-06T22:58:00.000-04:00

This is how yesterday went:

Alarm clock goes off at 6am. Groan and wonder WHY IS THE PHONE MAKING THIS HORRIFIC NOISE SO EARLY. Realize I have work.
Roll out of bed five minutes later, wanting to cry.
Begrudgingly get dressed.
Eat (banana, toast, instant breakfast drink)
Brush teeth, pack change of clothing, leave at 6:30am.
Walk one mile to work, arrive at 7am.
Work until 11:45am. (yes, really)
Walk uphill one mile home.
Drink orange juice, yell at M to leave.
Walk two miles with M to the dentist and wait for him there.
Go get something to eat at McD's when he's done.
Walk two miles back home.
Shower. Get dressed.
Drive off to meet Prince T, who proceeds to whisk me off to Birch (place on campus) to have a small dinner.
Curl up on Prince T's bed and proceed to whine and cry and whine.
Stay at Prince T's until 12am. SOMEHOW without sleeping at all.
Arrive home at 12:30am and promptly pass out.

I slept four and a half hours, walked six miles, and stayed up horrendously late. You'd think I would have had an easier day today. While I DID get a ride to and from work, I was pretty much instantly whisked off to Providence after I got home by Prince T to walk around the gigaaantic mall after work. He bought me a Build a Bear, we bought some tea at the Teavana, managed not to go into the Godiva store, and generally had a wonderful, pleasant time. Lots of walking, little sitting today, much like yesterday, but I'm happy.

Came home and put on a pot of my wonderful new tea and made dinner. Bay scallops with low sodium bacon, green bell pepper, baby carrots, baby bella mushrooms, sesame oil, olive oil, butter with some rice pilaf (carrots, peppers, peas, corn) on the side. I ate dinner alone, on account of M being at work, but I saved him plenty of dinner for when he gets home. I know he'll be tired and I'm sure he'll appreciate it.

Prince T is waiting for some cash to come his way so I can make him some truffles. I promised him I'd make them for him if he didn't go into the Godiva store. Wonderful, delicious treats in there, but so expensive! And Prince T is a fairly trim, lean man (he works out and is 21, oh men and their metabolisms!) so he doesn't have to really worry about the idea of eating a bunch of truffles or what ever else we would have picked up. I, however, am a tiny little thing who gains weight easily...and has blood sugar issues. And Prince T, gentleman that he is, always shares his sugary treats with me. While I appreciate this, I also shouldn't be eating cookies, cakes, candies, and truffles all the time.

So I've taken to just offering to make them for him. It's cheaper, he gets more, he gets something made by his princess, and I won't put a bunch of not-food-like substances in it. He's in college, so he can always pawn off the extras on his friends, who are constantly going on sugar binges. Whereas in my house, it would sit around and M and I would attempt to polish it all off before it spoiled/went stale. I much prefer this.

I've taught him the joys of good tea as well. Now, before you go and think that I make a habit out of buying tea at Teavana (2 ounces of tea ranges from $3 all the way to $30, depending on type, origin, etc) and couple this with my lolita thing, I'm going to tell you I really am not rich or anything. Haha. I just save up for a while and buy cute clothes, or delicious tea. Prince T couldn't fathom spending that much money on tea. ( "They want $12 for TWO OUNCES OF TEA?") Until I handed him a sample cup. His eyes lit up, a lazy smile came over his face, and he practically squealed. My prince had been conquered by the delicious taste of white tea mixed with berries and flower petals and I knew it. He willingly paid $12 for those two ounces, took the tea home and proceeded to...

Improperly brew it, thus destroying his first cup of expensive tea. (Two ounces of tea will give you a good 10 or so cups of tea, by the way)

He contacted me, lamenting over this. I brought him to the nearest Stop n Shop, had him buy a tea ball, and then told him how he could go about brewing his tea. He tried it that night and instant messaged me, telling me how wonderful it was.

So here we are this afternoon, standing in the Teavana. He's wriggling and whining about how he wants tea but he can't afford any. Until a wonderful Earl Grey catches his eye, for a mere $4! He jumped on it (and on a cup of extremely expensive black tea to-go). I jumped on a white tea (Youthberry), an herbal (Wild orange blossom), and a green (Blackberry Mojito) and got a cup of Raspberry Soiree green to-go, unsweetened.

I've made it a mission to drink more tea. I want to replace my sodas, and to some extent, the juice I drink with tea. I drink a lot of juice, which isn't bad for me, and I don't buy any that are sweetened with artificial sweeteners or corn syrups. However, juice is made from fruit, fruit is very sweet, so I'm pretty much injecting sugar into me every time I drink juice. Now, I don't have diabetes or hypoglycemia or anything, but I do get some pretty bad blood sugar spikes and dips if I'm not careful with what I put in my mouth. This is why I'm thinking of only having juice with breakfast or dinner (not both) and not drinking it during the day in-between meals. I don't drink much soda anymore (sometimes at work I'll have one glass, or if we go out to eat somewhere suddenly). Prince T more or less has me get the fake tea drinks (Which make us both sad after many trips to Teavana) and stay away from colas. Damn that prince knowing caffeine makes me ill!

Also, I'm eating a lot more seafood and a lot less...other meats. I don't really eat poultry for...strange reasons. The smell of chicken meat (cooked or raw) makes me sick to my stomach for reasons I can't really explain. Whenever I eat chicken, I can't really allow myself to smell the meat or else I'll get fairly nauseous. Can't really explain that one at all, but it is what it is. I dislike turkey in most forms, except deli sliced very thin for sandwiches or in soups. I like rock cornish hens, but only made the way my dad makes it (Which in the tradition of a lot of Portuguese food, will likely be the cause of my impending heart attack). Beef doesn't hold the same appeal it did when I was younger. It's just...not special. It's not that great. I always cook it medium rare to medium, so it's not that I'm overcooking it and destroying the flavor and juiciness. I'm good at cooking beef. I just don't really like it. Pork is boring. Oh, it's SO boring. And I don't like game meats (rabbit, venison, etc). I am fond of veal, but it's expensive and not really work the price tag for me. Lamb is also nice, despite its gameyness, but again, not really worth the price tag for me and I really only like it in gyros.

So what does that leave me with? Scallops, shrimp, halibut, flounder, cod, periwinkles (dirt cheap!), mussels, clams... Oh my, it doesn't end there. Tilapia, salmon, whiting, pollock... All so good! Pan fry it, tempura fry it, bake it, put it in soups, steam it, poach, grill, blacken it... I make seafood all sorts of different ways and I'm in love each and every time.

I'm thinking of making Prince T a big pot of clam chowder to share with his roommates and friends. No good New England-er doesn't like clam chowder, right? Especially since he's from the Cape! I didn't even grow up on the Cape and I'm addicted to a good clam chowder. And before you get on me for this whole cream based soup thing, in reality...It's not that bad for you. Come on. It's soup. At worst, I've seen a big bowl go for about 400 calories, 8-10 grams of fat, etc.etc. It's filling, delicious, and extremely comforting. I'm sure I could make something healthier than that, and will likely try, as I worry for Prince T's heart (donuts, cookies, pizza, sandwiches, store bought pastries... Oh his heart). I taught him good tea is fantastic, cheap vodka is why he hated vodka (and why good vodka is AMAZING), and that wine can be good when paired with the right foods. I also taught him to make eggs. I can teach him real food is delicious! And he's such a willing student, too.

So, in the past week I've managed to walk eight miles. FUU. Oh god. REALLY? Where did THAT come from? And that's not counting all the running around I do at work or around the mall or around the UMASS campus (Oh no, you all probably have a pretty good idea of where I live now from this post...! Oh well!).

Tomorrow, M, Prince T and I are going to the arcade for a bit. I think I'll wear jeans and have a casual day (no lolita) for the express purpose of being able to play DDR comfortably. Or I'll wear a pencil skirt and just be way too overdressed to be playing DDR, but be incredibly sexy!

Speaking of being sexy, let's talk about body image and self-esteem. Growing up, my body image was TERRIBLE and my self-esteem non existent. I mean that. I thought I was the fattest, ugliest, most disgusting thing ever. Ever since I can remember, I thought of myself that way. All the way back in middle school, before the bi-polar diagnosis, before the medication, before I ever remember feeling emotionally off, I always had a skewed perception of myself. My mother always told me I was fat, always tried to get me on a diet. While my father never told me I was fat, never told me I was overweight or chubby, he did encourage me to take better care of myself. I never did.

Through high school, after I threw out the medication for my misdiagnosis (I was first diagnosed with general run of the mill depression), after I packed on another thirty or so pounds and managed to get myself into a size 18/20 and was steadily going towards 20/22, I remember being miserable. I dressed in an androgynous manner to hide, so no one would see what I looked like... So I wouldn't see what I looked like. I was always angry or upset or just generally down. Not just because of my bi-polar, but because also of how I viewed myself. I recently found a diary from when I was 16 or so. The one entry I managed to read started out a bit normally but ended up dissolving into an entry about how much I hated myself. About how fat I was. About how I was ugly, how no one would ever think I was pretty.

I moved out of my parents house when I was 18. Moved from Massachusetts to Illinois to live with Mik. This was, perhaps, the best thing I could have done for myself. Removing myself from my mother's presence (and I'm not trying to vilify my mother) was the best thing for me. I grew as a person. No longer was I the baby who would have everything taken care of for her. I had to pay bills, cook for myself, clean for myself, get MYSELF up for things, and make my own way through life. My father wasn't there to gently prod and guide me. My mother wasn't there to protect me.

She also wasn't there to call me fat. She wasn't there to try and make me diet. She wasn't there to see me, see how I dressed, anything.

I don't know exactly when I started seeing myself more positively or what exactly happened. I started wearing more feminine clothing, with shape to them, so you could see me and not just a bunch of fabric. I was a happier person. Yes, I was also about 30 pounds lighter than I had been since I left high school (which is about when I started this blog, after losing a good bit of weight), but I'm not sure if that had everything to do with it. I think what had to do with it was realizing my mother was wrong.

I was not FAT. Yes, I was overweight, but I was NOT what my mother had driven me to believe I was. The image she had given me was of some grotesquely large, rolls and rolls of fat everywhere, jiggling without control, too big to buy clothing in a store. That was how my mother made me feel. That's what the word 'fat' has always meant to me.

I WAS NOT FAT. Not when I was 10, 15, 18, or even now. I am not FAT.

I am a curvy, beautiful woman. I was a chubby, adorable middle schooler. I was an awkward, curvy, but beautiful young girl in high school.

I. Was. NOT. FAT.

Living with my mother again now, hearing her say things like that again, has really driven home how I was made to feel for 18 years of my life. Being away for two years was all I needed to shake reality into me. For me to really appreciate myself, see who I really was...

What I really looked like.

I am five feet two inches tall. I have small breasts, a little waist, and a good bit of extra weight in my stomach. My hips are quite wide, and my thighs are also quite fleshy. I have trimmer calves, little ankles, and small feet. My wrists are itty bitty, my hands child sized. Do I have the 'ideal' body? No.

But here's the important part.

I smile when I look in the mirror and see my body.

I like the way it looks. I would still like it if it were smaller. I would still like it if it were bigger. Because I like ME. I love ME. And that causes me to love the rest of me.

So I have the 'ideal' body? No.

But when Prince T looks at me, he smiles. He holds my hand, or hugs me tightly, tells me I'm perfect, tells me he loves me. As I am. He knows how much I used to weigh and I believe him when he tells me he would still be with me if I ever weighed that much again. But at the same time, he supports my wanting to lose weight for health reasons.

When I wear lolita and it fits and looks adorable and good, I'm happy. Even when my mother tells me it makes me look fat. ("SUCH a cute dress!...too bad it makes you look so fat...") I know it isn't true. I know it's just her way of trying to get me to be healthy. She was raised that way and I know she just doesn't know any better or any different, that it comes from a place of love, even if it sounds terrible.

So, that was my ridiculously long post.

I hope you all take some time to really love yourselves today, I mean that. I wasted so many years hating myself. Hating my body, hating my personality, hating my life. I wasted so much time doing that. And if you feel the same way, then you're just wasting time, too.

Please don't waste any more time. You deserve to be happy and you deserve your love.

Once I realized that, everything else just slipped into place. I hope it does for you, too.

Food and Drink and some misc.

2011-09-27T19:39:00.001-04:00

Breakfast ; two slices of whole grain wheat toast, 2 tbls peach preserves, 2 tbls natural peanut butter, 2 cups chocolate milk, a yogurt.

Snack ; two slices whole grain wheat toast, 1 tbls peach preserves, 1 tbls natural peanut butter, 1 yogurt, 1 can Mr. Brown

Lunch ; two bowls miso soup (see below), two cups orange drink

So, this morning, I woke up somewhat on time and got some food into me before getting to work. I tried to eat a bit heavy this morning since I knew I wouldn't have time to eat at work and wouldn't be home until about four. Breakfast was at about 8am. Work went well enough, I stuck to water all day as a drink, didn't eat anything at work per usual. I don't really nibble on anything there anymore, either.

Got home and instantly made a snack, as I knew better than to not eat. I know I said no caffeine, but I seem to be terrible at controlling myself whenever Prince T isn't around. He isn't here? I drink caffeine. He is? I go for things without. I should probably talk to him about this and see if we can figure something out on how to help me control myself a bit more.

Now, the miso soup. Basically, I took a big pot and put 4 cups of water in it. In went some white miso, a lot of red miso, some dashi, some tofu, some carrots, mushrooms, some halibut, some somen noodles, a little sesame oil, some daikon radish, spinach, and nori. I had a heaping bowl and then another half bowl of this. There's still some left and I'll have the rest of it for dinner tonight with the left over tempura from last night.

I think tomorrow I'll make some pho' when I get home from work instead of miso. We'll see how I feel.

I do have pictures of the soup and I'll post them this weekend, likely, when I'm off work.

Yeah, dinner will definitely be the left over soup with some warmed up tempura from last night. I think I'll add more somen to the soup, as I ate most of it earlier. I'll probably have an ice cream cupcake for dessert, as they've been calling me all day and I love them.

Made an order on Bodyline last night for some new clothing. I'm hoping to transition to wearing lolita 60-90% of the time, depending on weather and what I have in my closet when this stuff comes in. In total, when I get this package, I'll have in my closet:
Two dresses
Six skirts
Five blouses
Three pairs of socks
Three pairs of shoes
Two purses
Two petticoats
Assorted accessories (necklaces, earrings, bracelets, head accessories)
A winter coat
A fall coat
Two boleros

This seems like a pretty good wardrobe for me for the moment and enough to do this as full time as I really want.

Of course, one of my shirts and one of my boleros needs to be repaired. Haha. I should get onto M about this. I especially want the bolero repaired, as it's starting to get a tiiiny bit cooler some days. And the one shirt, since it's long sleeved.

I absolutely love one of my pairs of Bodyline shoes. They're enamel white with bows on them and a four inch heel (two inch platform, so my foot isn't arched all that much). The hilarious part is that Prince T still towers over me when I wear these. I don't even really reach his chin in these shoes. I guess that's what happens when you're 5'2''. I'm hoping that the new shoes I got in will replace the white ones as my favorites. They're pink with bows all over them. Very cute.

I'll be sure to post photos if I get any taken. M likes taking pictures of me in my lolita, especially for K back in Illinois who's always curious to see how I look in my new stuff. And Prince T is usually a good sport and will pose with me.

Before and After

2011-09-25T10:04:00.000-04:00

What's this? The Princess is actually posting photos? Why yes, yes she is.

So, the above is a photo from my senior prom, where I was at my heaviest. That floating hand is the product of me cutting out a friend in this photo. XD

And this was taken in July, at ConnectiCon. It's a little hard to tell a difference, especially since the lolita is so fluffy. But I actually have a waist in that outfit, as opposed to...not.

Life has a way...

2011-09-22T20:43:00.000-04:00

...of just sneaking up on you.

The convention came and went. It went well, it was fun, I met some nice people and saw a lot of cool things. The trip was a bit long, there and back, and the nights seemed to take forever. But nothing bad happened, nothing really noteworthy happened, either.

Between that and then getting some art work up and running (a comic, some writing, some paintings, etc), I lost time for the blog. I've been reading other blogs, not been commenting at all, but been reading them. I don't know why I haven't been commenting. I think it might have been because I was a bit scared that if I commented, I'd be expected to update my own blog again. But I just couldn't find the energy for it. So I didn't comment, even if I wanted to.

I haven't been doing anything, really, in the ways of keeping up with exercise or the eating well or anything. What a shocker, right? It's not something that upsets me, to be honest. Where before I would've been angry at myself, I would've done things like eat a bunch of cookies or something because I was upset over that. Well, I'm not really upset over this. Things happen, priorities changes, people change.

I still want to lose weight. That hasn't changed at all. I've changed, though, a lot in these past few months. From June to September, I'm very different.

I'm in a size 16 pant/skirt and a medium/large (XL in junior's) top. I haven't taken measurements in a while, nor have I weighed myself in longer. My scale just doesn't cut it anymore, it couldn't decide if I was 210 or 175 or anywhere in between at any given moment. And I know I'm not 175. Ahah. Though that would be lovely.

The vanity issue isn't quite there for me anymore. Yes, I wanted to lose weight because of health issues. But I also wanted to lose weight to look better and feel better about myself. I wanted to lose weight so I could fit into a bunch of pretty clothing and wear more lolita.

I can wear most of the lolita I want to now. Not everything. And a lot of things are still far away from my grasp. But I can fit into a good damned portion of lolita as it stands (yes, even brand). I'm in a size 16 pant and I'll be in a 14 soon enough, I'm sure, if I continue to lose weight again.

I love the way I look. This is true. Yes, I carry quite a bit of weight in my middle. Maybe some people wouldn't find my naked (or not so naked) body to be all that appealing. But I love the curves. I love the little waist that goes to the big hips. And you know what? So does Prince T (this princess is not quite nearly as single as she had been when she last posted).

This isn't any portion of vanity for me anymore. I look good, Prince T loves the way I look, I fit into pretty clothes and dress myself well (then again, I dressed myself well at 210lbs, too). Vanity? Taken care of.

Now. The medical issues. They're still here. My left hip is still giving me some pretty bad problems. Example.

I was lying with Prince T a few nights ago, just cuddling with him. I was a bit awkwardly position, my head against his ribs (not sure how that happened). He chuckled a bit and gently grabbed me by the shoulders and pulled me up closer to his chest. This simple act, forcing my hips to life just a bit, caused me some fairly intense agony. Of course, the Prince was quite worried indeed. I had to reassure him that he hadn't caused me any pain, that it was just my hip.

I'm 21 years old. It was just my hip.

That's a problem. A big one. I don't want it to be a problem, ever. Sure, it'll come up again when I'm older, but I don't want it to be for another 20, maybe 30 years if I'm lucky.

My left knee is also bothering me a bit. And my ankles. It's mainly my hip, though, that's giving me issues.

I know that losing weight will help this, a lot. However, I don't really want to go about this the way I was doing it before. I don't think that was really working for me, especially since I was fairly wishywashy with what I was even doing. I need to make some rules for myself. Some of these I know Prince T will enforce because, really, they involve more immediate aspects of my health.

1) No more caffeine (except for in green tea, the occasional black tea, and some chocolate).
Reasoning- Caffeine makes me ill. Amazingly, horribly ill. I get migraines and will start throwing up. It's pretty bad. I could have around 200-300mg of caffeine per day, but it seems that's gone down considerably and I no longer know how much I can have. I shouldn't be having any, honestly. This means no more colas (oh, Pepsi, it was nice knowing you), no more coffee (goodbye, Mr. Brown), and no more bottled teas (did you know a lot of green tea is cut with black tea? I found out the hard way.) This is one that Prince T will help enforce, seeing as he hates what caffeine does to me. The scolding I got for my last can of Mr. Brown was silly, but warrented.

2) No more artificial sweeteners (aspartame, sucralose, etc).
Reasoning- Chemicals. My body actually REALLY hates them. When I eat less processed foods, I feel better. My stomach doesn't feel wonky, and I get less headaches. Artificial sweeteners hate me. Well, I'm going to hate them, too. Aside from in my yogurts, I'm going to try and stay as far away as I can.

3) No added sugars (like corn syrup, fructose added to things, glucose added to things, etc).
Reasoning- Yeah, my body actually really hates those, too. My body actually really dislikes a lot of sugar, and usually these things are found in really high sugar products. So, I stay away from these, it'll be easier to not pump myself full of sugar.

4) Limit the oily/greasy foods.
Reasoning- These also make me REALLY sick. I limit these, I limit the amount of time I spend huddled over wishing I would just throw up and go on with my day to ease the agony.

5) No more skipping meals.
Reasoning- ...the obvious? This is actually going to be the hardest for me. I don't get hungry, so I never know when to eat. Prince T is constantly asking me, "Princess, are you hungry?" I shake my head and then he'll ask, "Have you even eaten today?" I think and usually, the answer is my shaking my head. He'll frown and drag me to get something to eat.

I'm not really concerned with measuring tapes, getting a new scale, or anything of the sort. I think if I can keep to those five rules in a broad sense, I'll be fine. Of course, I want to make more detailed things for myself. Not so much rules at that point, but guidelines. The only hard part there is that if I do something like 'no eating out more than x times a week', I eat out with Prince T at his campus stuff a lot. We don't go get fast food, but it's not like we eat anything better than burgers and fries, either. I also have little to no opinion on a lot of things, so he ends up ordering for me. This has actually happened several times. I might talk to him about this if this becomes more of a concern for me (we don't really go eat at the campus restaurants all that often, really). Right now, I'm not going to worry about it. Though he HAS been policing my caffeine intake. "Princess, is that a Pepsi?" "Uhhh..." "Put that down." Silly Prince...

But that's pretty much where I'm at, I guess. I'm hoping I'll be getting into posting a bit more frequently again. I especially want to start cooking a lot more, especially healthy things. Prince T's started working out recently (to build muscle, not lose weight) and I want him to have food that isn't a burger or a granola bar or whatever he can shove under his bed at his dorm. Silly thing. Granola bars and graham crackers aren't food!

If I get any good recipes, I'll definitely be sharing them, especially with photos. Hopefully one of these days I'll actually post a photo of myself. Who knows!

Weigh in, June 11

2011-06-11T13:57:00.000-04:00

So, I came in at 198.5lbs this week, which is a full pound lost from last week. I'm feeling pretty good physically, mostly due to controlling my eating.I don't feel gross or bogged down. Emotionally, I'm still kind of a stressridden wreck. I'll get over it and plan better for ConnectiCon next year so as to avoid this in '12. I'll post again after lunch if I have the time.

Anxiety

2011-06-10T10:27:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow's weigh in and I admit, I'm feeling a bit nervous. I'm afraid of not losing anything and I'm afraid of a gain. I've pretty much been eating much better lately, though that's partially because I've begun using my food journal again. No calorie counts, no fat counts. Just "Do I really want to put something like that down here?". I've logged everything I've eaten, even the not so good stuff.

Like how I had three donuts for dinner the other day. Or the three servings of Combos as a snack. Not on the same day, but they happened. I'm starting to realize I'm just so stressed over ConnectiCon in July (I'm going to be in the Artist's Colony, selling prints and commissions), that it's becoming really difficult to control myself around food. If Mik gets a donut, well..now I want one, too. And not just one, I want two or three. Thankfully, I didn't buy the half dozen. He tried to get me to, saying it would be cheaper and I could just put the others away for another day.

Thank god I know myself a little better than that. When I told him that, he seemed a bit confused, but he dropped the issue. The thing is, I know I would've ate all six, so long as my stomach could handle it. I'm not out to make myself feel overstuffed or sick. I don't like that feeling and that's never been something I do. I DO have a kind of screwed up body, though, and it's beginning to work again like a normal one. I never got hungry before and very rarely felt full. I could eat all I wanted and it never affected me one way or the other. The only way I could feel hungry was to not eat for a day or more. And I'd done that before, on numerous occasions, not for any other reason than I'm a space case and without the sensation of hunger, I would FORGET to eat. Sure, I get thirsty a lot, and I would always drink plenty. But food hasn't been a priority for me for years. I also was incapable of eating in the morning. Not only was I not hungry, but it would make me throw up if I ate.

Now? I get hungry every few hours. Like a normal human being with needs and a working body. I stop when I'm not hungry anymore because now I have the trigger to say, "HEY, I don't need anymore! It's okay!". I get hungry in the mornings and can eat a light breakfast now. Nothing heavy (no eggs, no cheese), but it's better than before. Lately, I've been eating a small serving of cereal with milk. I bring snacks to work and actually eat them, as long as I have time. On busier days, I can't. I can't even get away long enough to do job-related tasks, much less something else. I eat a breakfast, a lunch, and a dinner. And at least two snacks. If they were light, I'll eat a third as long as I'm still hungry and it's not time for the next meal.

In fact, it's before noon, and I'm hungry now. When I finish this post I plan on going to eat some breakfast.

My food journal looks wonderful now, in comparison to when I first started it. At first, I had sporadic items of food. No real meals, except for maybe one large one. Now, I have a small breakfast, small snacks, a moderate to heavy lunch, and a moderate to light dinner, depending on lunch. Anything no calorie or fat doesn't get put into my journal. So, water for example doesn't get put in, seeing as it has no fat or calories. The two low-cal Gatorades I drank at work yesterday, however, did get mentioned.

Hopefully tomorrow's weigh in will be good. I want to get somewhere with all this. And I want to buy SO MUCH lolita. It would be wonderful. All the fabrics and lace and pretty ruffles in my closet. But the dream will have to wait. The only things I can fit into now are random items from Chinese shops, Bodyline, and some Baby the Stars Shine Bright (VERY exciting for me. I cried the day I realized this.). Nothing to make a full wardrobe out of.

Weigh in, June 7th

2011-06-07T16:10:00.000-04:00

Came in at 199.5lbs today. That's a gain of half a pound. Not too bad considering how terrible I was feeling, but a gain is a gain and I need to correct that ASAP.

Updaates

2011-05-29T20:40:00.000-04:00

Changed the template and made a few changes to the blog. I think it's a little easier to read this way instead of everything being sooo squished up. Also tried to make my lists a little bit clearer. And changed the way the archive looks instead of it going by day (WHY would an archive go by DAY?) it now goes by month.

All there is to it

2011-05-29T20:22:00.000-04:00

I didn't post my weight last week or this because I simply didn't weigh myself. I've felt really down lately, and my body hasn't been itself. I've been nauseous and gross and not feeling great. So I opted not to weigh. Nothing short of a 'breaking the 195lbs barrier' would have made me feel better, and that's just unrealistic. I'm not plunging myself into depression and self loathing over a stupid number and that's all there is to it.

I did, however, start amping up my exercise again. I'm 100minutes away from hitting my 500minute goal. I think I can do that in the next two days without harming myself, that's just 50 minutes tomorrow (two workouts including warm up and cool down) and Tuesday, each. I don't think that sounds like a big deal. One when I get home from work tomorrow and another sometime before bed. And then one in the morning on Tuesday and another in the afternoon.

Speaking of working out, I am positively dripping in sweat today after my workout. I might do another one soon today and just cut out one of the ones tomorrow because I still feel darned good. I'll give it another half hour or so and see how I feel. I don't really want to push myself too hard and hurt myself and I don't want to be tired out for work tomorrow. That just sounds like a bad idea.

I'm feeling good, but I won't weigh myself until next Saturday. I want to keep feeling good as long as possible. Hopefully all these feel good chemicals in my brain from working out will help me keep feeling that way even if I have a bad weigh in next Saturday. It's possible, since I haven't really been watching what does down the big hole here, but I've done much better today.

One step at a time, that's all I can ask for from myself.

BMI

2011-05-20T19:48:00.000-04:00

I know BMI isn't exactly accurate and it's a bit controversial, but I'm using the numbers a tiny bit as a gauge to see my progress.

Let me just get one thing out of the way. According to my BMI, when I was 230 lbs, I was morbidly obese. Not once did I EVER feel that way. Not once. Sure, I knew I was fat, but I didn't think, "Man, Astrid, you sure are morbidly obese, you should do something about that". So already, I was a bit skeptical.

My BMI right now is 36.2, which puts me in the 'severely obese' category. Again, I'm SEVERELY OBESE? I sure don't feel it. I don't even feel FAT. I feel a bit heavy, a little chubby, but not FAT.

I'll be regular old obese at 191lbs (34.9 BMI). That's only eight pounds away from where I was at last Saturday. Slightly overweight comes at 164lbs (30 BMI). 136lbs brings the healthy weight. That's awesome. Because I plan on stopping at about 125lbs. Or seeing if I want to lose more (depends on how healthy I feel). I doubt I'd lose more, but I don't think I'd go under 115lbs, period. Maybe 110. But that just SOUNDS too small right now. Honestly, even 136 sounds really tiny to me. But I'll see when I get closer. I might even stop before that.

I just want to be healthy more than anything else.

Weigh in, May 16th- latelatelate

2011-05-16T18:42:00.000-04:00

Late post! I DID weigh in on Saturday morning, I simply didn't post about it.

So, I stood on the scale, naked as could be, with my cat pawing at the bathroom door trying to get in and mewling angrily about it. The numbers? 199lbs. Same as last week.

I'll take it.

No real complaints about the number since my measurements keep going down. Which reminds me...

I forgot to post my beginning of the month measurements. It's time for my middle of the month measurements. Oops!

So, this time last month, my measurements looked like this:

Bust: 38" (97cm)
Waist: 35.5" (90cm)
Hips: 45" (114cm)

Measurements as of today:

Bust: 38" (97cm)
Waist: 34" (86cm)
Hips: 43.5" (110cm)

My bust stayed the damn (darnit! get smaller!), but my waist went down an inch and a half! Holy god! So did my HIPS. My hips are almost in the 30's! And almost under 100cm. Wow. Just wow. I can't remember the last time I was this small. I can't remember my waist ever being this tiny.

Also, just as a frame of reference, I'm using my hips as the widest part of me (around the bottom of my tummy). My ACTUAL hips (around the butt and top of the thighs) is about an inch or so smaller than that number. Also, for fun, let's add in arms and thighs. And calves!

Arm: 11" (28cm)
Thigh: 22.5" (57cm)
Calf: 15" (38cm)

I am measuring around the widest of each, so there you go.

For even more fun, my measurements from June 2010:
Bust: 44" (112cm)
Waist: 42" (107cm)
Hips: 51.5" (131cm)
Thigh: 26" (66cm)
Calf: 16" (41cm)
Arm: 11" (28cm)

So, I've lost six inches off my bust, eight off my waist, eight off my hips, three and a half off my thigh, one off my calf, and nothing off my arm (darn you, arm!). In the span of slightly less than a year. Wow.

Of course these are all going to be posted against next month, in June, when I make a "one year since I gained back all that weight and started taking it off" post. Hopefully in February of next year I'll have a "one year since I started posting again and lost a bunch of weight" post.

I've sworn off all soda except for caffeine free diet. It's really hard to find restaurants that carry caffeine free, so there's little temptation in that front. The reason for caffeine free? I'm very caffeine sensitive. I can have about 150-200mgs before the migraine sets in and I start puking without control. It's generally not any fun whatsoever, so I've tried to swear off the stuff forever (as much as possible).

Decaff coffees from the DnD or Starbucks are a special treat, as far as I see it. I'd get them from McD's, but they always seem so confused when I ask for decaff. I think tthe stoned out teenagers at my local McDonald's don't think anyone their age or slightly older drinks decaff. I have to be pitched over like an old woman to want decaff for my ohsosensitive tummy.

Speaking of McD's, I've sworn off going to them for convenience. If I'm craving something from them specifically and it's not crazy, I'll indulge. I'm not going there 'just because' anymore. That just doesn't work for me. Same thing for Taco Bell. I won't go to BK anymore at all. Something in their food makes me terribly ill. I hate their burgers and chicken sandwiches anyhow. I only like their fries. So I guess I'm saving myself some misery. Wendy's is still okay in my book as long as I make smart decisions, and only if I've gotten tired of Subway.

Now, I can't really cook at home. My kitchen sink is broken as broken could be, so I can't really...wash my dishes. Washing them in the bathroom sink or bathtub is out of the question because of the drains. They just don't agree with that sort of cleaning. I don't think they'd agree with cleaning me if I had stickies all over me, though. I'm basically sticking to things I can nuke (steamed veggies and starches, some meats, etc), eat raw or cold (sandwiches, veggies, fruits, etc), or take out.

My drink of choice, however, is just water. Cold, maybe with some lemon or a flavor packet for variety, nothing really fancy about it. Also I make iced tea (with minimal Splenda) on occasion in a plastic cup (nuke the water, add the sweetner and bag of tea, and then stick it in the fridge. Ice cubes are out of the question in my kitchen), but it's generally way too much effort for me right now.

Weigh in, May 7th plus some confessions

2011-05-07T11:05:00.000-04:00

Today I came in at 199lbs. 199lbs. I cannot describe how happy, how amazed I was to see this number. And how absolutely relieved. It's a new decade and I plan on going down into another new one, one I haven't been in a long, long time. I don't ever want to be 200lbs+ again and I'm going to work on seeing it doesn't happen.

My first weigh in in April (on the 2nd), I came in at 205lbs. That means I lost SIX POUNDS in the month of April. SIX. POUNDS. I GAINED a pound from March to April, so this is more than just progress. This is really, really making me hopeful I can see my goal numbers soon. This is making me hopeful I'll be in the 180's by my 21st birthday, maybe even lower! I would love to be 175lbs on my birthday. I haven't been that weight since I was 12, about nine years ago. It would be monumental for me.

Now for the confessions and why I was so relieved to see a loss of a pound, much less any loss at all. Thursday was a very, very bad eating day. Let me tell you what I ate in all of the gorey details:

-A whole brownie (3x3inches) with chocolate chips in it. My manager cut a few too many brownies by 'accident' and she divided them up between me, her, and another cook that was in the room. Actually, to be fair, he swiped his own brownie when she wasn't looking. Not that she cared.
-Half of a cookie. It was a broken cookie we couldn't serve, to my manager and I shared it.
-Half of a taco (tortilla, meat, cheese, sour cream full fat). One of the line cooks tried one of our Cinco de Mayo tacos, hated it, and cut it in half. He offered it to me because I said I liked tacos. I ate it.
-A full taco (meat, tortilla, cheese, beans, sour cream, salsa). I was 'hungry'. Actually, I just really wanted that damn taco.
-Two servings of chicken tenders (about ten pieces). Another line cook screwed up. Badly. He made about four extra servings of chicken tenders that we couldn't serve. Me, the other prep cook, my manager, and some waitresses all got to eat them. I ate a piece every time I got a SIP of my drink. Uuugh.
-Three bowls of cereal once I got home. One of them was Honey Nut Cheerioes, the other two were Apple Jacks. With whole milk (which I don't usually drink, but it was all we had).

Needless to say, Thursday was a bit of a complete and utter disaster. Completely. Yesterday only went marginally better. I didn't eat in such vast quantities and didn't eat such crap, but I only ate ONCE. Uugh. My roommate and I went to a Polish restaurant I LOVE that he had never been to. I had a kielbasa, a golabki, a cup of kapusta, some of his salad (he hates salad), two potato and cheese pierogies, a pizza pierogi, a chourcio pierogi, and two strawberry dessert piergoies with a scoop of icecream. He tried to get me to try his rum raisin pierogi and I refused. Ewwww rum.

I had a fairly large dinner, but I'm angry at myself for eating only once. I haven't been eating any kind of breakfast lately because I don't wake up hungry at all most days and other days, I've been walking up really late so I end up rushing out of the house last minute.

Today I hope to eat more than once. I'm hungry right now, so I'm going to end up scrounging around for food. We don't really have much and can't really cook anything right now. Our kitchen sink is broken, so we can't wash anything if we dirty it. Eeeew.

I think I have some canned soup I can microwave and eat for brunch and lunch (a whole can is way too much for me. They're huge!).

I also have some cleaning and such to do today. I'm going to fit in some Just Dance and maybe a little more today, too. I want to up my exercise minutes.

Here's to hoping today we all have good days! In the general sense and not just the health and weight loss sense. =)

Remembering

2011-05-04T18:20:00.000-04:00

I found some old clothing of mine today, mostly from middle school and early high school. I put some of them on.

All the skirts, but the size 14, fit. These weren't junior's clothing, they were all from the misses' sections. I was wearing a size 16 skirt/jean when I was 13. I'm wearing a size 16 skirt/jean now, if these sizes are still relevant, at almost 21 years old. A shirt I remember wearing in the summer a lot when I was 12 is a bit big on me right now. Short, but loose. I found a wonderful top I haven't been able to wear for years. Again, it came out of the women's section and not the junior's section.

My prom dress fits me better now than it did when I was 17, at my heaviest. It was tight, super unflattering (and made of a horrifying material that made it worse), and barely zipped. I got it on, zipped up without a single problem, and it's loose on the top.

Looking through all of this reminded me of BEING 13 or 14, starting high school. I hated the way I looked, not because I actually hated it, but because I was told that I should. My mother constantly called me fat, sloppy, telling me I needed to go on a diet. I remember one day, the summer before high school started, she handed me a slip of paper. The writing was in Portuguese and in that cursive slant only my aunt could have written. My mother told me this was a diet one of my cousins had tried and it had worked for her. That she had lost 30lbs! It consisted of a single meal plan for one day that I would do every single day until I lost my desired weight, along with some exercise recommendations.

I remember exactly what the menu looked like. I remember exactly what was in it. How could I forget? I remember feeling absolutely horrified. Here I was, nearly 200lbs at age almost 14, and my mother was showing me a diet. Another reminder that I was fat and I wasn't supposed to be alright with that. I was already dealing with a heavily out of control bi-polar disorder and panic disorder. And now my mother was reminding me I was fat. Another reason to dislike myself. I remember not giving a crap what I weighed as long as I got my emotions under control.

My temper was crazy. I yelled and hit people and broke things all the time at the drop of a hat. I was constantly going through mood swings. Up down up down up. I was starting to have panic attacks CONSTANTLY with no trigger needed. All of a sudden, they would hit for no reason. Therapy had failed me, me being too private and secretive to allow it to works. Prescription drugs had made the situation ten times worse. So I was battling this completely alone. Completely.

I was such a miserable child.

And here was this slip of paper to remind me that I had another reason to be miserable. And here's whaty the menu consisted of:

Breakfast- 2 slices whole wheat toast, 1 cup of green tea
Snack- 1 apple, 1 cup of green tea
Lunch- 2oz sardines, 1 slice of whole wheat toast, 1 cup of green tea
Snack2- 2 apples, 1 cup of green tea
Dinner- 4oz sardines, 1 small salad (iceburg lettuce), 1 tomato (raw or boiled), 2 slices whole weat toast, 1 cup of green tea
Snack 3- 1 cup of green tea, 1 slice of toast

The exercise recommended? Three miles walking a day. That was the only part of this whole regimen I had no issues with, that and the emphasis on drinking green tea and water.

This was a starvation diet. My mother wanted me to go on a starvation diet. WHO, tell me, WHO can support themselves on that kind of diet, day in and day out, (without a preexisting medical condition that requires them to need a diet that restrictive) and do exercise and be HEALTHY? I can't think of anyone. My guesstimate is that this menu falls at somewhere between 700-1000 calories. A day. With three miles of walking daily. With little protein (yes, there's 6oz of fish, but none of the snacks or breakfast had protein.) And what seems like an overdose of carbs in comparison. It was insane!

And that cousin? She unfortunately gained back all of her weight, and then some (almost double). I felt so bad for her. She had tried so hard, doing what her mother insisted she do, and then have it succeed...but once she stopped her diet, went back to potato chips and fried potatoes and friend meats and meats covered in sauces made of oil (yes, we do that) and vinegar... There was no way.

I didn't even try the diet. I didn't even pretend to. I told my mother she was insane and this was going to do more harm than good. She couldn't undersyand. This was more than she ate in a day, after all! Then again...My mother's sickly. Very sickly. She'd do better to eat more. She'd heal. But she doesn't want to. But that misery is for another post, to be honest.

I'm in too much of a good mood to think about something that bleak.

I realized I'm not that miserable little girl anymore who used to lie in her room and cry because nothing made sense. I'm not the girl who couldn't control herself at all in any aspect of her life. The girl who couldn't go to school or leave the house, who could barely leave her room.

I'm 200lbs. About the same weight I was when I was 13 years old. The same size I was back then. But not the same person.

Update

2011-04-30T11:54:00.000-04:00

I had this whole spiel I was going to write about that was supposed to be great and nice and all of that. But halfway through typing it out, I got bored with it and said no one wants to read this drabble.

So, I'll just give some updates:

-I'm not sick anymore. Yay!
-Came in at 200lbs this morning. Which means not only did the loss from last week stick, I lost another pound. Double yay!
-I've been walking a bit more (or trying to push myself to walk more at any rate).

So, I also took my measurements this morning. I'm actually quite obsessive about keeping on top of my measurements because of clothing, so I tend to measure ...too often for my own good. Ahaha.

Old measurements from the 10th of this month:
Bust: 39" (99cm)
Waist: 36" (92cm)
Hips: 45.5" (116cm)

Measurements from this morning:
Bust: 38" (97cm)
Waist: 35.5" (90cm)
Hips: 45" (114cm)

The fact I lost an inch off my bust, and half an inch off my waist and hips in TWENTY DAYS is...just amazing to me. I'm getting so much smaller than my scale numbers are reflecting. I got a pair of size 14 jeans up onto my hips. I couldn't come close to buttoning them or zipping them up. But they got onto my HIPS. My gigantic hips! I have to dig around for some old pairs of 15's and 16's I have and see if they fit/how close they are to fitting.

A shirt I got sometime last summer doesn't fit anymore. Not really, anyhow. It hangs off me in THE MOST unflattering way you could imagine. My workout shirts (Which are very cute and I wear as regular clothing when it's too warm out) are getting a bit big, too!

Uuugh

2011-04-24T09:06:00.000-04:00

No, I did not elaborate after last week's post. And yes, I am posting late (Happy Easter, to everyone who celebrates it!). I am not posting late because I forgot or was sad or anything of the sort. Actually, I'm really sick. Really, really sick. I did little more than piddle around and be sad and sleepy yesterday.

Which is why I hesitate to be too happy about my weight today. 201lbs. I'm pretty sure this is due to the fact I've barely ate since Wednesday, though some days I'm sure I ate enough for two people, so maybe it balanced it out. Clearly I'm feeling better today, at least a bit. Because I'm posting! Hopefully the weight sticks. If not, I;'ll be okay.

2011-04-15T17:07:00.001-04:00

Scale said 203 this morning. Posting from my cell. Will elaborate when I get home!

2011-04-10T19:06:00.000-04:00

So I'm a bit late on the updating front. I did weigh in and came out to 204lbs this week. That means I lost one pound from last week's gain. I haven't really done much in the way of exercising so I haven't really updated my fitness. I did, however take some new measurements.

Bust: 39" (99cm)
Waist: 36" (92cm)
Hips: 45.5" (116cm)

I have lost a LOT in size! Holy crud! When did that all even happen? An inch off my bust, two off my waist, THREE AND A HALF off my hips! That is...phenomenal! Wonderful! I feel so great about this! So much more than that number, 204.

My first real 'win' will be to see myself at 199lbs again, as I haven't been under 200lbs in two years. After that, it will be to see 192lbs, specifically. As this was my lowest weight reached last time. After that, I want to see myself at under 175lbs.

175lbs. Why this number? Because I remembered that the last time I weighed this much, and that I knew I weighed this much...was in middle school. I was 12 years old and I was heavier than my 17 year old brother who's 5'10'' and was very, very active at the time. His pants were too small for me. I weighed more than a teenaged boy when I was 12.

The day I found out how much he weighed and how much I weighed (he was in the 150's) in comparison to him... I cried. I went off to my bedroom and cried because I was SO GODDAMN FAT. I was just so fat.

I haven't been in the 170's since. But I didn't go down, I just went up. All the way to 230lbs (or higher...).

That same brother still weighs less than me. He weighs in the 190's now. He's a muscular man, from going to the gym and working out. While he is a bit on the heavier side, he's still very healthy.

And I want to weigh less than him. Very soon. And I will.

He doesn't know any of this. He never has. He doesn't know I've been comparing myself to him all these years, thinking, "How can I weigh more than him? How?" Even when he was 'fat', he still weighed less than me. Every time. I don't want to be my version of fat anymore.

And I just want to be healthier.

Weigh in April 2, 2011

2011-04-02T12:00:00.000-04:00

So I came in at 205lbs today, which makes a gain of 2lbs from last week. I'm not going to pretend it had nothing to do with my Saturday outing to work, my Sunday outing to the Indian buffet, Monday's late night trip to McDonald's, or Wednesday's midnight run to McDonald's.

Or yesterday's outing at Pizza Hut.

I didn't binge, it's not about that. It's about eating too much already prepared food. Eating junk. I feel gross, too. I don't feel heavier, but my stomach's been bothering me (too much grease) and I've had a lot more headaches than normal.

On the bright side, I bought a food scale last night. FINALLY. I'm tired of counting out and guesstimating what I'm eating. I can finally see exactly how many ounces and grams. Yay!

Yes!

2011-03-27T19:30:00.000-04:00

I was finally able to fully finish the 20 minute express workout by Zumba! I was really not feeling it anymore about five minutes before it ended, but I just kept telling myself, "There's only five minutes left! REALLY?" And then I checked my heart rate monitor. Seeing such a high number of calories burned sure did make things a little easier!

As you may have noticed, I added an exercise log to the side of my blog, listing when I exercise, how long, the activity, and how many calories my HRM says I burned. I'm currently aiming for 500 fitness minutes a month, but I hope to increase that by 100 by the end of April, so that in my May, my goal will be 600 minutes. In July, I want it to be 700. September will be 900, and then in November will be my cap at 1000 minutes per month. This is the schedule I'll follow if I can MEET the new minimum. If not, I'll stay with whatever the current is until I can meet it and then start upping it. I'll touch back on this by the end of April!

It's amazing how great I feel now that I exercise. It's wonderful to feel sore and have it not be because my body doesn't know what's going on, but to have it be because I was working out and doing something good for myself.

I also thought I could start taking pictures of what I eat (that aren't meal bars or shakes) to get a better perspective of what I'm putting in my body. Journaling is great, but I'm a really visual person, so I'm hoping the pictures will help. I'll post them here, with a description of what's on my plate, Starting with ...TODAY!

Breakfast was some kind of sausage egg sandwich from Dunkin' Donuts. My brother got it for me and no one else would eat it, so I figured I would. I can't really say no to a bagel. I also had 20 lightly salted almonds and a cup of green + white tea.

This is a snack I had after getting home from lunch and market shopping. No pictures of lunch. I forgot! But it's a pepperjack cheese stick, 25 honey roasted peanuts, and a cup of strawberries (more or less).

Weigh In

2011-03-26T09:23:00.000-04:00

So, I weighed in this morning. It came out to 203lbs. Another pound off of me and never to be seen again! I never thought I'd do this well again. I never thought I'd see the 190's THIS CLOSE to me again. I thought I'd be juggling those ten pounds forever. That my body didn't want me to be any smaller again.

I've got three pounds to lose before I'm at 200lbs. And then from there, it's all 190's. The 180's will be new for me, very new. I haven't weighed 180 since either the beginning of high school or even the end of middle school. The 190's are so close again that I can taaste them. And they taste like yogurt.

Today, I'm going to be going to my place of work. But not for work. I'm going to be meeting a friend there and we're having a late lunch together. I haven't seen this friend since high school, and I've lost quite a bit of weight since then, about 20-30lbs. I'm a lot smaller than I was when I was a senior in high school.

Last night, something a little bit wonderful happened. I was eating dinner with my parents, which rarely happens. Since they celebrate Lent, and I don't, we usually can't agree what to eat on Fridays, so I don't tend to eat with them. Dad brought homw some amazing fish, though, and I just HAD to sit and eat with them. And it was amazing. But that isn't the wonderful part. The kitchen table is squeezed between a wall and the oven, so whoever sits by the oven generally can;'t sit out too far or no one will be able to get past them. My dad was sitting in that chair and I was sitting next to him. I got up to go move past him, behind the chair he was sitting in, and go to the other end of the kitchen. He started to move, but I told him he didn't have to, joking that I knew I was fat, but I wasn't THAT fat. And he said, "No, you're not anymore. You've been losing weight and you look smaller than you did a little while ago." My dad NEVER notices these things. But he noticed with me. I've apparently gotten so noticeably smaller to my own dad, Mr. Oblivious, that he noticed!

It really made me feel like I'm doing things the right way for my body and that I'm finally getting my act together when it comes to losing weight and inches and becoming a healthier person. Speaking of losing inches. Here are my measurement as of this morning:

Bust: 40"
Waist: 38"
Hips: 49"

I'm going to measure myself at the end of each month from now on, especially since starting Zumba. I want to see how much size I can lose,along with weight.

I'll post again soon! It's time for breakfast, then some Zumba and a shower before going to eet up with my friend. Wish me luck in picking something to eat that won't ruin me entirely.

2011-03-23T19:27:00.001-04:00

So, today I did some Zumba workout when I got home from work. I only did it for 20 minutes, but I burned about 234 calories... And I'm still in the 'learning the moves' portion!

Tried Zumba

2011-03-22T22:40:00.001-04:00

Holy crap! just finished trying out Zumba. THAT KICKED MY BUTT! I only did the basic steps for tonight, since it's late and I have work tomorrow. If I'm not feeling too poopy when I get home from work, I'll definitely try out some of the real routines on the DVD.

On Time!

2011-03-19T12:19:00.000-04:00

So, this week I'm on time with my update! And I'm happy to report that I've lost half a pound. I came in at 204lbs this morning! I never thought I'd see those numbers again. I'd been fluctuating between 206-215lbs for almost a year now and didn't think I'd ever actually really lose any weight. It's just so rewarding to know that I've finally buckled down and started working that much harder at this and that I'm actually getting somewhere again. I hope I can get to the 190's by the time Mik's birthday rolls around.

My post last week was a bit haphazard, but I was just SO excited, that I couldn't think of anything other than SQUEE to say. This week, I've gotten into the groove of making a normal, coherent post again.

So, I notice my weight loss not so much in the numbers, but more in the way I walk. All of a sudden, I just FELT smaller. I knew I had to have lost some weight. That was when I found out I'd dropped to 204.5. Now I'm starting to notice it in my clothing. I had been a size 8 in panties, sometimes squeezing into a 7, for so long that I didn't think I'd ever be able to think of my being able to fit into anything else. I took a chance and bought some size 7 panties for the first time in a long time. Not only do they fit comfortably, they're a tad loose! I won't be moving down to a size 6 anytime soon, just because the difference in sizes is pretty big, but I hope that I can start looking at those within the next few months.

Another awesome thing when it comes to my clothing size is that I used to be in a 40-42 band bra. This made it VERY difficult for me to find bras on account of being a B cup. The few times I could find a 40 band in a B, it was either such poor quality and would break down in a month or so, or it was too damned expensive for me to even buy in the first place. I took a chance last night and bought two 38 band bras. I figured if they didn't fit, I could just buy an extender for them temporarily. Not necessary! They fit fantastically! Maybe now I'll be able to buy new bras as they start to fall apart instead of well after they're fallen apart and aren't anywhere near comfortable anymore.

Also, I've moved down into an 18 pant from 20/22. 18's feel great. They feel amazing. The 20's are too large now, too uncomfortable and not anywhere near what fits me anymore. In some brands, the 18's are way too big! I hope I can move down into a 16 by the time my 21st birthday rolls around in a few months.

In my lolita wardrobe, I have some updates, too! A few months ago, I made a purchase from Bodyline. Of the six things I bought, only two fit. I bought an OP, a skirt, a blouse, a pair of shoes, a pair of bloomers, and a pair of socks. The shoes and blouse were all that fit. THe skirt is still too small. I knew it was going to be for a long time when I bought it, but it was a fast selling item and I wanted it NOW. The OP...Well, it almost fits! I can get it more than halfway zipped up now, which is an improvement over not at all. The socks fit, uncomfortably. The bloomers fit, also uncomfortably. Hopefully, the OP and bloomers will fit very soon! And the socks, that would be awesome.

I'm going to be playing DDR again today, more than likely, after I pick up Mik from work. I played a round of it back on Tuesday. I haven't been playing THAT much DDR, but it's a lot more than I had been just a few weeks ago. I'm sure it's helping a lot.

Now, one of the things I'm sure is helping is that I eat breakfast and lunch now on the days that I work. The only way I can manage this, though, is to buy meal replacement bars and shakes. The shakes for morning, since I can't handle solid food before 10AM or I'll throw up. The bars for lunch, since I can eat them in less than a minute and then get back to work. I don't get breaks, so this is all I can manage. But it keeps me from stuffing my face with everything I see when I get home, and even sometimes before I get home. Sometimes I would just be too hungry and start eating things at work. Not a good idea! Using these things has nothing to do with my want to lose weight. Even at goal weight, as long as it's a day I'm working and I'm working day shift, I'll continue using these bars and shakes. I don't use them on my days off (like today! I had sandwiches! Mmmn. Sandwiches).

I'm still using my journal and keeping track of what I'm eating. I'm going to start keeping track of any exercise I do and all the walking I do. I walked four miles this week! To work every time, but still! Very exciting.

Tomorrow, I'm going to Ayur Shri, a local Indian restaurant, for their buffet. Mmn! I'll probably and go pick up my reward for losing weight after lunch, too. A Victoria's Secret or Bath and Body Works purchase (with a limit of $40. I'm not made of money). I can't wait! Great food, great scents, and a nice time hanging out with my roommate, even if she is bored out of her skull.

Another update to come, at the latest, next Saturday!

Oops!

2011-03-14T17:47:00.000-04:00

Two days late, but here I am. I played three rounds of DDR on Saturday. Three! THREE! When was the last time I did that? A long, long time ago.

Sunday was uneventful, I worked. It was a job. Ahaha. I stayed in bed all day after work because I hurt so badly.

I did weigh in today, a bit late, but yes. I came in at...wait for iiiit...

204.5

YES. I lost a pound and a half! A POUND AND A HALF! I'm under the 205 mark! I'm so happy!

I hope to play more DDR tomorrow, on my day off.

Twice in a row!

2011-03-05T14:30:00.000-05:00

Well, here we go. I posted last week and I'm posting again this week! I came in at 206lbs, which is half a pound down from last week. Not much of a change, but it's down and not up.

I'm trying really hard not to just comfort eat. I hope I don't give into that this week. One of my snakes died last night and we're not entirely sure why, seeing as the other one is completely fine. Nonetheless, it's really depressing. We've had them for two years now.

I totaled four and a quarter miles walked today to and from work. It would have been five had I actually walked the whole way to work the other day, but my sister saw me walking and picked me up.

Slowly getting some room in the living room, so hopefully we can get a Gazelle and get it all nice and set up. Then I won't really have to worry so much about exercise.

So, counting calories doesn't really work for me, it seems. It just ends up depressing me because when I meet my calories goals, I don't meet my nutritional goals in other ways. When I meet those, I either go way under or way over my calories and then I just get discouraged. I'm continuing to journal, not noting any of these things, just putting down what I'm eating, how much, and how often I eat. This is working pretty well. I noticed I drink a bit too much soda, so I cut that down with some tea and flavored waters. I noticed I wasn't getting enough fruits or vegetables, so I started sneaking them in. Also, I've been eating WAY too much meat! So I started cutting down on that. When I just look at calories or nutrients by themselves, I don't care what it is I'm eating, as long as I meet those numbers. And that just doesn't work for me. It's why I yo-yo'd so much, I think, these past few months. And since I am an emotional eater and I have slight issues with binging and overeating, that wasn't at all good for me.

I've been sprucing up my room lately, so hopefully I'll have room to put my desk in soon. I might just break down and buy a new desk, though, since that one's so monstrously huge and I can't quite find the hardware for it., It's all in a labeled bag in the storage room, but...the storage room's a bit unorganized. Plus, as stated, that desk is just too big for my room. What I'm likely going to end up doing is buying a very small computer workstation and then buying a crafting table. That way I won't have room to collect cups of any sort on my desk and my crafting supplies will have a place and a home. I also need a smaller bed. This is all likely going to be bought before I fork over the cash for a new bike. I was going to get a bike instead of a car for now since work isn't that far away and neither is anything else I'd like to get to during the day when dad's at work. However, it's all farther than I'd like to walk. Walking just takes so long! It's not that it's tiring, it just takes forever for me to get to my destination.

Anyhoo, I will make sure I come back next Saturday, at the least, and give an update on my weight.

Here are my updated measurements:
Bust 41inch
Waist 40.5inch
Hip 49inch

The numbers went up a bit since my last measurements posted, I'm sure, but they're lower than the last time I took them myself, which was about half a month to a month ago. What's weird is that my waist and bust are starting to become the same size! How did that happen? Anyway, at least my hips are going down in size, which is the hardest part of me to fit.

Gosh...

2011-02-26T16:15:00.000-05:00

Things have been tiring lately. Really tiring. I haven't posted in so long due to the fact that, well, I got ate by my job.

My hours doubled recently and I've been working my butt off, constantly. Add to that a few health problems flaring up, and I've just been too tired to post much. Or at all.

My eating habits have been sporadic at best, thanks to getting up too early, getting home too late, and having a bunch of other things to do once I get home. I also get no break at work, so I don't have any chance to eat during my work day.

I haven't been to the gym, even though I went and bought new gym pants. It's not so much I'm too tired, but I have issues with joint pain. Very severe joint paint issues. I end up crippled in bed after a 10+ hour work day. I'm not in much of a mood to even get up and go eat much less get up and go to the gym.

Despite all this, I did weigh myself this morning and I'm not nearly as heavy as I would have expected. I came in at 206.5lbs today. Sure, that's not much progress from my last post or even the posts before that, but it is some progress in quotes. Hopefully now that I'm feeling better (some new shoes plus some very expensive insoles have been cutting down the pain in my hips and knees), I can get my butt to the gym more often. If not, then I think I'm going to be investing in one of those home elliptical machines for various reasons. Maybe a Gazelle. They're inexpensive and they work the same way. Plus, then I can park myself in front of the TV and watch cartoons while I exercise. That sounds pretty good. And if I get too tired/feel too much pain, I can just fall back into the couch.

This actually sounds like a pretty good idea. I think I may be doing this as soon as I can find room in the living room and get myself $100.

I'm hoping to start posting more frequently now that I've told my boss I refuse to take any extra days on top of my normal schedule (which is already close to 40 hours as is) anymore. They were just wrecking my body. Overtime isn't worth it when I can't even get out of bed after I get home and all I do is curl up and cry.

On a good note, all this work means I should qualify for insurance through my employer soon. That means I can go and get this pain thing checked out and figured out. Hopefully it's nothing too serious and it's something I can get taken care of pretty easily.

I have been keeping a food journal, on paper, despite not logging into my Spark People very often or logging onto this blog. While I haven't really been keeping track of calories, I have been keeping track of exactly what I eat and making sure I start eating more vegetarian meals (I eat too much meat) and fewer sauces. Fruit has also become my main snack over Yan Yan (these cookie biscuit sticks you dip into flavored cream).

Confession Time

2010-11-16T20:10:00.000-05:00

It's been quiet around here lately. Why is that? Because I kind of suck a lot.

so yeah, not the best way to start off the first post in almost a month. And not a great way to get the positive feelings going. But here's a series of confessions for you:
-I haven't been to the gym since I last posted, I don't think.
-I haven't been eating so great since I last posted, I don't think.
-I haven't been feeling so great.
-I'm sure I've gained weight.

I haven't gotten to the gym thanks to a series of excuses; I'm tired, I don't feel like it, I'm exhausted, I worked today, I work tomorrow, I work early, I haven't slept, I can't find my pants (but in truth, I never looked for them, either). I haven't eaten very well...much for those same excuses, just nix the pants part.

I've been depressed partially because of the lack of exercise and care for my health, partially because I've been in a lot of pain (see that whole lack of gym visits part), partially because of work and partially because I have problems controlling my emotions.

It just seems like everything's gone wrong lately and that I can't doa nything to get it back on track. Tomorow after work though, I'm going to look for my pants. And I'm going to the gym.

Today, I'll wallow. I'll do whatever it is that I think I need to make myself feel better. Frankly, if I started today, I think I might break down. But sulking will happen for the rest of the night and tomorrow I'll wake up and realize, yeah, sure, I can do something about this. I just need to actually try doing something about it.

2010-10-24T16:54:00.000-04:00

I haven't weighed myself because my scale is completely borked. It tells me a different weight every time I go onto it, even within the same five minutes. Once second I'll have gained ten pounds, the next, because I put on a jacket, I'll have lost fifteen pounds. The poor thing is borked to all hell. It's high time we replaced it, and hopefully we will soon.

In other news, I've made it to 50 minutes on the elliptical trainer. I'm going to cap it out at an hour. I haven't done so much on the spin bike lately because I've been focusing on strength training and elliptical work. I might go for the treadmill soon, I likely won't. I guess we'll see what happens when/if I get bored of the ellipitcal trainer and weights. I'll likely go back to the spin bike as a warm up and cool down exercise more than anything after I've gotten up to my house on the elliptical.

2010-10-18T20:35:00.000-04:00

So, I didn't post any measurements at the end of September, or August...or July. This is going to be since June and this covers October's measurements. I'll try to get my measurments done around this time next month, too.
Bust: 42
Natural Waist: 38.5
Hips: 49

That means I've lost two inches off my bust, two and a half inches off my waist, and three inches off my hips.

I think that's pretty great! Yes, I had other measurements I was tracking, too, but these are the ones that matter the most to me. I'll post the others when I feel like posting them. Ahaha.

2010-10-15T13:57:00.000-04:00

So I weighed in today for the first time in two weeks or so. I'm in at 208.5, which is a gain of 0.5lbs. I'm not upset about this for a few reasons, one of them being that's not a bad gain after two weeks of not watching my weight. Another one being I've been going to the gym almost every day lately, so it's likely to be a little muscle gain. If it isn't, then it'll come off pretty quickly, I'm sure.

Again, it's just such a tiny gain that I can't really be mad about it. Hopefully, I can keep going down from here on out, seeing as I've been going to the gym and trying to be careful how I eat. Admittably, I do have eating issues where when I'm upset, I don't care what I eat, I just eat. I need to work on that,a lot, before I can really fix all my weight issues and I know it. Hopefully, I can get that done and over with soon.

2010-10-10T20:55:00.000-04:00

So I finally got off my big butt and joined the gym the other day. I went for the first time with my roommate last night after she got off work. We spent the whole time in the women's room, which was small, well lit, comfortable, had a TV you could actually hear, and had the two machines I really cared about and the one she cared about. It also had some weights, but neither of us are getting into that quite so soon.

It felt pretty good to finally get some good, solid exercise in. I did a half hour on the spin bike and about ten minutes on the elliptical machine. I don't thinkt hat's so bad for my first real journey into the gym in a few years. I'm going again tonight after I pick Mik up from work and we're going to do maybe the same, if not a little bit more, this time around. I think I'll start with the elliptical machine this time and end with the bike. If I'm not too tired after this (hopefully, an hour of work), I'll go out into the main room and see if I can get my butt onto a treadmill. I doubt this will happen so soon, but I'm trying to set little mini goals for myself. My first mini goal is to be able to do half an hour on both the ellptical machine and the spin bike. I then want to add a half hour on the treadmill. Once I get this done, I might add that other, more complicated looking elliptical machine to the routine, depending on how much of a workout I'm getting from the three other machines.

This is going to take a while to work up to and I know it. And I don't want to just being doing workouts that aren't doing much for me, either. I want to build up to be able to handle higher resistance and angles on the machines so that the workouts, though they'll stay at half an hour per machine, will be good and intensive. At the same time, I'm not going to work myself to death. I stretch before hand, and I always make sure to stop before I get too tired or exhausted. I know my limits so far. Hopefully I can increase them.

And hopefully this means when I weigh in this Friday (currently weighing in on Fridays because of my work schedule), I'll have a loss to report, or at least a better feeling of fitness and wellness to report.

Once I get into better shape, I hope to join a spinning class and a yoga class at work. Right now, I want to work on stamina and getting my general fitness up before I add in the classes.

2010-10-07T22:13:00.000-04:00

So, I haven't weighed myself. Mostly because I never really got over what I was sick with. THe stomach thing went away, but then I got hit with a massive head cold. Whatever weight I have this week, I don't think I could entirely chalk up as being accurate, even if it were lower than my last weigh in. So, I'm just going to weigh in again next week, once all the sick has filtered its way out of my body.

2010-09-30T08:14:00.000-04:00

Oh my god I am so ungodly ill right now. I have to work a few hours today, but then I'm just going to come home and get back to sleep. I work a pretty long and assed shift tomorrow, so hopefully I'm feeling a lot better after resting a whole bunch today. I slept a lot yesterday, since they sent me home from work for pukuing my guts out, but I don't think it was quite enough. I can't call in because, I can't. They really need me. So, I'm gonna suffer through. I'm not in the pukey mood right now, so hopefully it stays that way. It's cold out and I'm not looking forward to walking there and home, but I'll just make the best of it.

2010-09-28T13:42:00.000-04:00

So I weighed myself yesterday, just to see where I was at. I was feeling much better, so I figured it was safe enough to try weighing myself, right? I guess it's a good thing I did, because I came in at 208lbs. That's a loss of a pound and a half from my last weigh in.

I finally have everyhting I need to start going to the gym- pants, two different tops, sneakers, a water bottle, and a new MP3 player (Vicious got lost while I decided I needed him no longer and he's hiding in my room somewhere). I need new headphones because the ones that were clearanced that I bought...suck. A lot. And the ones that came with the player suck. A lot. Anyway, I'm crocheting up a gym bag so I can put everything in my bag and take it with me to the gym. It should be done within the next few days and then I'll get me that membership. It'll be awesome.

2010-09-26T17:36:00.000-04:00

So, I didn't weigh in yesterday or today. I didn't forget, I'll be honest, I just didn't want to. I've been depressed for a few days and I knew if I didn't have anything other than a decent loss, it would make it a lot worse. I will certainly be posting my weigh in next week if I'm feeling up to it.

2010-09-17T12:29:00.000-04:00

So, this week's weigh-in is a day early mostly because I highly doubt I'm going to want to do much of anything tomorrow.

I weighed in at 209.5 today, which is awesome! That's a loss of a pound and a half.

I'm working until about one or two in the morning today, so I'm likely going to be practically dead tomorrow when I get home. Hopefully I can continue this good streak, though, and lose some more weight this coming week.

2010-09-15T11:32:00.000-04:00

I need a car. I know walking is good for me. I know that. But I'm not walking in the dark, I'm not working after a ten hour shift and I don't expect Mik to walk home from about ten miles away.

Hopefully after I get some bills paid off, I can buy a car and then I can save up for a house. Oh yeah, a house. Can't get that without the car, though. I doubt dad would continue to let me borrow his if I didn't live with him anymore.

2010-09-11T16:18:00.000-04:00

So, I weighed in today at 211lbs. That means I lost half a pound from last week. Not a lot to lose, but at least it's not a gain! And it's better than staying the same.

Went to an Indian restaurant today and it was awesome. It was half celebration for my getting a job, and half pre-concert meal for Mik and Nate. They went on without me because, well, I didn't want to go. Haha.

Anyway, my Bodyline order came in yesterday. Bodyline is a Japanese lolita company thats ells good to fantastic quality lolita clothing for decent prices. I got a pair of shoes, socks, a dress, bloomers, and a blouse. Mik got some breeches, a hat, and two blouses. And this is what we had to say:

Bodyline, why do you lie about your sizes? Mik ordered her breeches in the size that was slightly too big for her. The breeches are too tight, one of them unwearable until she loses a little bit of weight. The shoes I got, despite being in my size, were really tight. I'm going to try and break them in, but if that doesn't work, I'm going to sell them. The dress that was supposed to fit since the measurements matched up...doesn't. Can't quite zip that thing. The petticoat/underskirt it came with DOES fit, however. The socks NOT A CHANCE. If you have slightly bigger than average calves, their socks will not fit. Period. The bloomers would fit me if my hips weren't so huge. The blouses we got fit us perfectly.

So, there you go. If you order from Bodyline, keep that in mind. The clothing was all really good quality, the shoes look fantastic, and it was all actually a lot nicer in person than on the site.

2010-09-09T17:03:00.000-04:00

I cannot believe how exhausted I am from working. I've only worked two days this week so far and already clocked in sixteen hours, and I work again on Sunday for another eight hours. I am full time, so after my training is done, I'll be getting minimum of 35 hours a week (my manager told me he'd get me as close to 40 as he possibly could). Because I hurt so bad and I'm just so tired after work, though, I don't walk home. I call my dad and beg him to take me home. I do walk to work and I am on my feet literally the whole time, so I don't think this makes me lazy. Haha.

These days have entirely screwed up my eating schedule, though. I used to actually eat breakfast for a while. I quit entirely since I started working. Why? Because I've been waking up at 6AM to make it to work wide awake and dressed by 8AM. I can't eat that early in morning. In fact, my stomach doesn't accept the idea of eating until about 9am or 10am.

So. I am sitting here, eating the everloving crap out of a sandwich because I haven't had anything but tea and a Sierra Mist today. I am starving and broken, but completely happy to have a job.

On the Special K Challenge

2010-09-05T13:39:00.000-04:00

So, I started saying this in the comments, but it was getting out of hand. So here we go:

On the subject of the Special K challenge, it's you have two Special K meals (cereal, meal bar, etc) and one 'real' meal (IE- low calorie, healthy food. They have suggestions, I'm making my own). And then two healthy snakcs, they suggest their own of course. I'm planning on having cereal twice, because I need the calcium, for breakfast and for lunch. I was going to make my snacks either fruit, vegetables and hummus, or the crackers (maybe with hummus). My dinners were going to be whatever healthy fare I could scrounge up.

For as far as how I figure it works is: cereal is filling, and if you get the right kind of cereal, doesn't pack too many calories for the good nutrients. Because most of what you're eating is cereal, meal bars and protein waters, and then a healthy dinner, you end up losing weight. The cereal creats a huge calorie deficiency, which is good if you've been struggling to stay within your calorie limit and feeling full. You need a deficiency of 3,500 calories per week to lose one pound per week.

Of course, this isn't something you should do all the time. A lot of people use these kind of techniques and others as a jump start into a healthier lifestyle. Eating the cereal lets you get used to smaller portions without feeling hungry all the time, the protein waters and the bars do the same. This is something you can do without any kind of brand loyalty. Any healthy cereal you enjoy would work just fine instead of the Special K, and healthy granola or meal bars you enjoy could also replace theirs. I'm specifically doing this because I love the cereal personally and the snacks.

After the two weeks are up, your body's becomed used to eating that smaller amount of calories (hope you're tracking and making sure you're staying within your suggested limit, though~! Being under is a bad idea, jsut as much as being over), you can go back to eating more than just cereal for your other two meals a day. You need less to stay full and content and you can expand into other foods you enjoy.

I don't say thing from experience with this plan myself, I say thing from experience with how I've noticed other people losing weight, or just from what little I know about nutrition and how bodies work. I'm not an expert or anything, nor am I trained in any of this, but certain things have been tried and proven, and this is one of them. Again, this isn't something you should do allt he time, unless you really love cereal all that much or something.

2010-09-05T08:41:00.000-04:00

I'm thinking I should just move my weigh in day to Sunday, seeing as I always get too busy on Saturday to do much of anything in the online world.

Anyhow, I weighed in at 211.5 today. That's a gain of a pound and a half. THat's okay by mue. Weight fluctuations, mayb e I did something a little bit wrong that I shouldn't have, maybe I didn't walk enough, drink enough water. Etc. It's alright and I can get over it and do better this week.

Now that I have a job, the roommate and I were looking at gyms to join. We found a really fantastic one that is not only huge, offers lots of nice classes, is open all the time, has amazing equipment AND a really nice staff...But is super afforadable! So, once I get paid and I can afford some gym clothes and the membership fee, I'll be signing up and going!

My new job iiis..Line cook! Yep, I'm cooking for a living, at a real restaurant now. I'm really, really excited and so far I like most of the people there. I also like I'm allowed to dye my hair whatever color I want and get tattoos, something that wasn't allowed at my old job. I held off on dying my hair until I got a new job, just to make sure I could actually GET a job and to make sure it was alright with the company or the owner.

The place is within walking distance, so yep. You got it. I walk to work everyday. It's a mile there and a mile back, if I walk back. I won't be walking back after sunset and I won't be walking in the dead of winter, I hope.

Also, I was considering doing that Special K challenge thing. I'm not sure I'm expecting it to do much of anything for me, really. I don't have high hopes for it. But I do love the cereal and the bars, and I would like an excuse to eat that cereal all the time. My roommate said she'd chip in for the prices of everything if she could share the cereal; she loves it, too.

Tha's all from me!~

2010-08-31T18:17:00.001-04:00

I GOT A JOB.

2010-08-28T21:14:00.001-04:00

So, my roommate asked me what I'm planning on doing to help myself lose weight since I can't go to a gym right now. Of course she said this was aside from not shoveling all the food I see in front of me down my throat. Sure, that's helped, but there are also other things I've been doing.

Surprisingly, keeping up on the chores has made me feel like I'm doing something at least mildly active. I take care of two of the three stories of my household, so there's a lot of running up and down the stairs to do cleaning. Vaccuuming involves bringing the vaccuum up all three flights of stairs and then bringing it back down again, dusting involves the same, since I share a can with my dad. I'm basically running like around at least three times a week trying to get things done.

Other things? I've cut down my soda to one can/serving per day, MAX. I'm trying to make this three per week (max), but I love soda so this is difficult. Once I get through the caffeinated stuff, I'm going to make it strictly be non-caffeinated sodas. I don't drink diet, however, because the aspartame makes me a little whoogey, I've noticed. I will drink the diet sodas made with sucralose, though. The reason I'm sticking to non-caffeinated is because the caffeine in soda (and coffee) makes me horribly ill. Really. REally. Ill. My other drinks consist of flavored and plain water (sucralose preferred, but they don't have enough aspartame to set me off if they have the dreaded stuff), unsweetened and sweetened (with sucralose) teas, and decaf coffee sweetened with sucralose or creamer (I love those sugary sweet creamers, so that's a bunch of calories, but frankly I barely ever drink coffee, so I don't think this is a bad thing).

I've cut down on my friends foods to just light pan frying. French fries make me ill unless they're oven baked, and so do onion rings. My stomach's really become sensitive to oil and grease, so if I pump the amount into it that I used to, I end up nauseas. This is pretty helpful in making me stay away from the stuff.

My favorite flavored waters are:
Propel (only have had the berry flavor so far, but it's awesome...AND made with sucralose!)
Lipton Peach Green Tea (when fresh, it doesn't clump so much, but when it's not...uuugh. Also sucralose)
Lipton Green Tea (same)
Lipton Iced Tea (same)
Wyler's Light Ice Raspberry (Aspartame, but it tastes great despite that nasty sweetener.)
Wyler's Light Pink Lemonade (Asperame, etc.)
That one grapefruit one I can't find anymore. It was made with aspartame, but it tasted exactly like grapefruit juice! It was AWESOME. However, I couldn't drink it on an empty stomach. The only time I did, I ended up vomitting from the overdose of acid.

I did weigh in today, because it's a Saturday. I'm going to be weighing in every week and I WILL be posting here every Saturday. I know, I know. I say it all the time. I say a lot of pretty things all the time. But I've put reminders on my phone AND on my calender so that I won't forget.

My current weight?
210lbs EVEN.

Awesome! I've never been so happy to see 210 on the scale before. Why? Because I capped out around 215 when I was on that depressed binge of mine and seeing a 210 is fantastic. That's five pounds I no longer have and I hope soon that I can take another five pounds off.

2010-08-25T17:30:00.000-04:00

So, now that I'm feeling much better, I've also been doing much better! The chores are getting done, my eating has gotten better and I even started cooking dinner again. The roommate stopped bringing dinner home from work at my request, and also at her realization at how hideously bad the food there is and we've stopped eating fast food so much. I've made dinner for the past few days and I'm trying to figure out what to make tonight when she gets home from work.

As per suggestion, I haven't been weighing myself lately. I've just been trying to get everything under control. I did measure myself recently, though, because I was looknig at clothing on Bodyline. I need a blouse to go with the JSK I just recently finished. Though I really should have taken it in, because I initially made it a year ago. I just finished by putting trim on it.

My measurements are as follows: 44'' bust, 40'' waist, and 50'' hips. I lost an inch off my waist and my hips, which is pretty awesome! I can also fit in the larger sizes at Bodyline, which is also pretty awesome.

2010-08-19T15:52:00.001-04:00

Over a week. Why is that? Honestly, I'm surprised I even got out of bed today. Emotionally, I've been a complete and total wreck. My eating has been...interesting. Some days, I don't eat anything. Other days, all I eat are my comfort foods, but I don't go overboard. Yesterday, I happily ate everything and anything offered tome and it didn't make me physically feel any different before or after I ate any of it.

Yesterday involved me eating a few snack bags of..whatever N threw at me in the car. And then the trip to McDonald's where M bought me just about anything I wanted that could be afforded. And then I came home and had bread and peanut butter.

And today, I've had bread and peanut butter. Though I managed to stop at three slices of bread and two servings of the peanut butter. So, I guess that's a step in the right direction. Emotionally, I'm still wrecked. But I'm trying really hard to keep myself in check and not wreck up myself physically.

2010-08-10T14:14:00.000-04:00

Oh look at this. I was doing so well! Well, it couldn't really last, could it? Haha. No, really. I should work on keeping this up more often.

So, I did not weigh myself this week. I frankly kind of really forgot. I did weigh last week and came in at 214. Fantastic.

Really. Amazing.

Uh-huh.

I can attribute this to a few things. I've been eating a good amount of fast food lately, and I need to stop it. Also, my roommate has been bringing leftovers from work almost daily. She always brings a full portion that we share, so at least it's not a full portion I eat myself. Thank god, however, that they introduced a new under 500 cal per meal line. She says she'll be bringing that for us to share from now on. It's salmon with vegetables and it's delicious. To top it off, however, I haven't been doing any exercise aside from cleaning. Hopefully, this can change soon, since my top to bottom clean of the house is over. I'm just too exhausted mentally and physically to do much else after I've been cleaning that much.

Well, the game room is still a wreck, which means my cleaning isn't over. I need to clean that room, anyway, if I want to work out, so I guess it'll get done soon after I relax a bit from all of the cleaning and running up and down the stairs I've been doing thanks to do. Also, hopefully, I'll have a new job soon and that'll also get me off my butt all day.

Astrid's Recipe Corner 1

2010-07-29T18:03:00.001-04:00

So, I realized that I really like blogs that feature recipes that are either plain delicious, cheap, healthy...or all of the above!

I thought maybe I could have my own recipe corner of recipes that I think fall into all of those categories. Some of them start from prepackeged things because, frankly, those can be pretty cheap for a decent amount of nutritional value that won't plain kill you.

Today, we've got a two meals in one package.

I picked up a Knorr's Sides Plus a few months back, but never got around to making it. It's the brocolli rotini version with spinach and olive oil. I mainly picked this up for a few reasons. One- It was cheap. About a dollar and it has two heaping servings in it. Two- It has vegetables in it and not only that, it has SPINACH. And I love me some spinach. Three- The nutritional information was reasonable.

For example, here we go:
in one serving ( 3/4 of a cup) as prepared
Calories: 320
Total Fat: 3g
Sat Fat 0.5g
Cholesterol: 0
Sodium: 710mg
Carbs: 47g
Fiber: 4g
Sugar: 3g
Protein: 10g

Not bad for a prepackaged side, right? Well, it is a side. But I'm kind of poor and I see "One dollar for that package? Why! That's two meals! For fifty cents each!" And this made my day, of course.

But here's the thing. Is there any way to make it better? Sure there is.

So, I prepared the side according to package directions, including using the olive oil. Don't waste your good virgin or extra virgin olive oil on this! This is cooking with it and that oil you paid so much for will lose all of the subtle flavors that make it so expensive. Just go for your normal olive oil. It still tastes great, is still heart healthy, and is cheaper than the virgin and extra virgin oils.

I cut up two plum (roma) tomatoes and threw them in after seeding them. But what else? Well, add in a can of tuna! In water, not oil!

And what do you end up getting in the same serving?

Calories: 392
Total Fat: 3.5g
Sat Fat 0.5g
Cholesterol: 25mg
Sodium: 960mg
Carbs: 47g
Fiber: 4g
Sugar: 3g
Protein: 21g

For barely any extra calories, fat, and sodium, you get a lot more protein in one serving. And what do you do with the other serving?

Eat it later!

And trust me., it tastes awesome.

Don't like tomatoes? Add any other vegetable you like! Just make sure to give it ample time to cook in the boiling water BEFORE adding in the pasta, seasoning, and tuna. Don't like tuna? Add chunk chicken or turkey, salmon or crab. The nutritional information will change, of course, but it's hard to make this all that bad for you.

----

Liked it? Hated it? Want me to never post these again or keep posting one every week?

2010-07-29T15:29:00.000-04:00

What's this? A post before Saturday (or after that post is late)? Yes, really!

I walked today for about a half hour. That isn't a lot, I know, but it's a lot more than I have been walking lately. At least outside the setting of a mall, anyway. I walked my friend to the halfway point before her busstop. Maybe next time I'll actually make it the whole way there before knowuing I'll have to turn back. I just didn't want to wear myself out before I even got back home. I think next time I'll try and get to the three fourth's mark. She offers me lunch, which comes with an ice cold water, and that's incentive enough to walk in this heat for me! Plus, I like walking around with her. It reminds me of being back in Illinois when we had no car and had to walk everywhere.

I'm mostly just hoping I can keep this up, along with all of the DDR I've been playing, and that it'll start to make a difference. Of course, I'm also trying to watch my eating as much as possible. I won't lie and tell you I don't eat fast food or that I don't eat sweets. I do. I especially eat quite a bit of fast food because I don't have my own money at the moment and my friends buy me some food when we go out shopping or just hanging out. Of course, I try to make the best option possible of the cheapest options on the menu.

I'm hoping it's nice like this tomorrow. It wasn't too warm out and that's what has been stopping from walking too much lately. I'm afraid of getitng dizzy and passing out, as has happened to me before. If it's nice like this, then I'll definitely be walking downtown tomorrow with my roommate. We need to get her a monthly bus pass to make taking the bus to work cheaper for her. We were also going to look at the small stores downtown and check out the museums and see if any had cheap addmissions we could afford for another day.

This Saturday, if today was any indication, there should be a post from me! Hopefully we'll see a number under 213.

2010-07-26T13:12:00.000-04:00

Late again! Per usual.

I'm back up, and not only that, but I'm at 213lbs this week. I don't know what I managed to do here. I've been working out, I haven't been eating that badly, and I've not been sitting around all day. I don't know what it is I'm doing wrong or what I'm just plain not doing? I've been keeping up with my SparkPeople and everything. I haven't gone over on calories or fat or carbs or anything I can think of.

Maybe my body's just getting used to being taken care of right again. I'll keep think of it that way for a few more weeks and if nothing gets better, then I'm definitely going to have to change my approach. The thing is that I haven't felt any bigger lately, but instead have felt lighter and better about myself. I didn't take any measurements last week or this week because I plan on changing that to measurements every month.

On Saturday, I spent the day in Providence walking around for a few hours. It was pretty fun, getting to window shop in the Providence Place Mall. Maybe next time I go, I'll actually be able to buy something. I saw a beautiful tea set in the Teavana that I want for my parlour when I move into my own home. It was a gorgeous china teaset painted with light pink roses. It was a pot with four cups and matching saucers. So pretty! But it was $100. I'm fully willing to pay that much for my dream tea set! When I actually have the money.

I saw a lot of clothing I could modify into casual lolita clothing and I'm hoping to go back with some money and buy them. The modifications would be simple and really inexpensive and then I'd have quite a few cutsews in my wardrobe.

This weekend, on my roommate's day off, we plan on heading into the downtown and shopping around the small boutiques and shops there. When I say shopping, I mean looking around and not buying anything. There are few antique stores down there that specialize in Victorian antiques and I can't wait to look through them and get a better visualization of what I want for our house when we finally move. Hopefully I can get a job soon because that'll bring that house that much closer to me.

I hope I'll remember to post again in a few days, or at least post on time on Saturday with my, hopefully, updated lighter weight!

2010-07-20T09:43:00.000-04:00

Late again, per usual! I'm at 210 again, so another gain. This is no less irritating now than it was five months ago. The worst part is that I know I can lose this weight, as I've done it before. I also know I can lose this because I used to be heavier. But it doesn't seem to want to keep me at less than 210. I don't know what I'm doing wrong...

Yesterday, I hung out with a friend I hadn't seen since high school almost three years ago. We had a lot of fun, doing completely irrational things like going around the BJ's wholesale store and giggling in wonderment at all the food. I hadn't realized just how much I'd missed her until I spent time with her again.

The most unexpected part of the day, though, was that she commented on how good I looked now. I asked her what she meant by that, since I was confused. All I was wearing was a crappy pair of jeans and a tank top, so it couldn't be my clothing. She told me it was obvious I had lost a lot of weight and that frankly, I was pretty fat in high school (because, oh god, I was).

That made my week, along with a lot of other stuff that we ended up doing around town.

I know I can lose the rest of this weight. I know it. And I'll do it. I don't want to be fat anymore and I don't even want to be kind of fat. I want to lose this weight and I will.

And I think I'll try to make it more fun than I have up until now.

2010-07-13T19:19:00.000-04:00

So, I didn't update on time this week. Go figure!

It's not that I forgot, I just gave myself a lot of stuff to do. Way too much to do and it turned out that I ended up not updating my blog until a few days later.

So, where am I at?

208.5lbs. It's a loss, that's for sure. I'm still not keeping my hopes up until it becomes 205 or lower. This isn't me being too hard on myself, I just know my body and that it doesn't like to agree with me. I keep yo-yoing between 206-211 and it's starting to get a little disheartening. Hopefully, the walking I've been doing lately will help!

2010-07-04T14:03:00.000-04:00

Maybe it'd be easier to eat regularly if I weren't just so damned depressed all the time.

Alright then~

2010-07-03T21:26:00.000-04:00

I managed not to forget this week! Go me!

I don't think I've gotten very far in progressing with my exercise or my eating. My eating is so-so. I need to eat more than twice a day, which is my biggest problem. Sometimes I don't even manage that. It's mainly because my sleeping schedule is just so out of whack thanks to my being unemployed and not having much to do in the ways of needing to get up early.

I walked around a lot yesterday, though it hadn't been planned. We got locked on the other side of a mall from my car and I had to walk around the whole building to get back to it, because they wouldn't let us taking the normal exit that would have gotten us to just needing to walk to the back of the lot. Instead, I had to walk through the parking lots of about four or five major stores and the mall. It wasn't bad, as it was nice outside, but it was still irritating seeing as I hadn't really been wanting to do that. I prefer my walks to be during the day, too, and not in a dark parking lot. Of course, there were lights and I wasn't alone, but still.

I did pass by the door of an abandoned store there. THe doors, which apparently had been automatic at some point, were completely cracked. There was a glass awning right before them that had several major cracks, but no holes, in it and it was held up by these rusted out pillars. It had lights that I'm sure worked at one point. Of ten, only one wasn't smashed.

It makes my head turn and turn and turn. Hopefully I can make something of this. Hopefully.

Anyhow. Now to the important part, right?

I'm at 210. Which means I stayed exactly the same. I didn't lose anything, but I didn't gain, either. So all is good in my book for now. My measurements are also still exactly the same. Nothing exciting to report today, but also nothing depressing to report, either.

Until next time, guys!

Doh!

2010-06-29T20:38:00.000-04:00

I didn't forget, I swear! Okay. I did. But I didn't fall off the wagon. I did still weigh myself and all that good stuff.

I weighed in at 210 pounds last Saturday, which means I lost a pound from my previous weigh in! Hooray! I'm not convinced of this yet, as I tend to lose and gain the same few pounds over and over, so until I get under that precious 205 mark right now, I'm going to be vary wary of what my scale says.

I've been eating a lot better recently. I gave up eating the fries and have been eating a lot of rice and veggies lately. I've also been going crazy over this fat free yogurt at the market. It's really delicious and I can get it in a bunch of different flavors, which makes me really happy. It's La Yogurt and if you can get a hold of it, then go for it! I've been averaging about two of them a day, which is surprising for me.

It's been sooo hot lately, but I've been keeping up with my DDR playing. I'm unemployed, so currently I don't go to a gym. Until I get a job, I'm going to be sticking to things I can do in the comfort of my air conditioned game room, which means DDR and work out videos. At least I'm not just sitting around and doing nothing all day. Eating better helps, but I won't get far without moving around.

My measurements this week are as follows:
Waist: 41
Hips: 51
Thigh: 23
Upper Arm: 11
Ribcage: 39.5
Bust: 44

I guess I did measure correctly, as my waist is still where it was last week, and I lost half an inch on my hips. My bust also went down a little.

I'll make sure to update again soon on what I've been eating and doing to exercise, as long as it's interesting and all. I don't want to bore my one or two readers all that much.

Weigh in number one

2010-06-19T23:41:00.000-04:00

So. Saturday is my weigh in day. Which means I weighed in today.

I gained a pound and a half, which puts me at 211lbs.

yeah, I'm disappointed. But I'm not surprised, which is what makes it worse. I probably won't do much better next Saturday, considering I've been eating a lot of my comfort foods. Gravy fries and scones are very prevalent right now. I'm trying not to, but the hard part is actually stopping.

I'm bummed, but what can I do about it NOW other than just try harder tomorrow? Not much of anything. And I refuse to wallow.

My measurements are:
Waist:41
Hips: 51.5
Neck: 13
Thigh: 23
Calf: 16
Upper Arm: 11
Ribcage: 39.5
Bust: 45

Pretty much the same. But it seems I went down an inch in my waist? This doesn't seem right. I don't think I'm measuring properly.

Update on Brummel & Brown

2010-06-16T21:25:00.000-04:00

I posted before about how Brummel & Brown spreads are tasty and pretty low cal in comparison to a lot of other things you could be slathering all over bread. My one concern was that they were made with hydrogenated oils. Well, that's no longer a concern! Their ingredients lists currently no longer have hydrogenated oils in them! Once I get a job, I'm going to be buying a tub of the flavored and of the plain and replacing my normal spreads with them.

On the subject of putting things on toast, Peanut Butter & Co ( Http://www.ilovepeanutbutter.com ) release these fantastic flavored peanut butters. They're not full of really awful things and they're not that bad for you in moderation. And because the flavors are so intense, I have no problem settling for their single serving of 2 tbls. My favorites are the Dark Chocolate Dream and the Mighty Maple. Both go pretty great with apples and on toast. The Dark Chocolate is really fantastic on strawberries. Currently we get them on discount around my house because our local Ocean State Job Lot sells them for about $3 a pop. They're normally about $4 or $5 each. I also picked up some no sugar added preserves and jams to go with them.

Also, one of my favorite breakfasts (again speaking of toast!) is a fried egg, cooked over medium, spread over a piece of toast and then topped with another piece of toast. Pretty awesome, really! Especially if you put a slice or two of bacon in there. Very, very filling and satisfying.

This has got to end!

2010-06-16T21:20:00.000-04:00

It's been months, yet again, since I last posted in this damned blog! I have to stop neglecting this because when I neglect this blog, I neglect myself. I'm not holding myself accountable for anything at the moment because I just keep sitting around and waiting for it all to kick me into gear and for me to realize that I should do something. As if I didn't already know I have to DO SOMETHING.

I'll make myself post here at least once a week, but I'm going to try and aim for more. The more I do, the more I'll think about what it is I'm doing here and where I'm going. This will focus mainly on my trying to lose weight, but I'll also talk about other things in my life. Because ultimately, the others things that affect my mood end up affecting my ability to 'care' about losing weight. Hopefully, I won't stop caring ever again, at least not for longer than a period of a day, at any rate.

So. Current measurements and weight and BMI:
WEIGHT: 209.5
BMI: 38.3
MEASUREMENTS (in inches):
Waist:42
Hips: 51.5
Neck: 13
Thigh: 23
Calf: 16
Upper Arm: 11
Ribcage: 40
Bust: 45

List of goals and how I plan on rewarding myself:

WEIGHT GOALS (and rewards for reaching each)[Dates achieved]:

Get to 205lbs (Spend a whole day just playing sit down video games)[]
Get to 200lbs (Spend a whole day just drawing and or reading by myself)[]
Get to 195lbs (McDonald's Sundae, plain.)[] (I'm fully aware that I shouldn't reward myself with food, but I never get these and I figured the 150 calorie cup wouldn't fucking hurt me)
Get to 190lbs (DDR Mat)[]
Get to 185lbs (New Tarot deck)[]
Get to 180lbs (Samanosuke and Kaede)[]
Get to 175lbs (Buy a nice new sketchbook)[]
Get to 170lbs (Onimusha controller)[]
Get to 165lbs (Spend a whole day just playing Onimusha)[]
Get to 160lbs (no longer obese) (Bodyline Spree)[]
Get to 155lbs (New GBASP and some games)[]
Get to 150lbs (Avon spree)[]
Get to 145lbs (Bobobie purchase)[]
Get to 140lbs (new PS2 or Wii game or three CDs of choice)[]
Get to 135lbs(no longer overweight) (A small set of Prismacolor markers or pencils or pens)[]
Get to 130lbs (PSP)[]
Get to 125lbs (Angelic Pretty purchase through Celga)[]
Get to 120lbs (Iplehouse purchase)[]
Get to 115lbs (Dollmore purchase)[]
Get to 110lbs GOAL (QutieLand purchase)[]

I suck.

2009-10-28T12:58:00.000-04:00

I kind of forgot this blog existed, but I have still be posting things on my SparkPeople.

I did gain back all of the weight I lost, and then some, because I frankly fell off the wagon and stopped caring for a month or two. Various reasons (including my bi-polar disorder) got in the way of my caring anymore and I know that isn't good, but it happened and there isn't anything I can do to change that.

I'll just have to work a bit harder now.

I'll start posting more regularly, at least once a week, from now on. I hope. Haha.

BACK!

2009-07-19T13:19:00.000-04:00

I am back! REady again to start this. Because of various things in my life, things got out of hand and my healthy eating and such weren't on my priority list so much as staying sane was. But now that life is back to normal, I've decided to give this another go.

Especially since my legs are starting to bother me, a terrifying sign that I might end up like my mother and late grandmother later on in life, and that's not something I want to see happen to myself. My grandmother, before she died, was completely bedridden due to some pain she'd had in her legs that she'd suffered with for most of her life but finally got so bad that she couldn't get out of bed any longer. My mother's getting there. I don't want to be like that. I'm only 19!

So I'm making more of an effort to change things. Once I can land some health insurance, I'll go for a checkup, something that's sorely needed for me right now, but I just can't afford out of pocket. The joys of living on your own.

But hey, guys, I'm back.

Weigh in is Tuesday!

Confessions!

2009-04-22T11:04:00.000-04:00

I have a few confessions to make,some good and some not that great.

For the past week or so, I did fairly poorly. I got sick and wasn't sleeping very well at all, so I kind of said screw it to my eating and exercising. While I didn't do too horribly, I also didn't do great. Chinese takeout was kind of a staple and I ended up nibbling at work. The only exercising I did was walking to and from work,being at work,and walking to the store and then home.

In other news, I confess I've lost almost ten pounds from getting back on track and such. I'm at 196 now, instead of 203. We got a scale recently and we've decided to start weighing ourselves every week to help keep track of what we lose,or don't lose. I don't have any measurements right now, especially since I have to run off to work soon. I'll get them up this Thursday if there were any changes.

I started tracking on SparkPeople again seeing as I've gotten myself back to where I need to be. I'm starting to think more about what I eat too and planning ahead. I already have lunch figured out, packed up, and ready for me when I go on break at work.

Also, I must confess that ...

I don't like salads. I never have, I never will. I think they're bland,boring, and fairly disgusting.I don't like raw vegetables (except carrots and bell peppers) and I never thought the idea of shoving a bunch of raw vegetables together on a plate sounded good. Especially when you consider that the bulk of salads are made with either romaine or iceberg lettuces, which I find to be rather tasteless.Yes, I'm sure I could use darker greens...

But let's face it, people. Those are BITTER when left uncooked and aren't very pleasant to be eating. Don't get me wrong, I love cooked spinach and kale and other greens. But I don't want to be eating them raw. And while I guess I could make a cooked salad,I'm sure it would look very unappetizing,and the texture would probably be pretty horrible.

Nope. Nope. Salads just aren't for me. Unless we're talking a fruit salad. If so, then I'm all over that like frosting on a cake. I love fruit salads.

So, to anyone who thinks they have to force themselves to eat salads in order to be heathly, don't believe that. I mean, sure, salads (when done right) can be perfectly healthy meals or appetizers...but ONLY if you like them! If you don't, then you're just going to sabotage yourself. It'll make your plans just seem not worth it! I mean, who wants to torture themselves?

I know I don't. Which is why I've never believed in depriving yourself of foods and treats you like,as long as it's in moderation, and I've never believed in forcing foods you don't like on yourslef just because they're 'healthier'. Bah. Not worth it!

Just watch what you eat,how much you eat, and allow yourself a treat now and then, along with some exercise, and I'll think you're doing great. Of course, everyone's bodies are different, as are their tastes and minds. This is just what I've noticed works for me and my friends.

!!

2009-04-11T12:57:00.000-04:00

So, my roommate's being pretty awesome about my new food plans. She's joined in and is more than willing to eat the things I'd like to eat,especially since she wants to maintain her weight and she has problems doing so because of how her body is wired. She even joined SparkPeople and we're both keeping track of what we put in our mouths a lot more than we were before. It's shocking to see how things add up when you thought they were just trivial little add ons. I actually didn't even have my reward last night for doing my workout because I figured no amount of chocolate or ice cream,for any kind of work, is worth going over my calorie limit for the day.

I've had comments that I eat very lightly for breakfast and dinner, but have a fairly large (in comparison) lunch. Well, there's a few reasons for that. In the culture I come from, it's customary to eat very lightly for breakfast just to start the day. Then you have a big, filling lunch that will keep you full and working well. Dinner's light because it's usually served fairly late into the day and you don't need the energy nearly as much. Also, with where I work and the hours I work, it's not really in my best interest to eat a big breakfast. I never know when I'll get my break,and if it's early and it's a long work day, I'll be screwed over because I won't be hungry and I'll have to force myself to eat, which is never a good thing, just so I won'tget sick later on.

Dinner's usually light for me because I end up eating it an hour or two before bed.

Also, I have odd times for my meals.Breakfast is anywhere from 10am-12pm, lunch is from 1pm-3pm, and dinner's anywhere from 8pm-12am. Again, because of where and how I work, my meals are based around my schedule. I've fallen into the routine and it seems just as natural as eating at what is considered a more 'respectable' meal hour.

Before I moved out of my parents' house, I used to snack all the time,literally. I was usually eating something 'small' that wasn't a 'big deal'. Fact was, however, that I could usually tell myself that a huge sandwich was just a snack and that a bag of chips was just a little snack. Now that I've moved out and haveto manage my own money, snacks aren't bought nearly as often. They're just too expensive and not worth it. The only snacks we keep around now are 100cal packs and Light Laughing Cow cheese wedges. We also have applesauce and yogurts in the fridge. We're determined to buy and actually eat more fruit, too, as a snack.

On another note, I'm trying to wean myself off soda. I drink a lot of stuff in general because I become very dehydrated very easily, so I more or less HAVE to drink something two to three times every hour or two. If I don't, I'll have migrains and get faint and weak and nauseas. I used to be really sick in the beginning of high school because I didn't know that. Once I started drinking more, the headaches and the nausea started going away and I started feeling better.

But of course, that means I drink a LOT of soda. I can go through a twelve pack of cans in about three days if you let me. A two-liter bottle will only last about two days. It's not good for me and I know it, especially since I tend to drink only diet sodas and those are full of aspertame,which is fairly horrible for you (not calorie wise, but it's just bad stuff). I've made a decision to switch over to flavored waters and tea (yes, thewaters have aspertame too,but not in the same quantity as diet sodas). I'm also using sucralose to sweeten my tea and not aspertame or sugar.

That's all for now!

Plans and rewards

2009-04-08T21:54:00.000-04:00

I've decided to start using the workout mode on DDR to my advantage. On days I don't work, I'll reach my calories burned goal (150) on DDR three times in the day. Doesn't matter if I do this all throughout the day, or all at once. Just gotta do it. On days I work short hours, I'll play DDR twice. On average days, once. On my one long day a week, I get to sit and do nothing.

As a reward for following this, at the end of the day (except on that one long work day), I'll either eat two small pieces of chocolate (the ones that are already divided up but stuck together? Those.) or I'll have a hot cocoa. Whichever I'm more in the mood for. Sure, I know it kind of negates things, but it's a good start to getting me into good habits. I'm sure eventually I won't need the rewards as motivation for playing a game I like, anyway.

Meh...

2009-04-07T21:22:00.000-04:00

I ended up not snacking last night and just had dinner. It was fairly delicious; strip steak, grilled, and cut up into a whole wheat hotdog bun with some BBQ sauce. I had butter and garlic rice on the side. I'd say the total calorie amount for yesterday was about 1,900 or so. Not that fantastic...

Especially when you consider that I did a bad thing and had a late night snack of left over hot wings and the left over mac and cheese. =/

Today I did a little better. Barely.

I had one and a half bagels today; one half with that strawberry stuff,and one whole bagel with honey peanut butter. I also had a small bowl of Nestum, which is a wheat cereal that's made and sold primarily in Portugal. I had the original (honey) flavor. I might order some chocolate flavor on the internet soon. It's my favorite. Breakfast was likely around 600calories.

Lunch was fairly small. I had two mini slider burgers with cheese and a small amount of fries. I also had about half of a small mocha milk shake. Probably somewhere around 400 calories,considering how little I actually ended up eating of my lunch.

I had a snack after I got home and played DDR (burned about 160calories~). The snack was a few crackers with two wedges of laughing cow cheese. Total calories for that wasmaybe about 150 calories.

So far, the total is 1,150 or so. Not bad, but damned close to my limit. I'm having stir fry for dinner. It'llbe pretty good and will bring my total up to about 1,500calories.

Likely won't have any dessert.

I only drank water and Coke Zero. I don't like Coke, at all,but the fast food place I work at only offers Coke products. Sigh.

Mm...lunch!

2009-04-06T18:59:00.000-04:00

I got really hungry before break, so I ate a little cup portion of apples and grapes to tide me over. Which is a good thing, because I usually go overboard on break when I'm starving. I didn't have fish for lunch, though. I had a turkey sandwich on wheat bread with mayo, honey mustard, lettuce, and some cheese. No fries this time. I had applesauce. Drank iced tea with sugar, not sweetener, as I don't like the aftertaste. Going to guess 500 for this total.

Came home (walked) and I'm drinking some Life Water, the dragon fruit flavor. The whole bottle is about 125calories.

Breakfast plus lunch and this drink will total to 1,125 calories. Not bad, but I'm getting close to my limit. I think we're having stir fry for dinner. If not, we'll have something similar.

I'm tempted to eat the left over mac and cheese as a snack, but I think dinner will be soon. Thing is, though, I'm pretty hungry.

Maybe I'll just have that light cheese spread with a few crackers. That'd bring me up to about 1,200-1,250.

This spread is GREAT

2009-04-06T11:22:00.000-04:00

I was a little skeptical when Ome pointed out this strawberry fruit spread.I figured it'd just be flavored whipped cream cheese.

God, it is GOOD. It's Brummel & Brown Creamy Fruit Spread. It's actually got...fruit in it. It has hydrogenated oils, however, so watch out for that and don't eat too much of this stuff.

Lunch + dinner + today's breakfast

2009-04-06T11:13:00.000-04:00

I had Subway for lunch yesterday, with a cup of water. It was a turkey and pepperoni sub with a few other veggies and stuff thrown in.Gonna assume it was about 500-600 calories (it was a footlong). Hung out with my friends for a few hours after we had lunch (which was kind of late for me, considering I didn't get a break at work because I only worked a few hours).

Ome made dinner last night. Baked hot wings and some mac and cheese. I didn't really eat as much as I normally would have, considering I had actually ate during the day. Going to assume the amount I consumed was about 700 or so calories.

So, about 1,600 calories for the day yesterday. Not bad at all!

Today, I'm having two honey whole wheat bagels with fat free cream cheese and strawberry fruit spread and a handful of sweet petites baby carrots. Breakfast today is running along the lines of 400-500 calories. Going to say 500 for the sake of argument.

I might have fish for lunch today. I've been craving it and it's one of the healthiest things to eat at work. I'll update you guys later when I get home.

Leftovers breakfast

2009-04-05T11:13:00.001-04:00

Having breakfast now.It's leftovers from last night and a few nights ago. Half of a baked potato and then one mannicotti. Not too bad, I guess. Going to assume about 300 calories lie in this breakfast.

Maybe good?

2009-04-04T11:17:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, I didn't eat breakfast, but I did have a reasonable lunch at work,which was surprising.I had three turkey slices on a slice of wheat bread with a little mayo, some lettuce, and honey mustard. I also had a slice of toast with cream cheese. ANd a tiny amount of fries that came with the sandwich. For a mini-dessert, I had some candied walnuts. Drank Coke Zero all day.

For dinner, I went out to eat at a Chinese buffet,which means I did a lot of bad things and ate way too much. But I told myself to stop once I got fairly stuffed, even though I knew I could have ate more. I made sure to eat a lot of fruit as my dessert, and I also ate quite a bit of baked fish. So I kind of balanced it, even though I know that doesn't fully make up for all that I ate.

This morning, I'm actually having a real breakfast, which is fairly shocking, especially on my day off. I'm having two pieces of wheat toast with honey peanut butter and some more honey, four small rashers of bacon, and two fried eggs with cheese on them. I'll eat a lot lighter for lunch.We might have steak tonight, grilled.

Estimated calorie count for breakfast- 550-700.

Update:

We went to Walmart and got dinner supplies,and a little 150calorie portion of ice cream.I also drank half a Starbucks doubleshot thing. I'm assuming my halkf was about 150 calories,too. So I'm estimating 300 calories for that.

Dinner was great.Grilled steak with baked potatoes and some grilled salmon. And we had some laughing cow cheese on crackers before hand. I'm assuming the total calorie count for dinner was about 800calories.

Count for the day: 1,800. Not what I wanted, but not as badly as I usually eat.So hurrah for me.

Aaah ;-;

2009-04-02T22:42:00.000-04:00

Work was...not fun. But aside from that, today was pay day AND pay rent day.

I ate a bad breakfast of four absolutely gigantic chicken strips and a little cup of macaroni and cheese. Drank tea with it. Lunch was soon after and was a cup of apples and grapes. I didn't nibble at work much. I had a mini burger with cheese and a little mayo at some point and then after that I kind of started polishing off the cucumber slices we never use before they went icky.

Ome, my roommate, made dinner tonight, which was absolutely awesome and very appreciated. They were big mannicotti type things with riccotta cheese inside and herbs, smothered in garlic and onion tomato sauce. I had coke zero with it, since I brought it from work. She also made dessert, which consisted of English muffins with strawberryand caramel icecream and cool whip.

I got a ride to hobby Lobby this morning, which is across from work, but I walked from there to Walmartand then from Walmart to work. Didn't walk home, it was after dark.

No calorie count, but I'm guessing I went over. Probably in the 1,800-2,000 range right now for today. Week's, I'm estimating so far, is about ...too high. I'll start counting from today.

2

2009-04-02T01:02:00.000-04:00

Didn't eat well today, either. Sigh. Had the last of the breadsticks for lunch and then I slept for a few hours. Ome brought me a sandwich from McDonald's; a double cheese with onion and extra cheese.It was yummy. XD For dinner, I had a little bowl of cottage cheese, a wheat toast sandwich with low cal mayo, a slice of cheese and some panchetta. I had another sandwich with the same, except instead of panchetta, it had slices of Portuguese sausage. Drank some sweet tea all day. Had a white Russian before bed.

Measurements:
Bust - 43in.
Under bust/top of the ribcage-40in.
Natural waist- 44in
Largest part of my stomach- 49
Hips- 50
Thighs- 24 and a half
Arms- 11 and a half.

As you can see,no changes.

Aaagh~!

2009-03-31T20:32:00.000-04:00

Trust me, I didn't forget! I think I was just too ashamed to be posting what I've been eating lately. Because trust me, it's not that good. I work at a fast food restaurant,so my food options there aren't very good. I don't have a car, so it's not like I can just walk out during my break. And I don't have many packable items. I'm looking to change that once our Link (food stamps) comes in.

Today, I haven't ate much...of substance. I ate a small cup of chicken noodle soup, a small cup of cottage cheese, a cup of fruit (apples and grapes), and a serving of applesauce. Lots of soda all day. I nibbled on some fried chicken here and there during work. And now I'm eating left over pizza (homemade) and cheese bread sticks (homemade).

Not great, but not the worst I could be doing.

Measurements tomorrow.

Introductions and first measurements

2009-03-25T17:40:00.000-04:00

Hey. Some of you may or may not know me from some smaller art/writing/doll communities around the 'net. If you don't, trust me that I don't really care and I won't be offended. If you do, hey there! I wonder how that community's doing now?

This blog is so I can keep track of everything I eat and do during the day to help myself lose weight.This isn't so much for me to look fantastic so much as I want to stop feeling horrible about myself (both physically and emotionally) and so that I can reduce all my health risks. (I'm up to get diabetes, several different cancers including breast cancer, heart and lung problems, and joint problems.)

My name is Astrid B. Rune and I'm 18 years old right now, with a birthday in July,which means I'll be 19 in a few months. I write and sculpt and sew and draw. But aside from that, I can't say I have any good activities for myself. I wear a size 18/20 pants and skirt and I wear a large (if I'm lucky) to extra large shirt. I'm 5'2'' and I weigh about 200lbs last that I knew.

Here are my measurements:

Bust - 43inches
Under bust/top of the ribcage- 40 inches.
Natural waist- 44 inches.
Largest part of my stomach- 49 inches
Hips- 50 inches
Thighs- 24 and a half inches.
Arms- 11 and a half inches.

I work a job that I must walk there and back (unless I work past sundown or if it's bad weather out) and that equates to about a mile of walking. I stand mostly at work and I walk quite a bit while I'm at work and also do a lot of lifting and moving around. I don't do any exercise beyond that. Any other walking I do aside from that is done walking to the store or walking elsewhere.

I'm trying to keep to a 1,200-1,500 calorie diet with less processed foods and less junk food. Calories aren't my only concern here, but I know it's got to be a big part of my plan right now if I want to lose weight. The rest will come along.

I don't have a scale, so I can't weigh myself periodically. The only thing I can do is measure myself. When I can get myself on a scale, I'll give you any updates on my actual weight.

My current goal is to get my natural waist to 38 inches and the largest part of my stomach down to 40inches. After that,I'll come up with another goal to achieve so that I can keep going.

Every week I'll give new measurements, even if they haven't changed, I'll still post them. I'll also do a total for the week's calories and a recap of everything I've ate all week. It's not going to be easy for me because I work at a fast food restaurant and I don't have many good foods here at home to really be eating, but I'm going to try to eat better with what I have until I can go grocery shopping.

I'll post pictures of myself when I can.

The blog is set to allow all comments to be posted, so feel free to comment, no matter what it is you have to say. Just keep in mind that flaming me will not even get a response, so don't waste your typing-breath.