Monday, February 18, 2013

Weigh-In - February 18, 2013

Previous weigh in: 172.0lbs
Today's weigh in: 170.8lbs
Which means: loss of 1.2lbs

Welp, I'm back down past what bit I gained. I'm not sure if I lost that this week or if I gained some last week and lost all of it (since I didn't weigh in, due to storm), or what happened. But, I'm pleased to be at a good spot again. I think I've gotten myself back under control, too, which is awesome. I'm making tilapia right now, with some potato skins. I measured everything out, so I won't be nibbling on a whole lot extra tonight. If I get hungry, I'll eat some fruit I pre-prepped up.

I'm trying to give myself no excuses to be eating crap. At T's, I've been cooking a lot for him. Yesterday was meatloaf (as he wanted ground beef) with rice and vegetables. It turned out pretty good, despite the fact I've never made meatloaf before. I'm pretty pleased with it, overall. And he really liked it, which was most important. I need him eating more real food. He's concerned about his health, but he doesn't know how to cook. And by doesn't know how to cook, I mean he's an abysmal failure at cooking. He's got omelettes down, though, so there's that at least.

I'm really hoping to be somewhere in the 160's by the end of this month. That would be my ideal right now. I'm not so sure if I can do it, though, since it seems to have been pretty hard for me this month to lose. I've been up and down or just maintaining a bit so far. At least I didn't go over my starting weight. That's all I'm really thankful for.

What I really would like would be to be at goal by August. I want to go visit my sister and her wonderful husband and kids. The kids have never met me and my sister and her husband have never seen me at a healthy weight. No, scratch that, my sister last saw me at a healthy weight right before she left to join the army. I was seven. When she returned on leave (a few years later, as she never visited us during her leaves before), I was 11 and was pretty heavy. I wasn't huge or anything, but I was definitely a chubby girl. That's how my brother in law met me.

When I was 15, I spent the summer with them. I was in a size women's 18/20. What they don't know is that in the following three years, I ended up in a size 22/24, almost pushing into a 26. By the time they saw me again, I was 19 and was back down into an 18/20. They haven't seen me since. I'm in a 14/16 right now. The smallest I've been in years. The smallest I've been since I was 14.

I remember weighing 175 or so when I was 14 and being so ashamed that I weight the same as my 5'10" 19 year old brother who worked out and was a mechanic. When I started dating T, I felt pretty shameful that he was 170lbs, with a good bit of muscle, 6'2" and I was 200lbs and 5'2". No muscle really. And that was after losing a good bit of weight already!

Now we weigh about the same. It's so weird to say that. I'm so much smaller now than when we first met. It comes in handy a lot, being smaller. And I'll be even smaller by the end of this year, I hope. Smaller, healthier, able to do so much more. Go on long walks with him. Trek through the woods and the beach for periods of time like he always wanted to but I just couldn't. I could manage a half hour or so of light walking, but nothing major. He never mentioned he was disappointed, but I know he was. I know how much he likes doing those things.

And what he's looking forward to the most is going swimming with me this summer. I didn't go the first summer we were together, or the second. I didn't own a bathing suit. I still don't. But I will this summer. I promised him we'd go swimming. He's excited to finally see me in a swim suit and to finally go to the beach and swim with me. We both love water. My family is from an island, he's from the Cape. We love the beach and we love swimming. But we've never gone swimming together.

This year, I will fix that. Even if I'm not at goal, I will go swimming with him. I think I can more confidently wear a swim suit NOW than I could last year or the year before. If I continue to lose, then I'll definitely feel comfortable. I just have to find a modest suit (I don't like wearing revealing clothing).

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Nemo didn't kill me!~

Just checking in with you guys to let you know that winter storm Nemo didn't get me! Knocked out my power for a day and a half (and my heat) and my internet for two days, but I'm very lucky it wasn't worse. I'm also very lucky my mom's okay, despite not having heat for almost two days (this is a big deal, as my mother is very ill, as I've touched on briefly in the past).

No weigh in this week as things have honestly just been too crazy and hectic for anything. Between the storm, the power outage, and all the running and stuff I've had to do, I just don't have much time for anything else right now. Things should settle down once this mess gets cleared, however, so weigh in next week!

Saturday, February 2, 2013

Weigh-in - February 2, 2013

Previous weigh in: 171.9lbs
Today's weigh in: 172.0lbs
Which means: gain of 0.9lb

So, the gain was expected. The way I've been eating, I expected to gain a LOT MORE, though. I'm trying to reign myself in, but it's just so hard. Chips, fast food, cookies, donuts, shelf stable milk (do you know how much fat and calories are in a little carton?! And I can go through them like no one's business!), just about anything I can get my hands on. I've been drinking more soda, because of all the fast food, and I haven't really seen a real vegetable more than one or twice in the past week or two.

I feel awful; both on a guilty "what am I doing to myself" level and on a "oh my god this is all making me feel like crap" physical level.  I've been having a LOT of really nonsensical and bizarre dreams and I'm not sure if that's due to stress or due to my eating habits. I had to TALK MYSELF out of buying an ENTIRE PIZZA for myself last night. I can't even EAT an entire pizza by myself! But I had to convince myself not to do it. What the hell is going on with me? I had SIX little cartons of shelf stable milk yesterday. SIX. I feel sick and bloated and just awful today after all of the crap I've been eating these past two weeks. I just haven't been able to STOP.

I'm scared I won't be able to stop. I'm scared I'm going to gain those 30lbs from last year back. I'm scared I'm going to gain even MORE back. At first I thought it was just me enjoying a few things I never have (fast food, chips, etc) and that it would be no big deal. But then I never stopped. That's scary.

T suggested I start eating fruit instead, but I'm scared I'll just do NOTHING but eat fruit. And then I'll gain a bunch of weight anyway from eating so much fruit. Also, not much of it is in season right now, so it's VERY expensive. I just can't afford that. I mean, I could just only buy what I can afford and then eat nothing after that, but I swear I actually feel HUNGRY. And I don't like ignoring myself when I'm hungry. Plus, then I might go and find something worse to eat. So I just don't know.

I just really don't know.

Monday, January 28, 2013

So mad!

So I'm feeling much better today than I was yesterday but the day is young and there is plenty of time for it to go downhill and end with me curled up in a bed too sick to move. Basically, what I'm trying to say, is that I'm keeping the day clear of any kind of big plan or agenda. Just in case.

Yesterday I mentioned being upset over losing the chance to buy a dress. Now, I realize that this is one of those first world problems and there are people out there with much bigger ones. I also realize I personally have much bigger problems than losing out on the chance to buy a kind of overpriced dress. It was just something I'd really wanted. I'd been saving since October for this dress; all my Christmas money, all my extra cash (of which I don't have much, believe it or not), has gone to saving for this dress. Now it's gone and I can't have it.

So what's a responsible adult to do? Probably put it away for that trip I've been planning later on that year. I actually did save up enough for that plane ticket in the course of saving up for this dress. However, that wouldn't be very satisfying. So instead, I bought some clothes with it; to replace the dress I'd wanted so badly. What does this all have to do with a weight loss blog? Well, very little in the long run. But I want to vent out other things here, too, sometimes. But also...

When I started this blog. Before I started this blog. I couldn't have dreamed of fitting into ANY of the items I bought the other day. Maybe one dress, but the other three things? No way! My bust was 45inches, my waist 46, my hips in the mid 50's. There's no way I would have been able to get these things on, or even think about getting them on. That dress I saved up for? It wouldn't have EVER come close to fitting; it's measurements only mesh with my most recent weight loss. Through this blog, through what I've done outside this blog, I can fit most anything I'd really have my sights on.

And that's a big deal to me. I don't have to sit here any longer just sighing and saying, "Some day, some day". Or "I can always get a friend to make me something similar." Sure, that would work with solid pieces, but nothing printed. There was no way for me to get some of my favorite items custom made for myself unless I bought two of the item and then spliced them together. Which wasn't an option because of the cost involved. I really don't have a whole lot of disposable income; I just save and scrimp and go without in other ways. It took me nearly four months to scrape up $400, and that's including the fact that about $200 of that came from what family members and friends gave me for Christmas.

So I'm bummed I lost the dress. However, I've been trying not to go too crazy about it. I'll buy my things and then start saving for my trip. It's in August, so I should be able to save for at least the plane ticket by the end of it. Especially since I've been getting a few more hours at work lately, and that's expected to continue. I also am going to try and have an emergency savings fund set up. Just in case something happens and I can't go to work, that sort of thing.

I'm also hoping to continue with my weight loss. At goal, I should be able to fit in pretty much everything but the smallest items. Generally, I'm not so interested in those, anyway. It's not even that I've trained myself not to think about something so unattainable; I just tend to not even like the cuts of the pieces or anything. So, it' not a big loss to me or anything to not have those available.

Sunday, January 27, 2013

January 27,2013- Weigh - In

Previous weigh in: 171.9lbs
Today's weigh in: 171.1lbs
Which means: loss of : 0.8lbs
BMI: 31.3

A much smaller loss this week, but still nearly a whole pound gone. I'm not entirely sure what it is I'm doing "right" here. I ate kinda crappy again this week. It's been a really, really stressful and emotional week. I have to go get health insurance somehow so I can go get some biopsies done to make sure that the abnormal amount of cells in me aren't cancerous. I've also been sick as hell. Between that stress and all the other stresses, my eating has been all over the place.

Today, I'm just too nauseous to even think about food. I'm going to eat, but right now, all I can really handle is my ginger tea. I'm hoping it'll calm my stomach down enough for me to actually handle some food later, after I get home from work. My throat hurts, my head is bothering me a little, I'm achey... I'm all over a mess. Thankfully, today should not only be a short day, but it'll be an easy one, too.

I'm also really bummed. I saved up for months for a dress and then literally as soon as I got all the money for it, it sold out. Out of depression, I ended up buying a dress and then bidding on three more pieces. I may end up buying some shoes, but I'm just not sure where from yet.  These things don't really replace the one dress I wanted, but I guess it kind of makes up for it, a little bit.  

Honestly, right now, I don't have a whole lot to say. I woke up not too long ago and I'm feeling pretty crappy until my medicine kicks in. I hope I can put in an update sometime mid-week, when I feel less like I'm dying.

Monday, January 21, 2013

Weigh-In : January 21st, 2013

Previous weigh in: 174.5lbs
Today's weigh in: 171.9lbs
Which means: loss of  2.6lbs
BMI: 31.4

I didn't post yesterday on account of not even being home. This also had to wait until I got home from work today. I weighed in this morning and set up the post, but didn't fully flesh it out or post until afterwards.

But wow. That loss. How did that even happen? I ate like crap this week. I doubt Saturday's excursion to pastryland was shown in this weigh in. I guess I'll have to see next week if this stuck of if I'll be that much closer to 50lbs lost since the beginning of this blog.

Also, I do know that BMI is not an accurate indicator of anything. But we all do know that a lot of doctors still like to wave that number around. So I'd like to know at which point my doctor will look at my weight and not say "WELP, still fat!". And that's pretty much the only reason I'm keeping track of BMI here. I don't actually care much for the number. I actually don't even care much for my weight, either. I mean, it's totally exciting when I see that I've lost weight. And it's really cool to be able to say, "Yeah, I've lost like 100lbs since high school" when people ask me. Or to say "I lost about 30lbs last year" when my brother comments that I've been looking better later.

What I care about most is my health and my measurements. That's the coolest part of losing weight; I've gained health and also the ability to wear more of the clothes I love. Also, my body is getting a big more of a shape than previously. I'm still pretty solidly in the pear shape category, but I'm loving the further definition between my waist and my bust. I'm starting to look pretty good naked, if I do say so myself. Then again, I never really minded myself naked, so.

I've been too lazy to upload my photos. I'll get around to that sometime soon. C has been begging me for the chocolate porn that is contained within that SD card.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

WHAT is WRONG with me?

I have no idea what my problem is, but I just can't stop eating crap. I want to blame it on my period, because that would be convenient, but I know it isn't. Because that never really changes my eating much. I may eat more or less, but I won't eat completely different things than usual. I went to Wendy's on Monday and got WAY too much food. Granted, I hadn't eaten all day, which explains the sheer amount, and I probably didn't go over in calories (by much, at any rate), but my fats were likely through the roof. And today? I had a nice, delicious salmon dinner planned out. I heard my dad was going to be making eggs, sausage, and fries and those plans flew out the window. I WANTED what he was making. I want the soda I've been drinking, even though I barely drink soda anymore. I haven't had tea in over a week, except for the chai Prince T made me the other day at his place.

But seriously, what is wrong with me? Is it because I said I was going to go easy this week in preparation for Saturday? Is it because I just haven't eaten anything worse than  a hot dog in months? Is it because I've been TOO careful with my eating?

I didn't think I was being too careful. It's not like I've made myself give up anything I like. I really love salmon and scallops and shrimp and tilapia. I really do love rice and broccoli and snap peas and carrots and all the other vegetables I've been gorging on. I really do love oranges and apples and bananas and all the other fruits I've been eating. And don't get me started on tea, oh my god. I love tea. I love tea in just about any form. I love tea so much I went through a pound of honey in two weeks because I was drinking SO MUCH TEA.

So what's wrong with me?

Honestly, I'm not going to beat myself up over this. I just need to try better. I just need to try and not give in to every junk food craving that crosses my wee little fancy. It isn't good for me, it doesn't make me feel good, and it really just is more frustrating than satisfying in the end.

I'm having pizza on Friday with a friend and her parents and possibly another friend. I'll probably not eat much there, just because I'm not really big on pizza. And also it's a completely and utter nutritional wasteland. I'll make sure to eat well for breakfast and have a good lunch before I go out with them. That'll definitely help to curb any issues with overeating while there. Especially since her parents are very fond of trying to get me to eat all the time. I love them to pieces, but geez.

Last night I had homemade spaghetti and meatballs (everything but the pasta from scratch) and it was the first time I'd really had beef in ages. I'm not big on that dish, personally, but Prince T requested it, so I made it. I'll do anything, cook anything, to get that man to eat a real meal and real food. You know, stuff that doesn't come out of a box or isn't a hotdog. Let's see if he'll eat my vegetarian lasagna; his roommate's been begging me for it ever since he tried my sauce and learned I make vegetarian, low-fat lasagna (he's been trying to lose weight as well, and doing an AWESOME job; we're all really proud of W). So maybe next month I'll have a nice recipe to share, assuming I can get some pretty photos.

Tomorrow, I hope I can manage to eat my salmon dinner. I'm going to try and avoid eating at Prince T's place, because I have no money to really buy anything to make there and he doesn't have any either, at the moment. And most of what he has is all prepackaged garbage. Honestly, he doesn't even LIKE that stuff. He just can't cook worth a damn (trust me, I've tried teaching him) and he'd rather eat crap than not eat. Hopefully I can teach him some really simple, basic recipes that won't cost him an arm and a leg and will keep him a bit healthier. He's interested in better food, he loves homemade food (he's loved everything I've made him), but he just can't cook. His mother rarely cooked while he was growing up, and she worked a lot, so he was left to his own devices. This is all he really knows, food wise. Last night was the first time he'd had real spaghetti and meatballs. You know, not Chef Boyardee.

Anyway, I just hope to at least have stayed even by the end of this week. I doubt I've lost anything, but I really, really don't want to have gained. I'm doing so well and I'm on such a roll, I don't know if I could handle seeing the 180's again.

Monday, January 14, 2013

January 14,2013 Weigh -In

 Previous weigh in: 175.6lbs
Today's weigh in: 174.5lbs
Which means: loss of 1.1lbs
BMI: 31.9 (just barely in the obese category)

I completely forgot to weigh myself AT ALL yesterday, much less post about it. GEEZ. I feel like such a loser haha. I'll be better about it, I promise!

I lost a little over a pound this week, which is pretty cool! Then again, I've been trying pretty hard to cut back on junk, since I'll be going to a lolita meet up this Saturday. It's at a dessert buffet and four hours long. I think you can see what that means for my next weigh-in or two. I don't really mind it, since it's a conscious decision I made and I told myself not to worry about it. I don't do things like eat cakes and pastries all day ...ever. So I can give myself one day to do so. Especially because I'll probably be too busy socializing at least some of the time to actually be stuffing my face constantly.

But the biggest news about this meet up is that I'm going to get to wear my Jewelry Jelly jumperskirt from Angelic Pretty this week. Now, I fell in love with this series back when it came out, in 2010. I got the switching JSK last year, in May. I knew it wouldn't fit me and it still doesn't, to be honest. It's a lot closer than it was. I tried it on last night and can actually zip it up almost half way. Which is an improvement over I couldn't even get this dress on comfortably with the zipper open. I got the regular version of the jumperskirt back in October or November of last year with the assumption that it would fit. It has a lot of elastic shirring in the back, and I was already a bit smaller then than I had been in May.

Dress got here and it didn't fit. I cried, a lot, to be honest. I'd wanted this dress so badly and I wanted to wear it so badly. But I just put it away in my closet and kind of forgot about it. I figured I could always sell both dresses in a year or two if they still didn't fit and no big loss, really, except a piece of my heart. I didn't really even think about the dress. A few things were going on in my life at the time, so I was too depressed and preoccupied over bigger things to be worried about some dress that didn't fit me.

And then last month, I got invited to a lolita meet up that would be scheduled this month. I accepted, asked for the day off, and asked my dear boyfriend to bring there (and he's going to attend, too). I figured I could deal with what I was going to wear when the day came and I have plenty I could wear and put together for a nice outfit.

But on a whim last week, because a part of me really wanted to debut this dress at my first meet up, I tried it on. And not only did it fit, it's comfortable. The elastic is stretched pretty far, but it's not at the maximum. And the seams aren't stressed. And I cried, a lot, over this dress again. But now it was for a completely different reason. I skipped around the house wearing this dress, dancing and jumping and just overall so happy that I could wear this.

Now, I will state again, the biggest thing I have gotten from losing weight is my HEALTH. It's improved so much these past few months that I barely even know what to do with myself. It's a wonderful feeling to be healthy. I want to say 'again', but I don't really think I ever have been healthy. Not for a very, very long time. So far back I can't even remember it. So it's good to just finally feel like that at all. I'm overjoyed that I can do things and that my life isn't as limited by chronic pain as it used to be. But at the same time, isn't it nice to be able to fit into pretty clothing? I see it as a bonus, a special treat on top of the real prize. And I won't say I don't like to look at all of the dresses I may be able to fit into once I reach goal. It's fun to think about putting those outfits together and socializing with the friends I hope to make at these meet ups.

And hopefully on Saturday or for my next weigh-in, I'll have plenty of photos to post here.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

One Hundred Push Ups

Now, I'm pretty sure at some point in the life of this blog, I made some kind of comment about trying the one hundred push ups challenge. And I know for a fact that the many times I've tried, I usually ended up forgetting about it after a week or two. Not so much that it was too hard, but I literally...forgot about it.

So, I'm trying again. And I'm going to try and use this blog to keep me accountable. For the record, I'm doing wall pushups. I'm not physically capable of doing full pushups, at least not at this point in time. I hope if I can finish this challenge enough times that I'll eventually be able to do full pushups.

My plan is to finish this challenge, then do the sit ups challenge. Once I finish that, I'd like to do the push ups one again, but with a greater angle so that the pushup is more difficult. After that, I'd like to do that squat challenge. And then go back to the push ups challenge. Hopefully by then, my health will be such that I can do it in full pushups. If not, then I guess I'll just have to do it twice in a row! Or however many times it takes after that.

Now, I'm not promising I'll actually do all of this. I just did the initial test for the pushups and managed 20 in a row, which put me in rank three. I'm going to start the challenge tomorrow, as opposed to waiting a week or two, and then report back here. I'm hoping to at least add that sort of thing to the list of exercises I do sometime.

I also really want to start doing planks and other ab workouts sometime soon. I know core workouts are great for overall health and I know my core is pretty weak. I'd like to strengthen it. I'd also really like to get into yoga, at least very minimal yoga. Here's to seeing how well I do this year.

What are your favorite non-equipment/body weight exercises? How long did it take you for you to perfect them, so to speak? And how often do you do these exercises?

Saturday, January 12, 2013

Let's just review why I'm doing this, shall we?

 Let's start off with this first photo. It's from 2008 and this was me at my heaviest, I'm pretty sure. Then again, this photo is pretty heavily retouched thanks to the people at the Yearbook photo place wanting to be nice to everyone. I look a bit thinner here than I do in my next photo. But I promise, I wasn't. At all.
 And then this photo. Let's talk about this. This was taken in 2011 at some point, probably towards the end of the year. I felt about as big as I looked, really. My smile is awkward and I'm not too happy that someone just snuck a camera up on me. I hated taking photos. I was really overweight and uncomfortable and my health was VERY poor.
And this photo was taken this week. I think I've visibly lost weight. A lot of people have told me that I have and looking at this photo, I think it's true. Sometimes I'm still not sure and I feel like I did in the first two photos. (Excuse the wig, BTW, I'd just gotten it in the mail for a lolita coordinate.) My health has improved a LOT since the other photo was taken. And I'm much happier, half due to better self esteem and half due to not being in pain literally all of the time. I can work more now, and have been working more these past two months, and I rarely have bad flare ups of pain. I do still get occasional little aches and pains, but not as frequently and for much shorter durations than they used to be. I can do so much more than I used to; walking isn't a chore, stairs don't bother me (except for my weak knees), and running around the restaurant doesn't intimidate me. Losing the weight has made me a better worker and has given me the confidence to do more in the restaurant I work in. I want to do more. To accomplish more.
I'm not the same girl I used to be and I'm not the same woman I used to be. Look at that photo; I'm downright sassy.

And let's keep it that way, shall we?

It's been almost a year...

It's been almost a year since my last post. I know what that means to a lot of people. It means that you've fallen off the wagon. That you've stopped caring. That you won't ever be coming back. I have to say, I can't blame any of you for thinking that, if it's that's what you thought. How often have we seen that happen? I know I've seen it more times than I can count.

While I didn't exactly fall off the wagon, I really didn't make much progress for most of the year. I got into the 190's at some point and hovered there for months. And then I finally started going down, towards the end of the year. I ended the year in the 180's, something I hadn't seen in a very long time.

And now I'm sitting at 175.6lbs. This is the lowest weight I've been ...since middle school. I have officially lost much more weight than I have left to lose. I'm 5.6lbs away from a major milestone, 100lbs lost. And I'm .6lbs away from a mini-goal. 175lbs was a weight I wanted to be at for a very long time, after I realized how much I'd really gained. It was the signal that I had really gotten past all of my problems that I'd had in high school.

My new mini-goal after that will be 169lbs, because that will put me under my boyfriend's weight (he's 170lbs, which is my 100lbs lost mark). My measurements have changed drastically, I'm sure. I can't find the last ones I posted here, at least not from around the time I left. But I do have measurements from not that far from then.

I stopped tracking, really, from February all the way to July. Mid-July is when I picked up again and I've kept pretty good logs of everything since.

Here are the stats from that weigh in and measurements:
July 16th, 2012
Starting weight - 199lbs
Starting bust - 45
Starting waist- 44
Starting hips - 52.5
Starting upper right arm - 12
Starting upper right thigh - 23.5
Starting upper calf - 17
Starting neck - 13.5

But what am I looking at currently? Well, I changed my weigh ins to be on Sundays, for one, every week. And my monthly measurements check is on the 1st of the month, starting on the new year.

January 1st, 2013
Current weight- 178.5lbs
Current bust- 37
Current waist - 31
Current hips - 40
Current upper right arm - 11
Current upper right thigh - 20
Current upper calf - 15
Current neck - 13

Since July, into the 1st of this year, I've lost 20.5lbs, 8 inches off my bust, 13inches off my waist, 12.5inches off my hips, one inch off my arm, 3.5 inches off my thigh, 2 inches off my calf, and half an inch off my neck. My size went from a solid 16/18 to a 14/16 on the bottom and from an XL on top to M/L.

I'll be weighing in weekly here again, hopefully sharing some things again, and doing a big monthly post on the first of each month with measurements.