Updaates

Changed the template and made a few changes to the blog. I think it's a little easier to read this way instead of everything being sooo squished up. Also tried to make my lists a little bit clearer. And changed the way the archive looks instead of it going by day (WHY would an archive go by DAY?) it now goes by month.

All there is to it

I didn't post my weight last week or this because I simply didn't weigh myself.  I've felt really down lately, and my body hasn't been itself. I've been nauseous and gross and not feeling great. So I opted not to weigh. Nothing short of a 'breaking the 195lbs barrier' would have made me feel better, and that's just unrealistic. I'm not plunging myself into depression and self loathing over a stupid number and that's all there is to it.

I did, however, start amping up my exercise again. I'm 100minutes away from hitting my 500minute goal. I think I can do that in the next two days without harming myself, that's just 50 minutes tomorrow (two workouts including warm up and cool down) and Tuesday, each. I don't think that sounds like a big deal. One when I get home from work tomorrow and another sometime before bed. And then one in the morning on Tuesday and another in the afternoon.

Speaking of working out, I am positively dripping in sweat today after my workout. I might do another one soon today and just cut out one of the ones tomorrow because I still feel darned good. I'll give it another half hour or so and see how I feel. I don't really want to push myself too hard and hurt myself and I don't want to be tired out for work tomorrow. That just sounds like a bad idea. 

I'm feeling good, but I won't weigh myself until next Saturday. I want to keep feeling good as long as possible. Hopefully all these feel good chemicals in my brain from working out will help me keep feeling that way even if I have a bad weigh in next Saturday. It's possible, since I haven't really been watching what does down the big hole here, but I've done much better today.

One step at a time, that's all I can ask for from myself.

BMI

I know BMI isn't exactly accurate and it's a bit controversial, but I'm using the numbers a tiny bit as a gauge to see my progress.

Let me just get one thing out of the way. According to my BMI, when I was 230 lbs, I was morbidly obese. Not once did I EVER feel that way. Not once. Sure, I knew I was fat, but I didn't think, "Man, Astrid, you sure are morbidly obese, you should do something about that". So already, I was a bit skeptical.

My BMI right now is 36.2, which puts me in the 'severely obese' category. Again, I'm SEVERELY OBESE? I sure don't feel it. I don't even feel FAT. I feel a bit heavy, a little chubby, but not FAT.

I'll be regular old obese at 191lbs (34.9 BMI). That's only eight pounds away from where I was at last Saturday. Slightly overweight comes at 164lbs (30 BMI). 136lbs brings the healthy weight. That's awesome. Because I plan on stopping at about 125lbs. Or seeing if I want to lose more (depends on how healthy I feel). I doubt I'd lose more, but I don't think I'd go under 115lbs, period. Maybe 110. But that just SOUNDS too small right now. Honestly, even 136 sounds really tiny to me. But I'll see when I get closer. I might even stop before that.

I just want to be healthy more than anything else.

Weigh in, May 16th- latelatelate

Late post! I DID weigh in on Saturday morning, I simply didn't post about it.

So, I stood on the scale, naked as could be, with my cat pawing at the bathroom door trying to get in and mewling angrily about it. The numbers? 199lbs. Same as last week.

I'll take it.

No real complaints about the number since my measurements keep going down. Which reminds me...

I forgot to post my beginning of the month measurements. It's time for my middle of the month measurements. Oops!

So, this time last month, my measurements looked like this:

Bust: 38" (97cm)
Waist: 35.5" (90cm)
Hips: 45" (114cm)

Measurements as of today:

Bust: 38" (97cm)
Waist: 34" (86cm)
Hips: 43.5" (110cm)

My bust stayed the damn (darnit! get smaller!), but my waist went down an inch and a half! Holy god! So did my HIPS. My hips are almost in the 30's! And almost under 100cm. Wow. Just wow. I can't remember the last time I was this small. I can't remember my waist ever being this tiny.

Also, just as a frame of reference, I'm using my hips as the widest part of me (around the bottom of my tummy). My ACTUAL hips (around the butt and top of the thighs) is about an inch or so smaller than that number. Also, for fun, let's add in arms and thighs. And calves!

Arm: 11" (28cm)
Thigh: 22.5" (57cm)
Calf:  15" (38cm)

I am measuring around the widest of each, so there you go.

For even more fun, my measurements from June 2010:
Bust: 44" (112cm)
Waist: 42" (107cm)
Hips: 51.5" (131cm)
Thigh: 26" (66cm)
Calf: 16" (41cm)
Arm: 11" (28cm)

So, I've lost six inches off my bust, eight off my waist, eight off my hips, three and a half off my thigh, one off my calf, and nothing off my arm (darn you, arm!). In the span of slightly less than a year. Wow.

Of course these are all going to be posted against next month, in June, when I make a "one year since I gained back all that weight and started taking it off" post. Hopefully in February of next year I'll have a "one year since I started posting again and lost a bunch of weight" post.

I've sworn off all soda except for caffeine free diet. It's really hard to find restaurants that carry caffeine free, so there's little temptation in that front. The reason for caffeine free? I'm very caffeine sensitive. I can have about 150-200mgs before the migraine sets in and I start puking without control. It's generally not any fun whatsoever, so I've tried to swear off the stuff forever (as much as possible).

Decaff coffees from the DnD or Starbucks are a special treat, as far as I see it. I'd get them from McD's, but they always seem so confused when I ask for decaff. I think tthe stoned out teenagers at my local McDonald's don't think anyone their age or slightly older drinks decaff. I have to be pitched over like an old woman to want decaff for my ohsosensitive tummy.

Speaking of McD's, I've sworn off going to them for convenience. If I'm craving something from them specifically and it's not crazy, I'll indulge. I'm not going there 'just because' anymore. That just doesn't work for me. Same thing for Taco Bell. I won't go to BK anymore at all. Something in their food makes me terribly ill. I hate their burgers and chicken sandwiches anyhow. I only like their fries. So I guess I'm saving myself some misery. Wendy's is still okay in my book as long as I make smart decisions, and only if I've gotten tired of Subway.

Now, I can't really cook at home. My kitchen sink is broken as broken could be, so I can't really...wash my dishes. Washing them in the bathroom sink or bathtub is out of the question because of the drains. They just don't agree with that sort of cleaning. I don't think they'd agree with cleaning me if I had stickies all over me, though. I'm basically sticking to things I can nuke (steamed veggies and starches, some meats, etc), eat raw or cold (sandwiches, veggies, fruits, etc), or take out.

My drink of choice, however, is just water. Cold, maybe with some lemon or a flavor packet for variety, nothing really fancy about it. Also I make iced tea (with minimal Splenda) on occasion in a plastic cup (nuke the water, add the sweetner and bag of tea, and then stick it in the fridge. Ice cubes are out of the question in my kitchen), but it's generally way too much effort for me right now.

Weigh in, May 7th plus some confessions

Today I came in at 199lbs. 199lbs. I cannot describe how happy, how amazed I was to see this number. And how absolutely relieved. It's a new decade and I plan on going down into another new one, one I haven't been in a long, long time. I don't ever want to be 200lbs+ again and I'm going to work on seeing it doesn't happen.

My first weigh in in April (on the 2nd), I came in at 205lbs. That means I lost SIX POUNDS in the month of April. SIX. POUNDS. I GAINED a pound from March to April, so this is more than just progress. This is really, really making me hopeful I can see my  goal numbers soon. This is making me hopeful I'll be in the 180's by my 21st birthday, maybe even lower! I would love to be 175lbs on my birthday. I haven't been that weight since I was 12, about nine years ago. It would be monumental for me.

Now for the confessions and why I was so relieved to see a loss of a pound, much less any loss at all. Thursday was a very, very bad eating day. Let me tell you what I ate in all of the gorey details:

-A whole brownie (3x3inches) with chocolate chips in it. My manager cut a few too many brownies by 'accident' and she divided them up between me, her, and another cook that was in the room. Actually, to be fair, he swiped his own brownie when she wasn't looking. Not that she cared.
-Half of a cookie. It was a broken cookie we couldn't serve, to my manager and I shared it.
-Half of a taco (tortilla, meat, cheese, sour cream full fat). One of the line cooks tried one of our Cinco de Mayo tacos, hated it, and cut it in half. He offered it to me because I said I liked tacos. I ate it.
-A full taco (meat, tortilla, cheese, beans, sour cream, salsa). I was 'hungry'. Actually, I just really wanted that damn taco.
-Two servings of chicken tenders (about ten pieces). Another line cook screwed up. Badly. He made about four extra servings of chicken tenders that we couldn't serve. Me, the other prep cook, my manager, and some waitresses all got to eat them. I ate a piece every time I got a SIP of my drink. Uuugh.
-Three bowls of cereal once I got home. One of them was Honey Nut Cheerioes, the other two were Apple Jacks. With whole milk (which I don't usually drink, but it was all we had).

Needless to say, Thursday was a bit of a complete and utter disaster. Completely. Yesterday only went marginally better. I didn't eat in such vast quantities and didn't eat such crap, but I only ate ONCE. Uugh. My roommate and I went to a Polish restaurant I LOVE that he had never been to. I had a kielbasa, a golabki, a cup of kapusta, some of his salad (he hates salad), two potato and cheese pierogies, a pizza pierogi, a chourcio pierogi, and two strawberry dessert piergoies with a scoop of icecream. He tried to get me to try his rum raisin pierogi and I refused. Ewwww rum.

I had a fairly large dinner, but I'm angry at myself for eating only once. I haven't been eating any kind of breakfast lately because I don't wake up hungry at all most days and other days, I've been walking up really late so I end up rushing out of the house last minute.

Today I hope to eat more than once. I'm hungry right now, so I'm going to end up scrounging around for food. We don't really have much and can't really cook anything right now. Our kitchen sink is broken, so we can't wash anything if we dirty it. Eeeew.

I think I have some canned soup I can microwave and eat for brunch and lunch (a whole can is way too much for me. They're huge!).

I also have some cleaning and such to do today. I'm going to fit in some Just Dance and maybe a little more today, too. I want to up my exercise minutes.

Here's to hoping today we all have good days! In the general sense and not just the health and weight loss sense. =)

Remembering

I found some old clothing of mine today, mostly from middle school and early high school. I put some of them on.

All the skirts, but the size 14, fit. These weren't junior's clothing, they were all from the misses' sections. I was wearing a size 16 skirt/jean when I was 13. I'm wearing a size 16 skirt/jean now, if these sizes are still relevant, at almost 21 years old. A shirt I remember wearing in the summer a lot when I was 12 is a bit big on me right now. Short, but loose. I found a wonderful top I haven't been able to wear for years. Again, it came out of the women's section and not the junior's section.

My prom dress fits me better now than it did when I was 17, at my heaviest. It was tight, super unflattering (and made of a horrifying material that made it worse), and barely zipped. I got it on, zipped up without a single problem, and it's loose on the top.

Looking through all of this reminded me of BEING 13 or 14, starting high school. I hated the way I looked, not because I actually hated it, but because I was told that I should. My mother constantly called me fat, sloppy, telling me I needed to go on a diet. I remember one day, the summer before high school started, she handed me a slip of paper. The writing was in Portuguese and in that cursive slant only my aunt could have written.  My mother told me this was a diet one of my cousins had tried and it had worked for her. That she had lost 30lbs!  It consisted of a single meal plan for one day that I would do every single day until I lost my desired weight, along with some exercise recommendations.

I remember exactly what the menu looked like. I remember exactly what was in it. How could I forget? I remember feeling absolutely horrified. Here I was, nearly 200lbs at age almost 14, and my mother was showing me a diet. Another reminder that I was fat and I wasn't supposed to be alright with that. I was already dealing with a heavily out of control bi-polar disorder and panic disorder. And now my mother was reminding me I was fat. Another reason to dislike myself. I remember not giving a crap what I weighed as long as I got my emotions under control.

My temper was crazy. I yelled and hit people and broke things all the time at the drop of a hat. I was constantly going through mood swings. Up down up down up. I was starting to have panic attacks CONSTANTLY with no trigger needed. All of a sudden, they would hit for no reason. Therapy had failed me, me being too private and secretive to allow it to works. Prescription drugs had made the situation ten times worse. So I was battling this completely alone. Completely.

I was such a miserable child.

And here was this slip of paper to remind me that I had another reason to be miserable. And here's whaty the menu consisted of:

Breakfast- 2 slices whole wheat toast, 1 cup of green tea
Snack- 1 apple, 1 cup of green tea
Lunch- 2oz sardines, 1 slice of whole wheat toast, 1 cup of green tea
Snack2- 2 apples, 1 cup of green tea
Dinner- 4oz sardines, 1 small salad (iceburg lettuce), 1 tomato (raw or boiled), 2 slices whole weat toast, 1 cup of green tea
Snack 3- 1 cup of green tea, 1 slice of toast

The exercise recommended? Three miles walking a day. That was the only part of this whole regimen I had no issues with, that and the emphasis on drinking green tea and water.

This was a starvation diet. My mother wanted me to go on a starvation diet. WHO, tell me, WHO can support themselves on that kind of diet, day in and day out, (without a preexisting medical condition that requires them to need a diet that restrictive) and do exercise and be HEALTHY? I can't think of anyone. My guesstimate is that this menu falls at somewhere between 700-1000 calories. A day. With three miles of walking daily. With little protein (yes, there's 6oz of fish, but none of the snacks or breakfast had protein.) And what seems like an overdose of carbs in comparison. It was insane!

And that cousin? She unfortunately gained back all of her weight, and then some (almost double). I felt so bad for her. She had tried so hard, doing what her mother insisted she do, and then have it succeed...but once she stopped her diet, went back to potato chips and fried potatoes and friend meats and meats covered in sauces made of oil (yes, we do that) and vinegar... There was no way.

I didn't even try the diet. I didn't even pretend to. I told my mother she was insane and this was going to do more harm than good. She couldn't undersyand. This was more than she ate in a day, after all! Then again...My mother's sickly. Very sickly. She'd do better to eat more. She'd heal. But she doesn't want to. But that misery is for another post, to be honest.

I'm in too much of a good mood to think about something that bleak.

I realized I'm not that miserable little girl anymore who used to lie in her room and cry because nothing made sense. I'm not the girl who couldn't control herself at all in any aspect of her life. The girl who couldn't go to school or leave the house, who could barely leave her room.

I'm 200lbs. About the same weight I was when I was 13 years old. The same size I was back then. But not the same person.