Weigh-In - February 18, 2013

Previous weigh in: 172.0lbs
Today's weigh in: 170.8lbs
Which means: loss of 1.2lbs

Welp, I'm back down past what bit I gained. I'm not sure if I lost that this week or if I gained some last week and lost all of it (since I didn't weigh in, due to storm), or what happened. But, I'm pleased to be at a good spot again. I think I've gotten myself back under control, too, which is awesome. I'm making tilapia right now, with some potato skins. I measured everything out, so I won't be nibbling on a whole lot extra tonight. If I get hungry, I'll eat some fruit I pre-prepped up.

I'm trying to give myself no excuses to be eating crap. At T's, I've been cooking a lot for him. Yesterday was meatloaf (as he wanted ground beef) with rice and vegetables. It turned out pretty good, despite the fact I've never made meatloaf before. I'm pretty pleased with it, overall. And he really liked it, which was most important. I need him eating more real food. He's concerned about his health, but he doesn't know how to cook. And by doesn't know how to cook, I mean he's an abysmal failure at cooking. He's got omelettes down, though, so there's that at least.

I'm really hoping to be somewhere in the 160's by the end of this month. That would be my ideal right now. I'm not so sure if I can do it, though, since it seems to have been pretty hard for me this month to lose. I've been up and down or just maintaining a bit so far. At least I didn't go over my starting weight. That's all I'm really thankful for.

What I really would like would be to be at goal by August. I want to go visit my sister and her wonderful husband and kids. The kids have never met me and my sister and her husband have never seen me at a healthy weight. No, scratch that, my sister last saw me at a healthy weight right before she left to join the army. I was seven. When she returned on leave (a few years later, as she never visited us during her leaves before), I was 11 and was pretty heavy. I wasn't huge or anything, but I was definitely a chubby girl. That's how my brother in law met me.

When I was 15, I spent the summer with them. I was in a size women's 18/20. What they don't know is that in the following three years, I ended up in a size 22/24, almost pushing into a 26. By the time they saw me again, I was 19 and was back down into an 18/20. They haven't seen me since. I'm in a 14/16 right now. The smallest I've been in years. The smallest I've been since I was 14.

I remember weighing 175 or so when I was 14 and being so ashamed that I weight the same as my 5'10" 19 year old brother who worked out and was a mechanic. When I started dating T, I felt pretty shameful that he was 170lbs, with a good bit of muscle, 6'2" and I was 200lbs and 5'2". No muscle really. And that was after losing a good bit of weight already!

Now we weigh about the same. It's so weird to say that. I'm so much smaller now than when we first met. It comes in handy a lot, being smaller. And I'll be even smaller by the end of this year, I hope. Smaller, healthier, able to do so much more. Go on long walks with him. Trek through the woods and the beach for periods of time like he always wanted to but I just couldn't. I could manage a half hour or so of light walking, but nothing major. He never mentioned he was disappointed, but I know he was. I know how much he likes doing those things.

And what he's looking forward to the most is going swimming with me this summer. I didn't go the first summer we were together, or the second. I didn't own a bathing suit. I still don't. But I will this summer. I promised him we'd go swimming. He's excited to finally see me in a swim suit and to finally go to the beach and swim with me. We both love water. My family is from an island, he's from the Cape. We love the beach and we love swimming. But we've never gone swimming together.

This year, I will fix that. Even if I'm not at goal, I will go swimming with him. I think I can more confidently wear a swim suit NOW than I could last year or the year before. If I continue to lose, then I'll definitely feel comfortable. I just have to find a modest suit (I don't like wearing revealing clothing).

Nemo didn't kill me!~

Just checking in with you guys to let you know that winter storm Nemo didn't get me! Knocked out my power for a day and a half (and my heat) and my internet for two days, but I'm very lucky it wasn't worse. I'm also very lucky my mom's okay, despite not having heat for almost two days (this is a big deal, as my mother is very ill, as I've touched on briefly in the past).

No weigh in this week as things have honestly just been too crazy and hectic for anything. Between the storm, the power outage, and all the running and stuff I've had to do, I just don't have much time for anything else right now. Things should settle down once this mess gets cleared, however, so weigh in next week!

Weigh-in - February 2, 2013

Previous weigh in: 171.9lbs
Today's weigh in: 172.0lbs
Which means: gain of 0.9lb

So, the gain was expected. The way I've been eating, I expected to gain a LOT MORE, though. I'm trying to reign myself in, but it's just so hard. Chips, fast food, cookies, donuts, shelf stable milk (do you know how much fat and calories are in a little carton?! And I can go through them like no one's business!), just about anything I can get my hands on. I've been drinking more soda, because of all the fast food, and I haven't really seen a real vegetable more than one or twice in the past week or two.

I feel awful; both on a guilty "what am I doing to myself" level and on a "oh my god this is all making me feel like crap" physical level.  I've been having a LOT of really nonsensical and bizarre dreams and I'm not sure if that's due to stress or due to my eating habits. I had to TALK MYSELF out of buying an ENTIRE PIZZA for myself last night. I can't even EAT an entire pizza by myself! But I had to convince myself not to do it. What the hell is going on with me? I had SIX little cartons of shelf stable milk yesterday. SIX. I feel sick and bloated and just awful today after all of the crap I've been eating these past two weeks. I just haven't been able to STOP.

I'm scared I won't be able to stop. I'm scared I'm going to gain those 30lbs from last year back. I'm scared I'm going to gain even MORE back. At first I thought it was just me enjoying a few things I never have (fast food, chips, etc) and that it would be no big deal. But then I never stopped. That's scary.

T suggested I start eating fruit instead, but I'm scared I'll just do NOTHING but eat fruit. And then I'll gain a bunch of weight anyway from eating so much fruit. Also, not much of it is in season right now, so it's VERY expensive. I just can't afford that. I mean, I could just only buy what I can afford and then eat nothing after that, but I swear I actually feel HUNGRY. And I don't like ignoring myself when I'm hungry. Plus, then I might go and find something worse to eat. So I just don't know.

I just really don't know.