Sunday, December 11, 2011

Weigh in, December 11

Well. Uh. It's been over a week. Dammit. I really should get better at this again.


Previous weigh in: 204.8
Today's weigh in: 204.2
Which means: loss of .6lbs

Okay, that's not a lot. And considering I skipped a week, it's likely that I gained weight at some point and probably lost some again.

My scale said I was 39.9% bodyfat this morning.

I'm going to a breakfast with Prince T this morning at my workplace. It's a Christmas thing and I'm not big on Christmas, but there'll be free food and also he's wanted to meet some of my co-workers for a while. He's not entirely convinced they all exist to the ridiculous extent that they do. I know the food will be tasty, and real, since it's being cooked by my boss this morning. I have no doubts in his abilities to make eggs, bacon, sausage, pancakes, and hashbrowns. I'll try not to go overboard, and considering how little I normally eat in the morning, this shouldn't be too difficult.

I need to quit eating out (fast food). I always end up getting more food than I actually need and then eating it all at once anyway. Even if the individual items aren't really that bad, what difference does it make if they end up totaling over 1,000 calories for one meal? Granted, I've only been eating one meal a day lately, but that has to be rectified as well. I'm going to continue my weekly ritual of eating out to a sit down restaurant once a week, finances willing. I just have to start making better choices there (like, not everything fried. my poor stomach).

Prince T is trying to convince me to get a gym membership with him and I keep just giggling at him every time. I know he means well and I know gyms are good things, but we don't do even remotely the same things at the gym. I do mostly cardio with a little bit of weights. He does all weights. It's not like we'd be keeping each other company at the gym at that rate. And I wanted to get a small, inexpensive home elliptical machine. So that would cover my cardio. I can get a small set of weights, as well, and that'll cover strength training. I don't really need the gym. He does, since he's doing some major strength training and bulking up, but not me.

Hopefully I'll have next Sunday off and can do my weigh in then. Or I'll just start keeping a note pad in the bathroom so I can write down the numbers before I go to work. That would be infinitely more reliable and logical, wouldn't it? I'll see if Prince T can stop by a small store or something at some point today so I can get one.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Weigh in, November 29

Previous weigh in: 206.6lbs
This morning: 204.8lbs
Which means: loss of 1.8lbs

I have no idea when to actually do my weigh-ins. I don't have a regular work schedule and I don't like to do it before work, because I usually forget what the scale said that morning and I don't have time to update my blog or write it down before work.

Also, my scale says I'm about 40% body fat (40.3? 40.8? Something like that.) That's a LOT. Gosh. I think that's less than last week, though? I can't entirely remember, since I didn't write it down. I'll try to from now on.

Monday, November 21, 2011


Met my goal of 300 minutes of exercise this month. Unfortunately, it was all just walking and nothing extra. However, it's something. Next month's goal will be 400 minutes. Now that I have a working scale, it's taking everything in my power not to weigh myself more than once a week. It's a kind of fancy scale, too, that gives body fat percentages and all that, which is really neat.

I have a LOT of housework to do, so I'm very unlikely to be doing any exercise aside from that and walking for the next month or two. I need to completely clean out the storage room, clean the kitchen top to bottom, the living room top to bottom, the second floor bathroom top to the bottom, the third floor bathroom the same. The game room needs to be cleaned out, too, and my own room and the third floor hallway. It's kind of like spring cleaning, but way before spring. My sister's coming to visit and I haven't seen her in about three or four years, so I'm pretty excited to have everything super awesome and special for her when she shows up. I'll try and remember to wear my heart rate monitor while cleaning to see what that does for me, since I'll be running up and down three flights of stairs that whole time. I have until about March or so, but I don't want to leave this all for last second. We're turning the storage room into the guest room, so that's the first big thing to tackle.

One of my hopes with her visiting is that it'll be incentive to really lose some weight. I don't want to be this weight, or anywhere near it, when she shows up. I don't know why, but I really want her to see that I've lost weight. Probably because I know she's the only one in my family aside from my father, really, who wanted me to lose weight for all the right reasons and was never a jerk about it. She never once called me fat or anything growing up and she always was really gentle in her encouragement. She's also pretty much the only person in my family who's encouraged me to just be me. She means a lot to me, so I can't wait to see her again. It'll also be the first time I'll be meeting my niece, and the second time I'll be meeting my nephew. I have six nieces and nephews total, but those two are the ones I never see.

I really want to rework my goals for weightloss and my rewards system. I want to take this slowly, and take it one step at a time. I really think I was too stuck on the big picture last time. It was one thing for me to have lost 11 pounds or so, but I STILL had 70 or so left and that was just disheartening. I know a lot of people out there started with way more than I did, or still have way more than I do to lose, but I'm not them. I'm me. I appreciate the weight I've lost so far and the amount I've managed to keep off, but I'm not healthy this way. I'm perfectly happy, aside from the health issues. So, the health issues need to be addressed. I want to take this more on the strain of five pounds at a time. I'll lose five, see how I feel, and decide if another five need to go. Chances are I will decide that yes, another five need to be lost a few times, seeing as I'm at over 200lbs. I'm pretty sure some of that is gained weight from this summer and such, but I'm not sure how much of it is because of my scale situation.

I'm likely going to be going to a psychiatrist at some point within the next few months. Prince T is really encouraging it so I can get some updated diagnoses and maybe see if I can get some health insurance based on this. This would also make it easier to get benefits set up for myself if I end up unable to work thanks to my mental problems. These are things I've always worried about, but I didn't think just getting a diagnosis would do anything. Prince T is pretty insistent on it, and he's sure it will do a world of good for me to just have that on my medical record. To be honest, I'm terrified of going. He's going to have to drag me kicking and screaming into that office when the time comes and I know it. But I also know it's in my best interest to go, at least once.

Sunday, November 20, 2011


Finally got a new scale last night. I only weighed in this morning,though. Because I don't know how long, exactly, my scale was bonkers, I'm changing my starting weight to the one the new scale said. I don't really think it's fair to compare the weights from two different scales. Here's hoping that maybe knowing the numbers will help keep me in check? Will be updating measurements as soon as I find the darned tape measure, too.

As for the weight, I came in at 206.6lbs today. 

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

It's hard

To stay motivated, anyhow.

I want to just do what I want to do. I don't want to give myself any rules and I don't want to worry about numbers or grams or pounds or anything. I don't want to worry about fat or protein or sodium. I don't want to watch my caffeine intake. I don't want to take vitamins.

I also don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to have such a difficult time finding clothing. I don't want to do the seesaw yo yo game. I don't want to be tired or sick or sluggish anymore. I don't want to have to worry about whether I'm too heavy or too big. I don't want to have to worry about my health any more than a woman of 21 years should.

As I type this, I've got a fairly horrific pain in my right arm. It started in my hand and traveled its way up to my upper arm. It's still kind of in my hand and through my forearm, but it's mostly in my upper arm now. This is normal for me. This is normal for my legs, as well. This isn't normal. I don't know what it is, to a certain extent I have an idea of what it could be, but I don't want to self-diagnose.

Basically, I'm just sick of worrying. And I'm sick of making myself sick.

When I get a new scale, I'll weigh myself again. I'll start taking measurements again soon as well. I still stand firm on that I won't be counting calories. I will be watching fat, sodium, protein, fibre, sugars, etc, though. I'm still walking a lot, so that isn't really going to change in and of itself. Once I get the gaming room clean again, I can start playing my various dancing games again. Also need to make room for the elliptical I want to buy. Hopefully that will be happening within the next week as well.

We'll see. I'll be checking in.

Monday, October 31, 2011

Happy Halloween!

It's Halloween today! I hope you all have a wonderful, fun, and safe Halloween in whatever way you decide to celebrate it. And for those who don't, happy Monday!

Tonight I'm going to UMASS to watch a performance of the Rocky Horror Picture Show. It's one of my favorite movies, but I've never seen it performed live before. I'm fairly excited and I can't wait to go see it tonight.

Breakfast was half of a honey and peanut butter sandwich and a fruit and nut granola bar. Lunch was a hot turkey and cheese sandwich and a cracker and cheese snack.

Not entirely sure what dinner's going to look like, considering I'll be out and about for Halloween. Hopefully something tasty.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Salem, Rocky Horror, Halloween, oh my!

A good portion of yesterday was spent in Salem, MA. We left early in the morning (M, Prince T, and I) and had an early breakfast. I had a peppermint hotchocolate and a mcgriddle. They tried to poison me with a mocha (CAFFEIIIINE) but I refused to take it. I wanted my hot chocolate, dammit. It was cold and it was early and I knew it would wake me up and perk me up. Prince T demolished a cup of coffee. Poor guy isn't used to waking up so early on non-class days.

We did a lot of walking. A lot of it. We drove to Salem without any stops and some...minor...issues. (Oh, Boston) We then proceeded to get lost in Salem before we even got to Derby Street or the historic district. So, we walked back to the car and then managed to walk in the RIGHT direction this time. We went to the pirate museum, which we loved (especially Prince T), walked around the old burial ground, and then did some shopping.

I managed to score myself an Isis ring, an eye of Horus necklace, and a really beautiful ankh. Along with a box for my tarot deck with an eye of Horus on it. I passed up a lot of stuff, I yearned for much more, and I vowed to come back for it all. Prince T was a good sport about all the religious stuff shopping. He even sat down in the corner of one store with a great big copy of the Lesser Keys and proceeded to read it while I wandered around trying to find things that weren't too ostentatious for me. And relevant at the same time. I teased him that I'd get him a wax working seal from the Goetia if he promised never, ever to use it and he kind of grinned at me. The idea amused him, I think, especially after reading that book for so long. He was sad to leave it behind (it was $50).

We wandered around a lot more. Went to the witch history museum and then it started to rain. While we still wanted to go to the witch dungeon museum, the witch house, the Witches' Cottage, Count Orlok's, some haunted houses, Gallows Hill, and the pit...well. It was raining. And Prince T was worried about freezing rain on the way back. So we went back to the car. M and I stopped by a Starbucks on the way back. I got a green tea and a red velvet mini whoopie pie.

In the car, I devoured a turkey and cheese sandwich we'd brought and a nut and fruit granola bar. Along with my hot green tea and an iced one I'd brought from home.

Tonight, I'm going to make Prince T watch Rocky Horror Picture Show and teach him the Time Warp for when we go see it on Halloween night done by the UMASS theatre company.

I have no idea how much I walked yesterday, but it felt like a lot. And my bag was heavy, which made it feel even longer.

Here's hoping when we go again this summer, that the weather doesn't turn on us again!

Friday, October 21, 2011


I am ridiculously down today. Between a panic attack early last week and the freak out I had yesterday, I just have no idea where I am emotionally anymore.

The panic attack happened at work. It was mostly just my anxiety disorder rearing its ugly head. I got over it enough to go back to work that day, Prince T whisked me off to take my mind off things after work, and then I was down for a few days. I figured I had gotten over it, I was mostly back to normal.

Yesterday was an eventful day. It was my day off and I got dragged off to Dartmouth to go help move an arcade machine. Yes, you heard that right. M bought an arcade machine. We get there and he looks at the back of it and peeks around the machine at me and says, "Hey, Princess, how many pounds is 233 kg?"

My jaw dropped. "233 kilograms?! Are you SERIOUS?" He nodded, expecting an answer! So, I said, "I think that's around 500, maybe 510 POUNDS." (I checked when I got home, 233kg is 512lbs, just about)

And we stared at each other.We had been guessing this thing would cap out at 300, maybe 350lbs. We were not expecting this machine to actually weigh that much. It wasn't a very big machine! (Fighting Mania, for all those familiar. And if you are, you're shaking your fist is sheer envy and rage that M got his hands on a working machine.)

We had a van, a way too small dolly, no ramp, no jack of any sort. And we had M's friend, Al, who was about our size and maybe as strong. I'm not very strong, neither is M. (M and Al can comfortably lift up to 100lbs without hurting themselves, I can do about 50lbs.)

But! We figured the joint effort would do it! (even though we had a combined lifting power of 250lbs, but nevermind!) The machine was on wheels, so getting it TO the van wouldn't be an issue. We were mostly worried about getting it INTO the van. So, fast forward about an hour. We have not managed to get this hell machine into the van. It's 10am, I know Prince T is sleeping, but I know he doesn't have class. I make a desperate call to him, beg beg begging him to come help us. He's got a foot on all of us and is stronger than any one single person we had. SURELY with his help, we could get this blasted thing into the van, right?

Much pulling, pushing, screaming, kicking, swearing, and cursing later, that dreadful machine was in the back of the van. M was crushed between it and the back door, I was in the bitchseat between the driver and passenger seat (don't tell me how illegal this setup was, we were all aware). The other two boys got their own seats. We get to the storage locker M rented and we manage with MUCH LESS EFFORT to get this behemoth out of the van, into the building, and into the locker.

Much rejoicing. Prince T kicked a random stick and screamed at it. We all swore we would never look at that goddamn machine again...or at least for another two or three years. We piled into the van, M in the passenger seat, Prince T and I hiding in the back, Al driving. Eventually, we refilled the tank, got the demon van back to the rental place, and then Prince T and I went off to have a magical adventure at his place.

By magical adventure, I mean we proceeded to pass out in his room from the monumental effort of moving a 512lb arcade machine from the mall to a storage locker in another town. We slept. I'm not sure for how long, really, because I don't even know when we fell asleep. But I'd guess around 5pm.

During this nap, I had a nightmare. A fairly awful one, actually. I react really physically to my dreams most of the time. It's not uncommon for me to cry or scream in my sleep. This time, I was twitching around and convulsing a bit. I remember Prince T waking me up, just barely hearing him say, "Are you alright? Are you okay? You're twitching. What's wrong?"

And then I crashed. The twitching turned into full on convulsing. I couldn't control it and I was just clinging onto him and having full body spasms every few seconds. I could barely talk, not doing much other than whimpering and whining. I kept trying to curl up and hide, but that wasn't really possible with him holding onto me, so I just kept twitching and shaking. He kept talking to me the whole time, trying to calm me down (reassuring me I was safe, that it hadn't been real, etc). Eventually, I calmed down, just twitching a little bit, breathing mostly normally. I was talking a bit at the point,  a bit strained and really quiet and mumbling, but I was talking. He eventually got me to leave the dorm room for a little walk, something to eat, and then we went back to his room where he proceeded to distract me with Nosferatu and Dr. Strangelove.

He cheered me up, quite a bit, but I'm still not 100%. I didn't sleep well last night. I kept waking up every hour or two. No dreams that I can remember, but always this feel of a slight swell of panic.

So right now, I'm depressed, exhausted, and a little shaky. I have work in an hour and I don't really want to go, but I'm going anyhow. It might be a good distraction for me. I'll pull out of this, I always do. I'm just hoping I don't pull out of this using food.

I had a heavy breakfast. An egg and bacon and cheese sandwich with some juice. A lighter lunch, just a hotdog with some tea. This should hold me through my five hours of work today. I'll likely have a lighter snack once I get out and then some chili for dinner.

Saturday, October 8, 2011


"And I remember screaming at her, 'I don't deserve to be treated like this,' before I ran off up the stairs because I knew she wouldn't be able to follow me."

"You DON'T deserve to be treated like that. Don't ever believe her. She's just projecting onto you."

My last post touched a lot on how my mother was the biggest reason I had self esteem issues. Last night, on an unrelated topic, my mother came up in conversation with Prince T. We were talking about the last time we had cried, it had stemmed from a fairly silly conversational topic, but ended up getting a bit serious.

A bit of backstory. I used to have really awful anger problems as a kid, all the way through middle school. I'd break things, throw things, generally scream and be a nasty, awful person. It didn't take much to get me to fly off the handle. I found out later this was mostly from my bi-polar disorder, but at the time this was all happening, no one knew. And I just seemed crazy and over sensitive. I learned to control my anger (and my temper, oh Prince T is wincing at that word right now) and not to resort to really destructive means to deal with it. When I get overwhelmed by it, though, my reaction is to just start crying. Because this is the most healthy, effective, least destructive form of my expressing my anger. I don't hurt anyone this way, verbally or physically. I don't break anything this way. It's much better for me. I usually don't get to that point anymore, but it does happen.

Also, I cry when I have panic attacks. So, this conversation was excluding when I cry out of anger or a panic attack or just being emotionally overwhelmed (because of my bi-polar).

Last summer, I was unemployed, as you know from my blog posts. I was living with my parents and having to rely on them, which felt absolutely awful. Mik had a job and he was supporting me a bit, as well, which also made me feel awful. I only had Mik and N at the time in the area, no other friends that I had contact with. I was lonely and depressed most of the time and just generally really miserable.

One day I made my way downstairs to go talk to my mother. I don't even make it to the last step before she starts screaming at me over a phone that had been left overnight out of its charger. A phone I hadn't even used. But clearly, it was my fault and no one else's. Clearly it was my fault even though I haven't touched a land line since I got a cellphone. I just stood there, staring at her, not really sure how this was happening or why. She switched her topic of 'lecture' to now be about how useless I was, how I wasn't accomplishing anything and how I was just sitting around and doing nothing with my life. Me, who had been walking miles and miles whenever dad was at work so I could put in applications for jobs. Me, who searched online for applications. Me, who managed to scrape together a few extra bucks by doing odd online jobs (writing articles, short stories, taking surveys, etc). I wasn't doing anything. I wasn't trying. I was useless.


That's a recurring theme in my life. I felt useless for a long time before I moved back in with my parents. Long before I left home. I felt useless and awful and stupid, ugly, fat, all those negative things.

I never stood up for myself as a child against my mother. I know my mother loves me, I know she wants what's best for me. But the culture she's from isn't a kind one all the time. The part of Portugal we're from is very harsh. Failure isn't taken well. You're hard on your children to teach them the world. Tough love is a standard. But I've never reacted well to any of that. I'm sure that doesn't hurt some people, but I'm also sure most people can't handle 21 years of that and not come out emotionally damaged.

I stood up for myself last year that day. I screamed at her that I didn't deserve to be treated that way. That I didn't deserve to be treated like crap for things that weren't my fault. That I was trying my best and it wasn't my fault jobs are hard to come by in this city (one of the poorest in Massachusetts), that I had been trying hard to make extra money, that I had been cleaning all the time just to stop thinking about how miserable I was. I told her it wasn't fair she was making me feel so awful because SHE'S miserable. I told her I was done taking it. I was done just letting her rail into me like that.

I don't deserve to be treated that way.

And so I went upstairs and cried. Cried for all the years I just took that. Cried for the way she's always made me feel. Cried for how miserable I was. Cried and cried and cried until I was sick. I called N and had him take me away, whisk me off somewhere. I touched on this briefly last year, actually.  Right here, for a refresher. I was down for days afterwards, but managed to pull out of it.

My mother DID apologize when I got home. She told me she was sorry for flying off the handle the way she had, told me she was sorry for what she'd said and that she hadn't intended on making me feel so bad. She hasn't done anything that bad since then, even though she does still call attention to my weight every chance she gets.

Prince T hates these stories, these things that come up and I don't realize how awful they are until I think back on them.

I love my mother, despite everything she's made me feel. She's a wonderful woman who does care very deeply for me. She'd give anything to make me happy and she tries her hardest to give me everything I could possibly ever want or need. through some talks, we've been able to mend this relationship a bit. She's being more gentle, I'm being less sensitive. I know I haven't always been the perfect daughter, and I'm still not. But she's not been the perfect mother, either. But we're both trying and this is getting better.

Maybe one day, these stories will be just that; stories of things that happened to me in the past, not a day or two ago.

I'll think back and remember how I used to feel, how I got past it, and how I didn't just eat my problems away like my father would have suggested I do. I hope next year, I'll have much fewer stories to tell about my mother that are negative and many more positive ones.

This blog is shifting away from weight loss, it seems, and more to my personal life and such. If that's an issue, I'm sorry. But I do think these things are important to look at, especially since I'm a very emotionally driven person. Prince T is very logical, he's all numbers and facts. I'm very emotional, all colors and feelings. I suppose together we equal out to a more rational and sane person. (Okay, maybe sane wasn't the best choice of word there, all considered anyone who knows us very well)

I still am going to talk a lot about my health, size, weight, and healthy eating. I still want to talk about food and how to not become a miserable person hiding in their room stuffing down every negative feeling with cookies.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

AAAGH, body image, self-esteem, and a big dallop of MISC, all for 50 calories or less!

This is how yesterday went:

Alarm clock goes off at 6am. Groan and wonder WHY IS THE PHONE MAKING THIS HORRIFIC NOISE SO EARLY. Realize I have work.
Roll out of bed five minutes later, wanting to cry.
Begrudgingly get dressed.
Eat (banana, toast, instant breakfast drink)
Brush teeth, pack change of clothing, leave at 6:30am.
Walk one mile to work, arrive at 7am.
Work until 11:45am. (yes, really)
Walk uphill one mile home.
Drink orange juice, yell at M to leave.
Walk two miles with M to the dentist and wait for him there.
Go get something to eat at McD's when he's done.
Walk two miles back home.
Shower. Get dressed.
Drive off to meet Prince T, who proceeds to whisk me off to Birch (place on campus) to have a small dinner.
Curl up on Prince T's bed and proceed to whine and cry and whine.
Stay at Prince T's until 12am. SOMEHOW without sleeping at all.
Arrive home at 12:30am and promptly pass out.

I slept four and a half hours, walked six miles, and stayed up horrendously late. You'd think I would have had an easier day today. While I DID get a ride to and from work, I was pretty much instantly whisked off to Providence after I got home by Prince T to walk around the gigaaantic mall after work. He bought me a Build a Bear, we bought some tea at the Teavana, managed not to go into the Godiva store, and generally had a wonderful, pleasant time. Lots of walking, little sitting today, much like yesterday, but I'm happy.

Came home and put on a pot of my wonderful new tea and made dinner. Bay scallops with low sodium bacon, green bell pepper, baby carrots, baby bella mushrooms, sesame oil, olive oil, butter with some rice pilaf (carrots, peppers, peas, corn) on the side. I ate dinner alone, on account of M being at work, but I saved him plenty of dinner for when he gets home. I know he'll be tired and I'm sure he'll appreciate it.

Prince T is waiting for some cash to come his way so I can make him some truffles. I promised him I'd make them for him if he didn't go into the Godiva store. Wonderful, delicious treats in there, but so expensive! And Prince T is a fairly trim, lean man (he works out and is 21, oh men and their metabolisms!) so he doesn't have to really worry about the idea of eating a bunch of truffles or what ever else we would have picked up. I, however, am a tiny little thing who gains weight easily...and has blood sugar issues. And Prince T, gentleman that he is, always shares his sugary treats with me. While I appreciate this, I also shouldn't be eating cookies, cakes, candies, and truffles all the time.

So I've taken to just offering to make them for him. It's cheaper, he gets more, he gets something made by his princess, and I won't put a bunch of not-food-like substances in it. He's in college, so he can always pawn off the extras on his friends, who are constantly going on sugar binges. Whereas in my house, it would sit around and M and I would attempt to polish it all off before it spoiled/went stale. I much prefer this.

I've taught him the joys of good tea as well. Now, before you go and think that I make a habit out of buying tea at Teavana (2 ounces of tea ranges from $3 all the way to $30, depending on type, origin, etc) and couple this with my lolita thing, I'm going to tell you I really am not rich or anything. Haha. I just save up for a while and buy cute clothes, or delicious tea. Prince T couldn't fathom spending that much money on tea. ( "They want $12 for TWO OUNCES OF TEA?") Until I handed him a sample cup. His eyes lit up, a lazy smile came over his face, and he practically squealed. My prince had been conquered by the delicious taste of white tea mixed with berries and flower petals and I knew it. He willingly paid $12 for those two ounces, took the tea home and proceeded to...

Improperly brew it, thus destroying his first cup of expensive tea. (Two ounces of tea will give you a good 10 or so cups of tea, by the way)

He contacted me, lamenting over this. I brought him to the nearest Stop n Shop, had him buy a tea ball, and then told him how he could go about brewing his tea. He tried it that night and instant messaged me, telling me how wonderful it was.

So here we are this afternoon, standing in the Teavana. He's wriggling and whining about how he wants tea but he can't afford any. Until a wonderful Earl Grey catches his eye, for a mere $4! He jumped on it (and on a cup of extremely expensive black tea to-go). I jumped on a white tea (Youthberry), an herbal (Wild orange blossom), and a green (Blackberry Mojito) and got a cup of Raspberry Soiree green to-go, unsweetened.

I've made it a mission to drink more tea. I want to replace my sodas, and to some extent, the juice I drink with tea. I drink a lot of juice, which isn't bad for me, and I don't buy any that are sweetened with artificial sweeteners or corn syrups. However, juice is made from fruit, fruit is very sweet, so I'm pretty much injecting sugar into me every time I drink juice. Now, I don't have diabetes or hypoglycemia or anything, but I do get some pretty bad blood sugar spikes and dips if I'm not careful with what I put in my mouth. This is why I'm thinking of only having juice with breakfast or dinner (not both) and not drinking it during the day in-between meals. I don't drink much soda anymore (sometimes at work I'll have one glass, or if we go out to eat somewhere suddenly). Prince T more or less has me get the fake tea drinks (Which make us both sad after many trips to Teavana) and stay away from colas. Damn that prince knowing caffeine makes me ill!

Also, I'm eating a lot more seafood and a lot less...other meats. I don't really eat poultry for...strange reasons. The smell of chicken meat (cooked or raw) makes me sick to my stomach for reasons I can't really explain. Whenever I eat chicken, I can't really allow myself to smell the meat or else I'll get fairly nauseous. Can't really explain that one at all, but it is what it is. I dislike turkey in most forms, except deli sliced very thin for sandwiches or in soups. I like rock cornish hens, but only made the way my dad makes it (Which in the tradition of a lot of Portuguese food, will likely be the cause of my impending heart attack). Beef doesn't hold the same appeal it did when I was younger. It's just...not special. It's not that great. I always cook it medium rare to medium, so it's not that I'm overcooking it and destroying the flavor and juiciness. I'm good at cooking beef. I just don't really like it. Pork is boring. Oh, it's SO boring. And I don't like game meats (rabbit, venison, etc). I am fond of veal, but it's expensive and not really work the price tag for me. Lamb is also nice, despite its gameyness, but again, not really worth the price tag for me and I really only like it in gyros.

So what does that leave me with? Scallops, shrimp, halibut, flounder, cod, periwinkles (dirt cheap!), mussels, clams... Oh my, it doesn't end there. Tilapia, salmon, whiting, pollock... All so good! Pan fry it, tempura fry it, bake it, put it in soups, steam it, poach, grill, blacken it... I make seafood all sorts of different ways and I'm in love each and every time.

I'm thinking of making Prince T a big pot of clam chowder to share with his roommates and friends. No good New England-er doesn't like clam chowder, right? Especially since he's from the Cape! I didn't even grow up on the Cape and I'm addicted to a good clam chowder. And before you get on me for this whole cream based soup thing, in reality...It's not that bad for you. Come on. It's soup. At worst, I've seen a big bowl go for about 400 calories, 8-10 grams of fat, etc.etc. It's filling, delicious, and extremely comforting. I'm sure I could make something healthier than that, and will likely try, as I worry for Prince T's heart (donuts, cookies, pizza, sandwiches, store bought pastries... Oh his heart). I taught him good tea is fantastic, cheap vodka is why he hated vodka (and why good vodka is AMAZING), and that wine can be good when paired with the right foods. I also taught him to make eggs. I can teach him real food is delicious! And he's such a willing student, too.

So, in the past week I've managed to walk eight miles. FUU. Oh god. REALLY? Where did THAT come from? And that's not counting all the running around I do at work or around the mall or around the UMASS campus (Oh no, you all probably have a pretty good idea of where I live now from this post...! Oh well!).

Tomorrow, M, Prince T and I are going to the arcade for a bit. I think I'll wear jeans and have a casual day (no lolita) for the express purpose of being able to play DDR comfortably. Or I'll wear a pencil skirt and just be way too overdressed to be playing DDR, but be incredibly sexy!

Speaking of being sexy, let's talk about body image and self-esteem. Growing up, my body image was TERRIBLE and my self-esteem non existent. I mean that. I thought I was the fattest, ugliest, most disgusting thing ever. Ever since I can remember, I thought of myself that way. All the way back in middle school, before the bi-polar diagnosis, before the medication, before I ever remember feeling emotionally off, I always had a skewed perception of myself. My mother always told me I was fat, always tried to get me on a diet. While my father never told me I was fat, never told me I was overweight or chubby, he did encourage me to take better care of myself. I never did.

Through high school, after I threw out the medication for my misdiagnosis (I was first diagnosed with general run of the mill depression), after I packed on another thirty or so pounds and managed to get myself into a size 18/20 and was steadily going towards 20/22, I remember being miserable. I dressed in an androgynous manner to hide,  so no one would see what I looked like... So I wouldn't see what I looked like. I was always angry or upset or just generally down. Not just because of my bi-polar, but because also of how I viewed myself. I recently found a diary from when I was  16 or so. The one entry I managed to read started out a bit normally but ended up dissolving into an entry about how much I hated myself. About how fat I was. About how I was ugly, how no one would ever think I was pretty.

I moved out of my parents house when I was 18. Moved from Massachusetts to Illinois to live with Mik. This was, perhaps, the best thing I could have done for myself. Removing myself from my mother's presence (and I'm not trying to vilify my mother) was the best thing for me. I grew as a person. No longer was I the baby who would have everything taken care of for her. I had to pay bills, cook for myself, clean for myself, get MYSELF up for things, and make my own way through life. My father wasn't there to gently prod and guide me. My mother wasn't there to protect me.

She also wasn't there to call me fat. She wasn't there to try and make me diet. She wasn't there to see me, see how I dressed, anything.

I don't know exactly when I started seeing myself more positively or what exactly happened. I started wearing more feminine clothing, with shape to them, so you could see me and not just a bunch of fabric. I was a happier person. Yes, I was also about 30 pounds lighter than I had been since I left high school (which is about when I started this blog, after losing a good bit of weight), but I'm not sure if that had everything to do with it. I think what had to do with it was realizing my mother was wrong.

I was not FAT. Yes, I was overweight, but I was NOT what my mother had driven me to believe I was. The image she had given me was of some grotesquely large, rolls and rolls of fat everywhere, jiggling without control, too big to buy clothing in a store. That was how my mother made me feel. That's what the word 'fat' has always meant to me.

I WAS NOT FAT. Not when I was 10, 15, 18, or even now. I am not FAT.

I am a curvy, beautiful woman. I was a chubby, adorable middle schooler. I was an awkward, curvy, but beautiful young girl in high school.

I. Was. NOT. FAT.

Living with my mother again now, hearing her say things like that again, has really driven home how I was made to feel for 18 years of my life. Being away for two years was all I needed to shake reality into me. For me to really appreciate myself, see who I really was...

What I really looked like.

I am five feet two inches tall. I have small breasts, a little waist, and a good bit of extra weight in my stomach. My hips are quite wide, and my thighs are also quite fleshy. I have trimmer calves, little ankles, and small feet. My wrists are itty bitty, my hands child sized. Do I have the 'ideal' body? No.

But here's the important part.

I smile when I look in the mirror and see my body.

I like the way it looks. I would still like it if it were smaller. I would still like it if it were bigger. Because I like ME. I love ME. And that causes me to love the rest of me.

So I have the 'ideal' body? No.

But when Prince T looks at me, he smiles. He holds my hand, or hugs me tightly, tells me I'm perfect, tells me he loves me. As I am. He knows how much I used to weigh and I believe him when he tells me he would still be with me if I ever weighed that much again. But at the same time, he supports my wanting to lose weight for health reasons.

When I wear lolita and it fits and looks adorable and good, I'm happy. Even when my mother tells me it makes me look fat. ("SUCH a cute dress!...too bad it makes you look so fat...") I know it isn't true. I know it's just her way of trying to get me to be healthy. She was raised that way and I know she just doesn't know any better or any different, that it comes from a place of love, even if it sounds terrible.

So, that was my ridiculously long post.

I hope you all take some time to really love yourselves today, I mean that. I wasted so many years hating myself. Hating my body, hating my personality, hating my life. I wasted so much time doing that. And if you feel the same way, then you're just wasting time, too.

Please don't waste any more time. You deserve to be happy and you deserve your love.

Once I realized that, everything else just slipped into place. I hope it does for you, too.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Food and Drink and some misc.

Breakfast ; two slices of whole grain wheat toast, 2 tbls peach preserves, 2 tbls natural peanut butter, 2 cups chocolate milk, a yogurt.

Snack ; two slices whole grain wheat toast, 1 tbls peach preserves, 1 tbls natural peanut butter, 1 yogurt, 1 can Mr. Brown

Lunch ; two bowls miso soup (see below), two cups orange drink

So, this morning, I woke up somewhat on time and got some food into me before getting to work. I tried to eat a bit heavy this morning since I knew I wouldn't have time to eat at work and wouldn't be home until about four. Breakfast was at about 8am. Work went well enough, I stuck to water all day as a drink, didn't eat anything at work per usual. I don't really nibble on anything there anymore, either.

Got home and instantly made a snack, as I knew better than to not eat. I know I said no caffeine, but I seem to be terrible at controlling myself whenever Prince T isn't around. He isn't here? I drink caffeine. He is? I go for things without. I should probably talk to him about this and see if we can figure something out on how to help me control myself a bit more.

Now, the miso soup. Basically, I took a big pot and put 4 cups of water in it. In went some white miso, a lot of red miso, some dashi, some tofu, some carrots, mushrooms, some halibut, some somen noodles, a little sesame oil, some daikon radish, spinach, and nori. I had a heaping bowl and then another half bowl of this. There's still some left and I'll have the rest of it for dinner tonight with the left over tempura from last night.

I think tomorrow I'll make some pho' when I get home from work instead of miso. We'll see how I feel.

I do have pictures of the soup and I'll post them this weekend, likely, when I'm off work.

Yeah, dinner will definitely be the left over soup with some warmed up tempura from last night. I think I'll add more somen to the soup, as I ate most of it earlier. I'll probably have an ice cream cupcake for dessert, as they've been calling me all day and I love them.

Made an order on Bodyline last night for some new clothing. I'm hoping to transition to wearing lolita 60-90% of the time, depending on weather and what I have in my closet when this stuff comes in. In total, when I get this package, I'll have in my closet:
Two dresses
Six skirts
Five blouses
Three pairs of socks
Three pairs of shoes
Two purses
Two petticoats
Assorted accessories (necklaces, earrings, bracelets, head accessories)
A winter coat
A fall coat
Two boleros

This seems like a pretty good wardrobe for me for the moment and enough to do this as full time as I really want.

Of course, one of my shirts and one of my boleros needs to be repaired. Haha. I should get onto M about this. I especially want the bolero repaired, as it's starting to get a tiiiny bit cooler some days. And the one shirt, since it's long sleeved.

I absolutely love one of my pairs of Bodyline shoes. They're enamel white with bows on them and a four inch heel (two inch platform, so my foot isn't arched all that much). The hilarious part is that Prince T still towers over me when I wear these. I don't even really reach his chin in these shoes. I guess that's what happens when you're 5'2''. I'm hoping that the new shoes I got in will replace the white ones as my favorites. They're pink with bows all over them. Very cute.

I'll be sure to post photos if I get any taken. M likes taking pictures of me in my lolita, especially for K back in Illinois who's always curious to see how I look in my new stuff. And Prince T is usually a good sport and will pose with me.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Before and After

What's this? The Princess is actually posting photos? Why yes, yes she is.
 So, the above is a photo from my senior prom, where I was at my heaviest. That floating hand is the product of me cutting out a friend in this photo. XD
And this was taken in July, at ConnectiCon. It's a little hard to tell a difference, especially since the lolita is so fluffy. But I actually have a waist in that outfit, as opposed to...not.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Life has a way...

...of just sneaking up on you.

The convention came and went. It went well, it was fun, I met some nice people and saw a lot of cool things. The trip was a bit long, there and back, and the nights seemed to take forever. But nothing bad happened, nothing really noteworthy happened, either.

Between that and then getting some art work up and running (a comic, some writing, some paintings, etc), I lost time for the blog. I've been reading other blogs, not been commenting at all, but been reading them. I don't know why I haven't been commenting. I think it might have been because I was a bit scared that if I commented, I'd be expected to update my own blog again. But I just couldn't find the energy for it. So I didn't comment, even if I wanted to.

I haven't been doing anything, really, in the ways of keeping up with exercise or the eating well or anything. What a shocker, right? It's not something that upsets me, to be honest. Where before I would've been angry at myself, I would've done things like eat a bunch of cookies or something because I was upset over that. Well, I'm not really upset over this. Things happen, priorities changes, people change.

I still want to lose weight. That hasn't changed at all. I've changed, though, a lot in these past few months. From June to September, I'm very different.

I'm in a size 16 pant/skirt and a medium/large (XL in junior's) top. I haven't taken measurements in a while, nor have I weighed myself in longer. My scale just doesn't cut it anymore, it couldn't decide if I was 210 or 175 or anywhere in between at any given moment. And I know I'm not 175. Ahah. Though that would be lovely.

The vanity issue isn't quite there for me anymore. Yes, I wanted to lose weight because of health issues. But I also wanted to lose weight to look better and feel better about myself. I wanted to lose weight so I could fit into a bunch of pretty clothing and wear more lolita.

I can wear most of the lolita I want to now. Not everything. And a lot of things are still far away from my grasp. But I can fit into a good damned portion of lolita as it stands (yes, even brand). I'm in a size 16 pant and I'll be in a 14 soon enough, I'm sure, if I continue to lose weight again.

I love the way I look. This is true. Yes, I carry quite a bit of weight in my middle. Maybe some people wouldn't find my naked (or not so naked) body to be all that appealing. But I love the curves. I love the little waist that goes to the big hips. And you know what? So does Prince T (this princess is not quite nearly as single as she had been when she last posted).

This isn't any portion of vanity for me anymore. I look good, Prince T loves the way I look, I fit into pretty clothes and dress myself well (then again, I dressed myself well at 210lbs, too). Vanity? Taken care of.

Now. The medical issues. They're still here. My left hip is still giving me some pretty bad problems. Example.

I was lying with Prince T a few nights ago, just cuddling with him. I was a bit awkwardly position, my head against his ribs (not sure how that happened). He chuckled a bit and gently grabbed me by the shoulders and pulled me up closer to his chest. This simple act, forcing my hips to life just a bit, caused me some fairly intense agony. Of course, the Prince was quite worried indeed. I had to reassure him that he hadn't caused me any pain, that it was just my hip.

I'm 21 years old. It was just my hip.

That's a problem. A big one. I don't want it to be a problem, ever. Sure, it'll come up again when I'm older, but I don't want it to be for another 20, maybe 30 years if I'm lucky.

My left knee is also bothering me a bit. And my ankles. It's mainly my hip, though, that's giving me issues.

I know that losing weight will help this, a lot. However, I don't really want to go about this the way I was doing it before. I don't think that was really working for me, especially since I was fairly wishywashy with what I was even doing. I need to make some rules for myself. Some of these I know Prince T will enforce because, really, they involve more immediate aspects of my health.

1) No more caffeine (except for in green tea, the occasional black tea, and some chocolate).
Reasoning- Caffeine makes me ill. Amazingly, horribly ill. I get migraines and will start throwing up. It's pretty bad. I could have around 200-300mg of caffeine per day, but it seems that's gone down considerably and I no longer know how much I can have. I shouldn't be having any, honestly. This means no more colas (oh, Pepsi, it was nice knowing you), no more coffee (goodbye, Mr. Brown), and no more bottled teas (did you know a lot of green tea is cut with black tea? I found out the hard way.) This is one that Prince T will help enforce, seeing as he hates what caffeine does to me. The scolding I got for my last can of Mr. Brown was silly, but warrented.

2) No more artificial sweeteners (aspartame, sucralose, etc).
Reasoning- Chemicals. My body actually REALLY hates them. When I eat less processed foods, I feel better. My stomach doesn't feel wonky, and I get less headaches. Artificial sweeteners hate me. Well, I'm going to hate them, too. Aside from in my yogurts, I'm going to try and stay as far away as I can.

3) No added sugars (like corn syrup, fructose added to things, glucose added to things, etc).
Reasoning- Yeah, my body actually really hates those, too. My body actually really dislikes a lot of sugar, and usually these things are found in really high sugar products. So, I stay away from these, it'll be easier to not pump myself full of sugar.

4) Limit the oily/greasy foods.
Reasoning- These also make me REALLY sick. I limit these, I limit the amount of time I spend huddled over wishing I would just throw up and go on with my day to ease the agony.

5) No more skipping meals.
Reasoning- ...the obvious? This is actually going to be the hardest for me. I don't get hungry, so I never know when to eat. Prince T is constantly asking me, "Princess, are you hungry?" I shake my head and then he'll ask, "Have you even eaten today?" I think and usually, the answer is my shaking my head. He'll frown and drag me to get something to eat.

I'm not really concerned with measuring tapes, getting a new scale, or anything of the sort. I think if I can keep to those five rules in a broad sense, I'll be fine. Of course, I want to make more detailed things for myself. Not so much rules at that point, but guidelines. The only hard part there is that if I do something like 'no eating out more than x times a week', I eat out with Prince T at his campus stuff a lot. We don't go get fast food, but it's not like we eat anything better than burgers and fries, either. I also have little to no opinion on a lot of things, so he ends up ordering for me. This has actually happened several times. I might talk to him about this if this becomes more of a concern for me (we don't really go eat at the campus restaurants all that often, really). Right now, I'm not going to worry about it. Though he HAS been policing my caffeine intake. "Princess, is that a Pepsi?" "Uhhh..." "Put that down." Silly Prince...

But that's pretty much where I'm at, I guess. I'm hoping I'll be getting into posting a bit more frequently again. I especially want to start cooking a lot more, especially healthy things. Prince T's started working out recently (to build muscle, not lose weight) and I want him to have food that isn't a burger or a granola bar or whatever he can shove under his bed at his dorm. Silly thing. Granola bars and graham crackers aren't food!

If I get any good recipes, I'll definitely be sharing them, especially with photos. Hopefully one of these days I'll actually post a photo of myself. Who knows!

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Weigh in, June 11

So, I came in at 198.5lbs this week, which is a full pound lost from last week. I'm feeling pretty good physically, mostly due to controlling my eating.I don't feel gross or bogged down. Emotionally, I'm still kind of a stressridden wreck. I'll get over it and plan better for ConnectiCon next year so as to avoid this in '12. I'll post again after lunch if I have the time.

Friday, June 10, 2011


Tomorrow's weigh in and I admit, I'm feeling a bit nervous. I'm afraid of not losing anything and I'm afraid of a gain. I've pretty much been eating much better lately, though that's partially because I've begun using my food journal again. No calorie counts, no fat counts. Just "Do I really want to put something like that down here?". I've logged everything I've eaten, even the not so good stuff.

Like how I had three donuts for dinner the other day. Or the three servings of Combos as a snack. Not on the same day, but they happened. I'm starting to realize I'm just so stressed over ConnectiCon in July (I'm going to be in the Artist's Colony, selling prints and commissions),  that it's becoming really difficult to control myself around food. If Mik gets a donut, I want one, too. And not just one, I want two or three. Thankfully, I didn't buy the half dozen. He tried to get me to, saying it would be cheaper and I could just put the others away for another day.

Thank god I know myself a little better than that. When I told him that, he seemed a bit confused, but he dropped the issue. The thing is, I know I would've ate all six, so long as my stomach could handle it. I'm not out to make myself feel overstuffed or sick. I don't like that feeling and that's never been something I do. I DO have a kind of screwed up body, though, and it's beginning to work again like a normal one. I never got hungry before and very rarely felt full. I could eat all I wanted and it never affected me one way or the other. The only way I could feel hungry was to not eat for a day or more. And I'd done that before, on numerous occasions, not for any other reason than I'm a space case and without the sensation of hunger, I would FORGET to eat. Sure, I get thirsty a lot, and I would always drink plenty. But food hasn't been a priority for me for years. I also was incapable of eating in the morning. Not only was I not hungry, but it would make me throw up if I ate.

Now? I get hungry every few hours. Like a normal human being with needs and a working body. I stop when I'm not hungry anymore because now I have the trigger to say, "HEY, I don't need anymore! It's okay!". I get hungry in the mornings and can eat a light breakfast now. Nothing heavy (no eggs, no cheese), but it's better than before. Lately, I've been eating a small serving of cereal with milk. I bring snacks to work and actually eat them, as long as I have time. On busier days, I can't. I can't even get away long enough to do job-related tasks, much less something else. I eat a breakfast, a lunch, and a dinner. And at least two snacks. If they were light, I'll eat a third as long as I'm still hungry and it's not time for the next meal.

In fact, it's before noon, and I'm hungry now. When I finish this post I plan on going to eat some breakfast.

My food journal looks wonderful now, in comparison to when I first started it. At first, I had sporadic items of food. No real meals, except for maybe one large one. Now, I have a small breakfast, small snacks, a moderate to heavy lunch, and a moderate to light dinner, depending on lunch. Anything no calorie or fat doesn't get put into my journal. So, water for example doesn't get put in, seeing as it has no fat or calories. The two low-cal Gatorades I drank at work yesterday, however, did get mentioned.

Hopefully tomorrow's weigh in will be good. I want to get somewhere with all this. And I want to buy SO MUCH lolita. It would be wonderful. All the fabrics and lace and pretty ruffles in my closet. But the dream will have to wait. The only things I can fit into now are random items from Chinese shops, Bodyline, and some Baby the Stars Shine Bright (VERY exciting for me. I cried the day I realized this.). Nothing to make a full wardrobe out of.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Weigh in, June 7th

Came in at 199.5lbs today. That's a gain of half a pound. Not too bad considering how terrible I was feeling, but a gain is a gain and I need to correct that ASAP.

Sunday, May 29, 2011


Changed the template and made a few changes to the blog. I think it's a little easier to read this way instead of everything being sooo squished up. Also tried to make my lists a little bit clearer. And changed the way the archive looks instead of it going by day (WHY would an archive go by DAY?) it now goes by month.

All there is to it

I didn't post my weight last week or this because I simply didn't weigh myself.  I've felt really down lately, and my body hasn't been itself. I've been nauseous and gross and not feeling great. So I opted not to weigh. Nothing short of a 'breaking the 195lbs barrier' would have made me feel better, and that's just unrealistic. I'm not plunging myself into depression and self loathing over a stupid number and that's all there is to it.

I did, however, start amping up my exercise again. I'm 100minutes away from hitting my 500minute goal. I think I can do that in the next two days without harming myself, that's just 50 minutes tomorrow (two workouts including warm up and cool down) and Tuesday, each. I don't think that sounds like a big deal. One when I get home from work tomorrow and another sometime before bed. And then one in the morning on Tuesday and another in the afternoon.

Speaking of working out, I am positively dripping in sweat today after my workout. I might do another one soon today and just cut out one of the ones tomorrow because I still feel darned good. I'll give it another half hour or so and see how I feel. I don't really want to push myself too hard and hurt myself and I don't want to be tired out for work tomorrow. That just sounds like a bad idea. 

I'm feeling good, but I won't weigh myself until next Saturday. I want to keep feeling good as long as possible. Hopefully all these feel good chemicals in my brain from working out will help me keep feeling that way even if I have a bad weigh in next Saturday. It's possible, since I haven't really been watching what does down the big hole here, but I've done much better today.

One step at a time, that's all I can ask for from myself.

Friday, May 20, 2011


I know BMI isn't exactly accurate and it's a bit controversial, but I'm using the numbers a tiny bit as a gauge to see my progress.

Let me just get one thing out of the way. According to my BMI, when I was 230 lbs, I was morbidly obese. Not once did I EVER feel that way. Not once. Sure, I knew I was fat, but I didn't think, "Man, Astrid, you sure are morbidly obese, you should do something about that". So already, I was a bit skeptical.

My BMI right now is 36.2, which puts me in the 'severely obese' category. Again, I'm SEVERELY OBESE? I sure don't feel it. I don't even feel FAT. I feel a bit heavy, a little chubby, but not FAT.

I'll be regular old obese at 191lbs (34.9 BMI). That's only eight pounds away from where I was at last Saturday. Slightly overweight comes at 164lbs (30 BMI). 136lbs brings the healthy weight. That's awesome. Because I plan on stopping at about 125lbs. Or seeing if I want to lose more (depends on how healthy I feel). I doubt I'd lose more, but I don't think I'd go under 115lbs, period. Maybe 110. But that just SOUNDS too small right now. Honestly, even 136 sounds really tiny to me. But I'll see when I get closer. I might even stop before that.

I just want to be healthy more than anything else.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Weigh in, May 16th- latelatelate

Late post! I DID weigh in on Saturday morning, I simply didn't post about it.

So, I stood on the scale, naked as could be, with my cat pawing at the bathroom door trying to get in and mewling angrily about it. The numbers? 199lbs. Same as last week.

I'll take it.

No real complaints about the number since my measurements keep going down. Which reminds me...

I forgot to post my beginning of the month measurements. It's time for my middle of the month measurements. Oops!

So, this time last month, my measurements looked like this:

Bust: 38" (97cm)
Waist: 35.5" (90cm)
Hips: 45" (114cm)

Measurements as of today:

Bust: 38" (97cm)
Waist: 34" (86cm)
Hips: 43.5" (110cm)

My bust stayed the damn (darnit! get smaller!), but my waist went down an inch and a half! Holy god! So did my HIPS. My hips are almost in the 30's! And almost under 100cm. Wow. Just wow. I can't remember the last time I was this small. I can't remember my waist ever being this tiny.

Also, just as a frame of reference, I'm using my hips as the widest part of me (around the bottom of my tummy). My ACTUAL hips (around the butt and top of the thighs) is about an inch or so smaller than that number. Also, for fun, let's add in arms and thighs. And calves!

Arm: 11" (28cm)
Thigh: 22.5" (57cm)
Calf:  15" (38cm)

I am measuring around the widest of each, so there you go.

For even more fun, my measurements from June 2010:
Bust: 44" (112cm)
Waist: 42" (107cm)
Hips: 51.5" (131cm)
Thigh: 26" (66cm)
Calf: 16" (41cm)
Arm: 11" (28cm)

So, I've lost six inches off my bust, eight off my waist, eight off my hips, three and a half off my thigh, one off my calf, and nothing off my arm (darn you, arm!). In the span of slightly less than a year. Wow.

Of course these are all going to be posted against next month, in June, when I make a "one year since I gained back all that weight and started taking it off" post. Hopefully in February of next year I'll have a "one year since I started posting again and lost a bunch of weight" post.

I've sworn off all soda except for caffeine free diet. It's really hard to find restaurants that carry caffeine free, so there's little temptation in that front. The reason for caffeine free? I'm very caffeine sensitive. I can have about 150-200mgs before the migraine sets in and I start puking without control. It's generally not any fun whatsoever, so I've tried to swear off the stuff forever (as much as possible).

Decaff coffees from the DnD or Starbucks are a special treat, as far as I see it. I'd get them from McD's, but they always seem so confused when I ask for decaff. I think tthe stoned out teenagers at my local McDonald's don't think anyone their age or slightly older drinks decaff. I have to be pitched over like an old woman to want decaff for my ohsosensitive tummy.

Speaking of McD's, I've sworn off going to them for convenience. If I'm craving something from them specifically and it's not crazy, I'll indulge. I'm not going there 'just because' anymore. That just doesn't work for me. Same thing for Taco Bell. I won't go to BK anymore at all. Something in their food makes me terribly ill. I hate their burgers and chicken sandwiches anyhow. I only like their fries. So I guess I'm saving myself some misery. Wendy's is still okay in my book as long as I make smart decisions, and only if I've gotten tired of Subway.

Now, I can't really cook at home. My kitchen sink is broken as broken could be, so I can't really...wash my dishes. Washing them in the bathroom sink or bathtub is out of the question because of the drains. They just don't agree with that sort of cleaning. I don't think they'd agree with cleaning me if I had stickies all over me, though. I'm basically sticking to things I can nuke (steamed veggies and starches, some meats, etc), eat raw or cold (sandwiches, veggies, fruits, etc), or take out.

My drink of choice, however, is just water. Cold, maybe with some lemon or a flavor packet for variety, nothing really fancy about it. Also I make iced tea (with minimal Splenda) on occasion in a plastic cup (nuke the water, add the sweetner and bag of tea, and then stick it in the fridge. Ice cubes are out of the question in my kitchen), but it's generally way too much effort for me right now.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Weigh in, May 7th plus some confessions

Today I came in at 199lbs. 199lbs. I cannot describe how happy, how amazed I was to see this number. And how absolutely relieved. It's a new decade and I plan on going down into another new one, one I haven't been in a long, long time. I don't ever want to be 200lbs+ again and I'm going to work on seeing it doesn't happen.

My first weigh in in April (on the 2nd), I came in at 205lbs. That means I lost SIX POUNDS in the month of April. SIX. POUNDS. I GAINED a pound from March to April, so this is more than just progress. This is really, really making me hopeful I can see my  goal numbers soon. This is making me hopeful I'll be in the 180's by my 21st birthday, maybe even lower! I would love to be 175lbs on my birthday. I haven't been that weight since I was 12, about nine years ago. It would be monumental for me.

Now for the confessions and why I was so relieved to see a loss of a pound, much less any loss at all. Thursday was a very, very bad eating day. Let me tell you what I ate in all of the gorey details:

-A whole brownie (3x3inches) with chocolate chips in it. My manager cut a few too many brownies by 'accident' and she divided them up between me, her, and another cook that was in the room. Actually, to be fair, he swiped his own brownie when she wasn't looking. Not that she cared.
-Half of a cookie. It was a broken cookie we couldn't serve, to my manager and I shared it.
-Half of a taco (tortilla, meat, cheese, sour cream full fat). One of the line cooks tried one of our Cinco de Mayo tacos, hated it, and cut it in half. He offered it to me because I said I liked tacos. I ate it.
-A full taco (meat, tortilla, cheese, beans, sour cream, salsa). I was 'hungry'. Actually, I just really wanted that damn taco.
-Two servings of chicken tenders (about ten pieces). Another line cook screwed up. Badly. He made about four extra servings of chicken tenders that we couldn't serve. Me, the other prep cook, my manager, and some waitresses all got to eat them. I ate a piece every time I got a SIP of my drink. Uuugh.
-Three bowls of cereal once I got home. One of them was Honey Nut Cheerioes, the other two were Apple Jacks. With whole milk (which I don't usually drink, but it was all we had).

Needless to say, Thursday was a bit of a complete and utter disaster. Completely. Yesterday only went marginally better. I didn't eat in such vast quantities and didn't eat such crap, but I only ate ONCE. Uugh. My roommate and I went to a Polish restaurant I LOVE that he had never been to. I had a kielbasa, a golabki, a cup of kapusta, some of his salad (he hates salad), two potato and cheese pierogies, a pizza pierogi, a chourcio pierogi, and two strawberry dessert piergoies with a scoop of icecream. He tried to get me to try his rum raisin pierogi and I refused. Ewwww rum.

I had a fairly large dinner, but I'm angry at myself for eating only once. I haven't been eating any kind of breakfast lately because I don't wake up hungry at all most days and other days, I've been walking up really late so I end up rushing out of the house last minute.

Today I hope to eat more than once. I'm hungry right now, so I'm going to end up scrounging around for food. We don't really have much and can't really cook anything right now. Our kitchen sink is broken, so we can't wash anything if we dirty it. Eeeew.

I think I have some canned soup I can microwave and eat for brunch and lunch (a whole can is way too much for me. They're huge!).

I also have some cleaning and such to do today. I'm going to fit in some Just Dance and maybe a little more today, too. I want to up my exercise minutes.

Here's to hoping today we all have good days! In the general sense and not just the health and weight loss sense. =)

Wednesday, May 4, 2011


I found some old clothing of mine today, mostly from middle school and early high school. I put some of them on.

All the skirts, but the size 14, fit. These weren't junior's clothing, they were all from the misses' sections. I was wearing a size 16 skirt/jean when I was 13. I'm wearing a size 16 skirt/jean now, if these sizes are still relevant, at almost 21 years old. A shirt I remember wearing in the summer a lot when I was 12 is a bit big on me right now. Short, but loose. I found a wonderful top I haven't been able to wear for years. Again, it came out of the women's section and not the junior's section.

My prom dress fits me better now than it did when I was 17, at my heaviest. It was tight, super unflattering (and made of a horrifying material that made it worse), and barely zipped. I got it on, zipped up without a single problem, and it's loose on the top.

Looking through all of this reminded me of BEING 13 or 14, starting high school. I hated the way I looked, not because I actually hated it, but because I was told that I should. My mother constantly called me fat, sloppy, telling me I needed to go on a diet. I remember one day, the summer before high school started, she handed me a slip of paper. The writing was in Portuguese and in that cursive slant only my aunt could have written.  My mother told me this was a diet one of my cousins had tried and it had worked for her. That she had lost 30lbs!  It consisted of a single meal plan for one day that I would do every single day until I lost my desired weight, along with some exercise recommendations.

I remember exactly what the menu looked like. I remember exactly what was in it. How could I forget? I remember feeling absolutely horrified. Here I was, nearly 200lbs at age almost 14, and my mother was showing me a diet. Another reminder that I was fat and I wasn't supposed to be alright with that. I was already dealing with a heavily out of control bi-polar disorder and panic disorder. And now my mother was reminding me I was fat. Another reason to dislike myself. I remember not giving a crap what I weighed as long as I got my emotions under control.

My temper was crazy. I yelled and hit people and broke things all the time at the drop of a hat. I was constantly going through mood swings. Up down up down up. I was starting to have panic attacks CONSTANTLY with no trigger needed. All of a sudden, they would hit for no reason. Therapy had failed me, me being too private and secretive to allow it to works. Prescription drugs had made the situation ten times worse. So I was battling this completely alone. Completely.

I was such a miserable child.

And here was this slip of paper to remind me that I had another reason to be miserable. And here's whaty the menu consisted of:

Breakfast- 2 slices whole wheat toast, 1 cup of green tea
Snack- 1 apple, 1 cup of green tea
Lunch- 2oz sardines, 1 slice of whole wheat toast, 1 cup of green tea
Snack2- 2 apples, 1 cup of green tea
Dinner- 4oz sardines, 1 small salad (iceburg lettuce), 1 tomato (raw or boiled), 2 slices whole weat toast, 1 cup of green tea
Snack 3- 1 cup of green tea, 1 slice of toast

The exercise recommended? Three miles walking a day. That was the only part of this whole regimen I had no issues with, that and the emphasis on drinking green tea and water.

This was a starvation diet. My mother wanted me to go on a starvation diet. WHO, tell me, WHO can support themselves on that kind of diet, day in and day out, (without a preexisting medical condition that requires them to need a diet that restrictive) and do exercise and be HEALTHY? I can't think of anyone. My guesstimate is that this menu falls at somewhere between 700-1000 calories. A day. With three miles of walking daily. With little protein (yes, there's 6oz of fish, but none of the snacks or breakfast had protein.) And what seems like an overdose of carbs in comparison. It was insane!

And that cousin? She unfortunately gained back all of her weight, and then some (almost double). I felt so bad for her. She had tried so hard, doing what her mother insisted she do, and then have it succeed...but once she stopped her diet, went back to potato chips and fried potatoes and friend meats and meats covered in sauces made of oil (yes, we do that) and vinegar... There was no way.

I didn't even try the diet. I didn't even pretend to. I told my mother she was insane and this was going to do more harm than good. She couldn't undersyand. This was more than she ate in a day, after all! Then again...My mother's sickly. Very sickly. She'd do better to eat more. She'd heal. But she doesn't want to. But that misery is for another post, to be honest.

I'm in too much of a good mood to think about something that bleak.

I realized I'm not that miserable little girl anymore who used to lie in her room and cry because nothing made sense. I'm not the girl who couldn't control herself at all in any aspect of her life. The girl who couldn't go to school or leave the house, who could barely leave her room.

I'm 200lbs. About the same weight I was when I was 13 years old. The same size I was back then. But not the same person.

Saturday, April 30, 2011


I had this whole spiel I was going to write about that was supposed to be great and nice and all of that. But halfway through typing it out, I got bored with it and said no one wants to read this drabble.

So, I'll just give some updates:

-I'm not sick anymore. Yay!
-Came in at 200lbs this morning. Which means not only did the loss from last week stick, I lost another pound. Double yay!
-I've been walking a bit more (or trying to push myself to walk more at any rate).

So, I also took my measurements this morning. I'm actually quite obsessive about keeping on top of my measurements because of clothing, so I tend to measure ...too often for my own good. Ahaha.

Old measurements from the 10th of this month:
Bust: 39" (99cm)
Waist: 36" (92cm)
Hips: 45.5" (116cm)

Measurements from this morning:
Bust: 38" (97cm)
Waist: 35.5" (90cm)
Hips: 45" (114cm)

The fact I lost an inch off my bust, and half an inch off my waist and hips in TWENTY DAYS is...just amazing to me. I'm getting so much smaller than my scale numbers are reflecting. I got a pair of size 14 jeans up onto my hips. I couldn't come close to buttoning them or zipping them up. But they got onto my HIPS. My gigantic hips! I have to dig around for some old pairs of 15's and 16's I have and see if they fit/how close they are to fitting.

A shirt I got sometime last summer doesn't fit anymore. Not really, anyhow. It hangs off me in THE MOST unflattering way you could imagine. My workout shirts (Which are very cute and I wear as regular clothing when it's too warm out) are getting a bit big, too!

Sunday, April 24, 2011


No, I did not elaborate after last week's post. And yes, I am posting late (Happy Easter, to everyone who celebrates it!). I am not posting late because I forgot or was sad or anything of the sort. Actually, I'm really sick. Really, really sick. I did little more than piddle around and be sad and sleepy yesterday.

Which is why I hesitate to be too happy about my weight today. 201lbs. I'm pretty sure this is due to the fact I've barely ate since Wednesday, though some days I'm sure I ate enough for two people, so maybe it balanced it out. Clearly I'm feeling better today, at least a bit. Because I'm posting! Hopefully the weight sticks. If not, I;'ll be okay.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Scale said 203 this morning. Posting from my cell. Will elaborate when I get home!

Sunday, April 10, 2011

So I'm a bit late on the updating front. I did weigh in and came out to 204lbs this week. That means I lost one pound from last week's gain. I haven't really done much in the way of exercising so I haven't really updated my fitness. I did, however take some new measurements.

Bust: 39" (99cm)
Waist: 36" (92cm)
Hips: 45.5" (116cm)

I have lost a LOT in size! Holy crud! When did that all even happen? An inch off my bust, two off my waist, THREE AND A HALF off my hips! That is...phenomenal! Wonderful! I feel so great about this! So much more than that number, 204.

My first real 'win' will be to see myself at 199lbs again, as I haven't been under 200lbs in two years. After that, it will be to see 192lbs, specifically. As this was my lowest weight reached last time. After that, I want to see myself at under 175lbs.

175lbs. Why this number? Because I remembered that the last time I weighed this much, and that I knew I weighed this much...was in middle school. I was 12 years old and I was heavier than my 17 year old brother who's 5'10'' and was very, very active at the time. His pants were too small for me. I weighed more than a teenaged boy when I was 12.

The day I found out how much he weighed and how much I weighed (he was in the 150's) in comparison to him... I cried. I went off to my bedroom and cried because I was SO GODDAMN FAT. I was just so fat.

I haven't been in the 170's since. But I didn't go down, I just went up. All the way to 230lbs (or higher...).

That same brother still weighs less than me. He weighs in the 190's now. He's a muscular man, from going to the gym and working out. While he is a bit on the heavier side, he's still very healthy.

And I want to weigh less than him. Very soon. And I will.

He doesn't know any of this. He never has. He doesn't know I've been comparing myself to him all these years, thinking, "How can I weigh more than him? How?" Even when he was 'fat', he still weighed less than me. Every time. I don't want to be my version of fat anymore.

And I just want to be healthier.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Weigh in April 2, 2011

So I came in at 205lbs today, which makes a gain of 2lbs from last week. I'm not going to pretend it had nothing to do with my Saturday outing to work, my Sunday outing to the Indian buffet, Monday's late night trip to McDonald's, or Wednesday's midnight run to McDonald's.

Or yesterday's outing at Pizza Hut.

I didn't binge, it's not about that. It's about eating too much already prepared food. Eating junk. I feel gross, too. I don't feel heavier, but my stomach's been bothering me (too much grease) and I've had a lot more headaches than normal.

On the bright side, I bought a food scale last night. FINALLY. I'm tired of counting out and guesstimating what I'm eating. I can finally see exactly how many ounces and grams. Yay!

Sunday, March 27, 2011


I was finally able to fully finish the 20 minute express workout by Zumba! I was really not feeling it anymore about five minutes before it ended, but I just kept telling myself, "There's only five minutes left! REALLY?" And then I checked my heart rate monitor. Seeing such a high number of calories burned sure did make things a little easier!

As you may have noticed, I added an exercise log to the side of my blog, listing when I exercise, how long, the activity, and how many calories my HRM says I burned. I'm currently aiming for 500 fitness minutes a month, but I hope to increase that by 100 by the end of April, so that in my May, my goal will be 600 minutes. In July, I want it to be 700. September will be 900, and then in November will be my cap at 1000 minutes per month. This is the schedule I'll follow if I can MEET the new minimum. If not, I'll stay with whatever the current is until I can meet it and then start upping it. I'll touch back on this by the end of April!

It's amazing how great I feel now that I exercise. It's wonderful to feel sore and have it not be because my body doesn't know what's going on, but to have it be because I was working out and doing something good for myself.

I also thought I could start taking pictures of what I eat (that aren't meal bars or shakes) to get a better perspective of what I'm putting in my body. Journaling is great, but I'm a really visual person, so I'm hoping the pictures will help. I'll post them here, with a description of what's on my plate, Starting with ...TODAY!

Breakfast was some kind of sausage egg sandwich from Dunkin' Donuts. My brother got it for me and no one else would eat it, so I figured I would. I can't really say no to a bagel. I also had 20 lightly salted almonds and a cup of green + white tea.

This is a snack I had after getting home from lunch and market shopping. No pictures of lunch. I forgot! But it's a pepperjack cheese stick, 25 honey roasted peanuts, and a cup of strawberries (more or less).

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Weigh In

So, I weighed in this morning. It came out to 203lbs. Another pound off of me and never to be seen again! I never thought I'd do this well again. I never thought I'd see the 190's THIS CLOSE to me again. I thought I'd be juggling those ten pounds forever. That my body didn't want me to be any smaller again.

I've got three pounds to lose before I'm at 200lbs. And then from there, it's all 190's. The 180's will be new for me, very new. I haven't weighed 180 since either the beginning of high school or even the end of middle school. The 190's are so close again that I can taaste them. And they taste like yogurt.

Today, I'm going to be going to my place of work. But not for work. I'm going to be meeting a friend there and we're having a late lunch together. I haven't seen this friend since high school, and I've lost quite a bit of weight since then, about 20-30lbs. I'm a  lot smaller than I was when I was a senior in high school.

Last night, something a little bit wonderful happened. I was eating dinner with my parents, which rarely happens. Since they celebrate Lent, and I don't, we usually can't agree what to eat on Fridays, so I don't tend to eat with them. Dad brought homw some amazing fish, though, and I just HAD to sit and eat with them. And it was amazing. But that isn't the wonderful part. The kitchen table is squeezed between a wall and the oven, so whoever sits by the oven generally can;'t sit out too far or no one will be able to get past them. My dad was sitting in that chair and I was sitting next to him. I got up to go move past him, behind the chair he was sitting in, and go to the other end of the kitchen. He started to move, but I told him he didn't have to, joking that I knew I was fat, but I wasn't THAT fat. And he said, "No, you're not anymore. You've been losing weight and you look smaller than you did a little while ago." My dad NEVER notices these things. But he noticed with me. I've apparently gotten so noticeably smaller to my own dad, Mr. Oblivious, that he noticed!

It really made me feel like I'm doing things the right way for my body and that I'm finally getting my act together when it comes to losing weight and inches and becoming a healthier person. Speaking of losing inches. Here are my measurement as of this morning:

Bust: 40"
Waist: 38"
Hips: 49"

I'm going to measure myself at the end of each month from now on, especially since starting Zumba. I want to see how much size I can lose,along with weight.

I'll post again soon! It's time for breakfast, then some Zumba and a shower before going to eet up with my friend. Wish me luck in picking something to eat that won't ruin me entirely.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

So, today I did some Zumba workout when I got home from work. I only did it for 20 minutes, but I burned about 234 calories... And I'm still in the 'learning the moves' portion!

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Tried Zumba

Holy crap! just finished trying out Zumba. THAT KICKED MY BUTT! I only did the basic steps for tonight, since it's late and I have work tomorrow. If I'm not feeling too poopy when I get home from work, I'll definitely try out some of the real routines on the DVD.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

On Time!

So, this week I'm on time with my update! And I'm happy to report that I've lost half a pound. I came in at 204lbs this morning! I never thought I'd see those numbers again. I'd been fluctuating between 206-215lbs for almost a year now and didn't think I'd ever actually really lose any weight. It's just so rewarding to know that I've finally buckled down and started working that much harder at this and that I'm actually getting somewhere again. I hope I can get to the 190's by the time Mik's birthday rolls around.

My post last week was a bit haphazard, but I was just SO excited, that I couldn't think of anything other than SQUEE to say. This week, I've gotten into the groove of making a normal, coherent post again.

So, I notice my weight loss not so much in the numbers, but more in the way I walk. All of a sudden, I just FELT smaller. I knew I had to have lost some weight. That was when I found out I'd dropped to 204.5. Now I'm starting to notice it in my clothing. I had been a size 8 in panties, sometimes squeezing into a 7, for so long that I didn't think I'd ever be able to think of my being able to fit into anything else. I took a chance and bought some size 7 panties for the first time in a long time. Not only do they fit comfortably, they're a tad loose! I won't be moving down to a size 6 anytime soon, just because the difference in sizes is pretty big, but I hope that I can start looking at those within the next few months.

Another awesome thing when it comes to my clothing size is that I used to be in a 40-42 band bra. This made it VERY difficult for me to find bras on account of being a B cup. The few times I could find a 40 band in a B, it was either such poor quality and would break down in a month or so, or it was too damned expensive for me to even buy in the first place. I took a chance last night and bought two 38 band bras. I figured if they didn't fit, I could just buy an extender for them temporarily. Not necessary! They fit fantastically! Maybe now I'll be able to buy new bras as they start to fall apart instead of well after they're fallen apart and aren't anywhere near comfortable anymore.

Also, I've moved down into an 18 pant from 20/22. 18's feel great. They feel amazing. The 20's are too large now, too uncomfortable and not anywhere near what fits me anymore. In some brands, the 18's are way too big! I hope I can move down into a 16 by the time my 21st birthday rolls around in a few months.

In my lolita wardrobe, I have some updates, too! A few months ago, I made a purchase from Bodyline. Of the six things I bought, only two fit. I bought an OP, a skirt, a blouse, a pair of shoes, a pair of bloomers, and a pair of socks. The shoes and blouse were all that fit. THe skirt is still too small. I knew it was going to be for a long time when I bought it, but it was a fast selling item and I wanted it NOW. The OP...Well, it almost fits! I can get it more than halfway zipped up now, which is an improvement over not at all. The socks fit, uncomfortably. The bloomers fit, also uncomfortably. Hopefully, the OP and bloomers will fit very soon! And the socks, that would be awesome.

I'm going to be playing DDR again today, more than likely, after I pick up Mik from work. I played a round of it back on Tuesday. I haven't been playing THAT much DDR, but it's a lot more than I had been just a few weeks ago. I'm sure it's helping a lot.

Now, one of the things I'm sure is helping is that I eat breakfast and lunch now on the days that I work. The only way I can manage this, though, is to buy meal replacement bars and shakes. The shakes for morning, since I can't handle solid food before 10AM or I'll throw up. The bars for lunch, since I can eat them in less than a minute and then get back to work. I don't get breaks, so this is all I can manage. But it keeps me from stuffing my face with everything I see when I get home, and even sometimes before I get home. Sometimes I would just be too hungry and start eating things at work. Not a good idea! Using these things has nothing to do with my want to lose weight. Even at goal weight, as long as it's a day I'm working and I'm working day shift, I'll continue using these bars and shakes. I don't use them on my days off (like today! I had sandwiches! Mmmn. Sandwiches).

I'm still using my journal and keeping track of what I'm eating. I'm going to start keeping track of any exercise I do and all the walking I do. I walked four miles this week! To work every time, but still! Very exciting.

Tomorrow, I'm going to Ayur Shri, a local Indian restaurant, for their buffet. Mmn! I'll probably and go pick up my reward for losing weight after lunch, too. A Victoria's Secret or Bath and Body Works purchase (with a limit of $40. I'm not made of money). I can't wait! Great food, great scents, and a nice time hanging out with my roommate, even if she is bored out of her skull.

Another update to come, at the latest, next Saturday!

Monday, March 14, 2011


Two days late, but here I am. I played three rounds of DDR on Saturday. Three! THREE! When was the last time I did that? A long, long time ago.

Sunday was uneventful, I worked. It was a job. Ahaha. I stayed in bed all day after work because I hurt so badly.

I did weigh in today, a bit late, but yes. I came in at...wait for iiiit...


YES. I lost a pound and a half! A POUND AND A HALF! I'm under the 205 mark! I'm so happy!

I hope to play more DDR tomorrow, on my day off.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Twice in a row!

Well, here we go. I posted last week and I'm posting again this week! I came in at 206lbs, which is half a pound down from last week. Not much of a change, but it's down and not up.

I'm trying really hard not to just comfort eat. I hope I don't give into that this week. One of my snakes died last night and we're not entirely sure why, seeing as the other one is completely fine. Nonetheless, it's really depressing. We've had them for two years now.

I totaled four and a quarter miles walked today to and from work. It would have been five had I actually walked the whole way to work the other day, but my sister saw me walking and picked me up.

Slowly getting some room in the living room, so hopefully we can get a Gazelle and get it all nice and set up. Then I won't really have to worry so much about exercise.

So, counting calories doesn't really work for me, it seems. It just ends up depressing me because when I meet my calories goals, I don't meet my nutritional goals in other ways. When I meet those, I either go way under or way over my calories and then I just get discouraged. I'm continuing to journal, not noting any of these things, just putting down what I'm eating, how much, and how often I eat. This is working pretty well.  I noticed I drink a bit too much soda, so I cut that down with some tea and flavored waters. I noticed I wasn't getting enough fruits or vegetables, so I started sneaking them in. Also, I've been eating WAY too much meat! So I started cutting down on that. When I just look at calories or nutrients by themselves, I don't care what it is I'm eating, as long as I meet those numbers. And that just doesn't work for me. It's why I yo-yo'd so much, I think, these past few months. And since I am an emotional eater and I have slight issues with binging and overeating, that wasn't at all good for me.

I've been sprucing up my room lately, so hopefully I'll have room to put my desk in soon. I might just break down and buy a new desk, though, since that one's so monstrously huge and I can't quite find the hardware for it., It's all in a labeled bag in the storage room, but...the storage room's a bit unorganized. Plus, as stated, that desk is just too big for my room. What I'm likely going to end up doing is buying a very small computer workstation and then buying a crafting table. That way I won't have room to collect cups of any sort on my desk and my crafting supplies will have a place and a home. I also need a smaller bed. This is all likely going to be bought before I fork over the cash for a new bike. I was going to get a bike instead of a car for now since work isn't that far away and neither is anything else I'd like to get to during the day when dad's at work. However, it's all farther than I'd like to walk. Walking just takes so long! It's not that it's tiring, it just takes forever for me to get to my destination. 

Anyhoo, I will make sure I come back next Saturday, at the least, and give an update on my weight.

Here are my updated measurements:
Bust 41inch
Waist 40.5inch
Hip 49inch

The numbers went up a bit since my last measurements posted, I'm sure, but they're lower than the last time I took them myself, which was about half a month to a month ago. What's weird is that my waist and bust are starting to become the same size! How did that happen? Anyway, at least my hips are going down in size, which is the hardest part of me to fit.

Saturday, February 26, 2011


Things have been tiring lately. Really tiring. I haven't posted in so long due to the fact that, well, I got ate by my job.

My hours doubled recently and I've been working my butt off, constantly. Add to that a few health problems flaring up, and I've just been too tired to post much. Or at all.

My eating habits have been sporadic at best, thanks to getting up too early, getting home too late, and having a bunch of other things to do once I get home. I also get no break at work, so I don't have any chance to eat during my work day.

I haven't been to the gym, even though I went and bought new gym pants. It's not so much I'm too tired, but I have issues with joint pain. Very severe joint paint issues. I end up crippled in bed after a 10+ hour work day. I'm not in much of a mood to even get up and go eat much less get up and go to the gym.

Despite all this, I did weigh myself this morning and I'm not nearly as heavy as I would have expected. I came in at 206.5lbs today. Sure, that's not much progress from my last post or even the posts before that, but it is some progress in quotes. Hopefully now that I'm feeling better (some new shoes plus some very expensive insoles have been cutting down the pain in my hips and knees), I can get my butt to the gym more often. If not, then I think I'm going to be investing in one of those home elliptical machines for various reasons. Maybe a Gazelle. They're inexpensive and they work the same way. Plus, then I can park myself in front of the TV and watch cartoons while I exercise. That sounds pretty good. And if I get too tired/feel too much pain, I can just fall back into the couch.

This actually sounds like a pretty good idea. I think I may be doing this as soon as I can find room in the living room and get myself $100.

I'm hoping to start posting more frequently now that I've told my boss I refuse to take any extra days on top of my normal schedule (which is already close to 40 hours as is) anymore. They were just wrecking my body. Overtime isn't worth it when I can't even get out of bed after I get home and all I do is curl up and cry.

On a good note, all this work means I should qualify for insurance through my employer soon. That means I can go and get this pain thing checked out and figured out. Hopefully it's nothing too serious and it's something I can get taken care of pretty easily.

I have been keeping a food journal, on paper, despite not logging into my Spark People very often or logging onto this blog. While I haven't really been keeping track of calories, I have been keeping track of exactly what I eat and making sure I start eating more vegetarian meals (I eat too much meat) and fewer sauces. Fruit has also become my main snack over Yan Yan (these cookie biscuit sticks you dip into flavored cream).