Weigh in, January 2

Previous weigh in: 204.2
Today's weigh in: 203.8
Which means: loss of .4lb

This has definitely been slow going. It's no one's fault but my own, so I'm not going to whine about it, nor does it really upset me. I know I can do better, because I have before, but at least it's not a gain. I mean to do better this year.

2011 has come and passed. It brought a lot of tears, a lot of joy, and a lot of hard work. While I can't say I can complain too much about 2011, it could have been better. I intend to make 2012 better.

I've been overworked lately. I clocked out yesterday with 42 hours (hello, OT). I can't really ask to have my hours reduced right now, because I need the money for one and for another, we're kind of short cooks. There's not much Big E (yes, we really do call my KM 'Big E') can really do here. Once things quiet down, and once I get a good lump of money saved (see below), I'll ask him to reduce my hours to about 25-30. (I'm currently working 35-40, which is way too much for me physically and mentally. Thanks, health problems.)

I've never done new year's resolutions before (yes, really). I never promised myself I would lose weight, or do much of another. The new year didn't ever bring a sense of newness for me or a sense of a new chance at things. I always saw it as just another day on the calender. I still kind of do, but I do see the merit in rejoicing that a year has passed and new one has been brought in. There was a huge sense of relief for me that 2011 was finally over once midnight hit. I think that's what really inspired me to think hard about doing something this year.

Most of my resolutions have nothing to do with my weight, really. I didn't make too many, either, because that would frankly just be too overwhelming.

Here they are:
-Save $10k
-Pay at least half of credit card off (better to pay off in full)
-Establish healthy habits
-Lose a minimum of 20lbs in 2012

The saving money is for a very simple reason. I have a lot of mental problems (bipolar and anxiety disorder are the biggest issues I have) and a lot of health problems (chronic migraines, chronic pain, joint problems) that pretty much leave me without function some days. Because I also happen to have a paranoia disorder, I'm terrified that my GM is going to get too frustrated to deal with me and fire me for not being as healthy as the other workers. This is just a paranoia mostly because in the year and a half that I've worked at this place, I've not called out once. I've been sent home a few times (vomiting, migraine, panic attack), but I've never called out. Especially not if I was just "too sad" that day. I get up, get dressed, and go to work whether I feel like I'm going to die inside and out or not. I try my hardest, and while somedays my productivity may not be the best, I get my work done with little complaining. That's the logic of it. The paranoia of it is that "oh god no one gets sent home this much my job is easily done I could be replaced no problem oh god oh god oh god". I know none of that is true. We just fired a prep cook after a week and half. We might fire another one after the same amount of time. I am not easily replaced. I do my job, I do it well, and I try to smile through the pain I'm always in. I'm a trooper, a little soldier, just trying to work through it. D had to force me to sit down once because I was getting ice pick headaches so badly, I was clutching my head with both hands and just exclaiming "AGH" every few minutes. It was making me dizzy and really disoriented. But what did I do? Keep working. Until he steered me over to the break table and made me sit. G ended up making me take a full half hour break (after pumping me full of Excedrin) and then sent me home after I attempted to work for another hour.

Now. The 10k thing. That's a lot of money. Especially in a year. Why $10,000? That'll pay my bills for almost two years. I'd be set for almost two years to find another job. Yes, two years is a VERY long time to be looking for a job, but the economy is terrible, especially in my area. I don't want to chance it that I'll find a job in six months, or less than a year, and then run out of money. My bills won't go away because I'm unemployed. I mean, I'm sure I could work things out with the companies, but I don't want to have to. I want to have things taken care of.

My credit card. Granted, I've got a high-ish balance on it. (Almost $2k) I don't think that's a lot of money, frankly, mostly because my parents have about $15k of credit card debt. That, however, is what is encouraging me to pay off my card in full before I decide to start using it again. I mainly use it for clothing (loliiitaaa) and electronics (bought my PSP, paid it off, still paying my computer off). I'm going to buy a new tablet once I pay it off in full, and not a second before. I'd like to get the balance down to $0 this year, but if I can at least get it under $1,000, I'd be a happy little camper.

It takes about a month to establish a habit in full. There are 12 months in a year. This means I can establish 12 habits this year without overloading myself with stress. I get easily stressed out and intimidated, which is why I think I have to keep redoing this whole weight loss thing. I've already thought of the twelve habits and which months they belong to. I have a little planner I'm going to be using to help me keep track. Each month will have the goal written down at the bottom for my habits. Each day I manage to accomplish the goal, the day on the calender will get a check mark. Each day I don't, it'll get an X. If I can do a week of full checks, I'll treat myself with something small (I'm thinking a candle or wax tart, I love those things). If I can manage a full month of checks, I'll get myself something kind of big (a new outfit, a new book, etc).

They are as follows:

January - Eat at least three times a day. : This is difficult for me because I don't really ever feel hungry. But I'm determined to do this. I did this yesterday, so my first check of the year!
February- Eat 3 servings of vegetables or fruits every day. : I barely eat these anymore. It's upsetting. I know the daily amount is actually five, and my ideal would be MORE than that. But I need to start small here.
March - Eat 5 servings of vegetables or fruits every day. : Here we go!
April - Eat red meat no more than once a week.: This one will work a bit differently. On the days I don't eat red meat, I'll get a check. I'll put an X for the days I do. If I have more than one X a week, then I don't get my treat. If I have one X or no Xs a week, I get my treat. Simple.
May- Exercise at least three times a week. : Again, a bit different. I will 'x' out days where I don't exercise and check days I do. If I have more than four X's, I get no treat.
June- Exercise at least four times a week. : Same as before.
July- Exercise at least five times a week.: Same as before. This will be my max for times I 'have' to do some sort of exercise.
August- Drink soda no more than three times a week. Every day I drink soda, I'll 'x'. If I manage to get through a day with no soda at all, I'll check. More than three x's, then no treat.
September- Eat fast food no more than twice a week.: This will save me money and agony. This is going to work much like the others.
October- Take my vitamins every day.: Yes, I realize this should probably be closer to the top of the list, but as far as health priorities go, this is pretty low for me. I still want to do this, though, so I still think it deserves it's own month.
November- Don't eat prepackaged meals more than twice a week.: I eat a lot of TV dinners right now because they're cheap, easy, and they're not too abysmal. Too abysmal. However, they're abysmal enough. I want to limit the amount I eat to the days where I really am just that exhausted/in pain.
December- Drink more tea, less juice.: I'm going to be replacing that soda intake mostly with juice. I hope to replace the juice mostly with tea. I'm thinking maybe one juice per day, the rest water and tea.

So, those are the habits. Which brings me to wanting to lose at least 20lbs this year. If I follow those, I'm pretty sure I should be able to lose 20lbs, or more, by December. I would REALLY like to lose all that before July, honestly, so I could be the lightest I've ever been in my adult life on my 22nd birthday. But I don't want to freak myself out.

I've written in my planner a loose goal of wanting to lose 5lbs a month. (which does equal out to more than 20lbs in a year, yes)

Have a happy, awesome 2012. I hope your hopes, dreams, and wishes all come true!