Anxiety

Tomorrow's weigh in and I admit, I'm feeling a bit nervous. I'm afraid of not losing anything and I'm afraid of a gain. I've pretty much been eating much better lately, though that's partially because I've begun using my food journal again. No calorie counts, no fat counts. Just "Do I really want to put something like that down here?". I've logged everything I've eaten, even the not so good stuff.

Like how I had three donuts for dinner the other day. Or the three servings of Combos as a snack. Not on the same day, but they happened. I'm starting to realize I'm just so stressed over ConnectiCon in July (I'm going to be in the Artist's Colony, selling prints and commissions),  that it's becoming really difficult to control myself around food. If Mik gets a donut, well..now I want one, too. And not just one, I want two or three. Thankfully, I didn't buy the half dozen. He tried to get me to, saying it would be cheaper and I could just put the others away for another day.

Thank god I know myself a little better than that. When I told him that, he seemed a bit confused, but he dropped the issue. The thing is, I know I would've ate all six, so long as my stomach could handle it. I'm not out to make myself feel overstuffed or sick. I don't like that feeling and that's never been something I do. I DO have a kind of screwed up body, though, and it's beginning to work again like a normal one. I never got hungry before and very rarely felt full. I could eat all I wanted and it never affected me one way or the other. The only way I could feel hungry was to not eat for a day or more. And I'd done that before, on numerous occasions, not for any other reason than I'm a space case and without the sensation of hunger, I would FORGET to eat. Sure, I get thirsty a lot, and I would always drink plenty. But food hasn't been a priority for me for years. I also was incapable of eating in the morning. Not only was I not hungry, but it would make me throw up if I ate.

Now? I get hungry every few hours. Like a normal human being with needs and a working body. I stop when I'm not hungry anymore because now I have the trigger to say, "HEY, I don't need anymore! It's okay!". I get hungry in the mornings and can eat a light breakfast now. Nothing heavy (no eggs, no cheese), but it's better than before. Lately, I've been eating a small serving of cereal with milk. I bring snacks to work and actually eat them, as long as I have time. On busier days, I can't. I can't even get away long enough to do job-related tasks, much less something else. I eat a breakfast, a lunch, and a dinner. And at least two snacks. If they were light, I'll eat a third as long as I'm still hungry and it's not time for the next meal.

In fact, it's before noon, and I'm hungry now. When I finish this post I plan on going to eat some breakfast.

My food journal looks wonderful now, in comparison to when I first started it. At first, I had sporadic items of food. No real meals, except for maybe one large one. Now, I have a small breakfast, small snacks, a moderate to heavy lunch, and a moderate to light dinner, depending on lunch. Anything no calorie or fat doesn't get put into my journal. So, water for example doesn't get put in, seeing as it has no fat or calories. The two low-cal Gatorades I drank at work yesterday, however, did get mentioned.

Hopefully tomorrow's weigh in will be good. I want to get somewhere with all this. And I want to buy SO MUCH lolita. It would be wonderful. All the fabrics and lace and pretty ruffles in my closet. But the dream will have to wait. The only things I can fit into now are random items from Chinese shops, Bodyline, and some Baby the Stars Shine Bright (VERY exciting for me. I cried the day I realized this.). Nothing to make a full wardrobe out of.