Saturday, February 2, 2013

Weigh-in - February 2, 2013

Previous weigh in: 171.9lbs
Today's weigh in: 172.0lbs
Which means: gain of 0.9lb

So, the gain was expected. The way I've been eating, I expected to gain a LOT MORE, though. I'm trying to reign myself in, but it's just so hard. Chips, fast food, cookies, donuts, shelf stable milk (do you know how much fat and calories are in a little carton?! And I can go through them like no one's business!), just about anything I can get my hands on. I've been drinking more soda, because of all the fast food, and I haven't really seen a real vegetable more than one or twice in the past week or two.

I feel awful; both on a guilty "what am I doing to myself" level and on a "oh my god this is all making me feel like crap" physical level.  I've been having a LOT of really nonsensical and bizarre dreams and I'm not sure if that's due to stress or due to my eating habits. I had to TALK MYSELF out of buying an ENTIRE PIZZA for myself last night. I can't even EAT an entire pizza by myself! But I had to convince myself not to do it. What the hell is going on with me? I had SIX little cartons of shelf stable milk yesterday. SIX. I feel sick and bloated and just awful today after all of the crap I've been eating these past two weeks. I just haven't been able to STOP.

I'm scared I won't be able to stop. I'm scared I'm going to gain those 30lbs from last year back. I'm scared I'm going to gain even MORE back. At first I thought it was just me enjoying a few things I never have (fast food, chips, etc) and that it would be no big deal. But then I never stopped. That's scary.

T suggested I start eating fruit instead, but I'm scared I'll just do NOTHING but eat fruit. And then I'll gain a bunch of weight anyway from eating so much fruit. Also, not much of it is in season right now, so it's VERY expensive. I just can't afford that. I mean, I could just only buy what I can afford and then eat nothing after that, but I swear I actually feel HUNGRY. And I don't like ignoring myself when I'm hungry. Plus, then I might go and find something worse to eat. So I just don't know.

I just really don't know.

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