Sunday, April 10, 2011

So I'm a bit late on the updating front. I did weigh in and came out to 204lbs this week. That means I lost one pound from last week's gain. I haven't really done much in the way of exercising so I haven't really updated my fitness. I did, however take some new measurements.

Bust: 39" (99cm)
Waist: 36" (92cm)
Hips: 45.5" (116cm)

I have lost a LOT in size! Holy crud! When did that all even happen? An inch off my bust, two off my waist, THREE AND A HALF off my hips! That is...phenomenal! Wonderful! I feel so great about this! So much more than that number, 204.

My first real 'win' will be to see myself at 199lbs again, as I haven't been under 200lbs in two years. After that, it will be to see 192lbs, specifically. As this was my lowest weight reached last time. After that, I want to see myself at under 175lbs.

175lbs. Why this number? Because I remembered that the last time I weighed this much, and that I knew I weighed this much...was in middle school. I was 12 years old and I was heavier than my 17 year old brother who's 5'10'' and was very, very active at the time. His pants were too small for me. I weighed more than a teenaged boy when I was 12.

The day I found out how much he weighed and how much I weighed (he was in the 150's) in comparison to him... I cried. I went off to my bedroom and cried because I was SO GODDAMN FAT. I was just so fat.

I haven't been in the 170's since. But I didn't go down, I just went up. All the way to 230lbs (or higher...).

That same brother still weighs less than me. He weighs in the 190's now. He's a muscular man, from going to the gym and working out. While he is a bit on the heavier side, he's still very healthy.

And I want to weigh less than him. Very soon. And I will.

He doesn't know any of this. He never has. He doesn't know I've been comparing myself to him all these years, thinking, "How can I weigh more than him? How?" Even when he was 'fat', he still weighed less than me. Every time. I don't want to be my version of fat anymore.

And I just want to be healthier.

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